Monday, July 31, 2023
He Who Began
When God creates--a soul, a work, or a brings a process to life--it is His like nothing else could be. He loves it, cares for it, protects it, redeems it, carries it through. It is like a child to Him. Dear to His heart, and there is a sense that it is dear to His heart in a way nothing else is--like a child to a parent. Yet, also like a jealous lover. I know that God has begun this kind of a work in me. But it has been a very painful thing to stay in the work He has done in my life. Ive lost part of myself in the process and Im not even sure who I am sometimes. The truth is, my way of coping with this, and not losing God, is that for a while I had to separate the two. And God gave me some leeway. A time to heal.
Poems and Prayers
I've been thinking a bit about compiling the prayers and poems that I've written over the years together. It's interesting for me to think about what I was feeling or seeing when I wrote them and recognize how my journey has ebbed and evolved and my perspective has been enlightened since those times. I don't know how other authors feel about their writings, but mine are sacred to me. Stephen James wrote once that writers are not born, they are made. That was certainly true in my case. Most all of my writings came from what I was experiencing at the moment, or what I observed in the life of another person at the time. But even when we write about someone else, we can only write well when we draw from the wells of our own soul's revelations, questions, and experiences.
But the nature of pen and paper is different than speaking. Especially when it comes to poems and prayers or pieces of literature that capture a story or a feeling or a question. They are never written in a vaccum. When we speak about experiences we've gone through, we can talk about them through the rearview mirror, we have the video camera still playing forward. A painting is the artist's interpretation of a scene in a given season, a camera captures an image of a moment, and a poem can be a culmination of an artist's experiences emotions and questions about a specific circumstance.
But the question that tends to arise is this...are your poems and prayers still a reflection of your heart?
Are they true in the same way that they used to be?
Or is there a greater truth in them that lives beyond what birthed them?
Is there a greater truth in them that lives beyond even the author?
Those are important things to ask when you look at a body of writings. I have most of Amy Carmichael's writings and they span over a half century of her life. I am able to look at her poems, her prose, her journals, her life, and the testimony of others and understand from a much larger perspective what meaning they have. But my guess is that there is much she never shared.
But the nature of pen and paper is different than speaking. Especially when it comes to poems and prayers or pieces of literature that capture a story or a feeling or a question. They are never written in a vaccum. When we speak about experiences we've gone through, we can talk about them through the rearview mirror, we have the video camera still playing forward. A painting is the artist's interpretation of a scene in a given season, a camera captures an image of a moment, and a poem can be a culmination of an artist's experiences emotions and questions about a specific circumstance.
But the question that tends to arise is this...are your poems and prayers still a reflection of your heart?
Are they true in the same way that they used to be?
Or is there a greater truth in them that lives beyond what birthed them?
Is there a greater truth in them that lives beyond even the author?
Those are important things to ask when you look at a body of writings. I have most of Amy Carmichael's writings and they span over a half century of her life. I am able to look at her poems, her prose, her journals, her life, and the testimony of others and understand from a much larger perspective what meaning they have. But my guess is that there is much she never shared.
The Great Humbling...
I spent some time with a woman named Mary last week. The first time I met Rev.Mary was last year, through a mutual friend. She was leading a very special memorial service. I was there to be an encouragement to a friend. I was told Mary had the gift of prophecy, and I was curious, and also a bit wary. Not that I don’t believe in the gift of prophecy. I believe that today the gift of prophecy does exist in order to bring encouragement, comfort, and strength to others, and often for the purposes of giving confirmation to individuals or communities of what the Lord has already been telling them. Prophets are are first and foremost listeners. They listen and hear from God, and then speak when He leads them to. But I was wary because I have learned two things over the past couple years. First, not everyone who prophecies does so by the Spirit of God—and thus, at best their prophecies can be confused; at worst they can be false. Second, even those who prophecy by the Spirit of God are often not doing so with a pure heart. So what they speak may be coming from their own soul. Third, those who may have this gift are absolutely bound to use it in love. For if it is not used in love it is completely inadequate to give any help. It is, as Paul says in I Cor. 13, “a sounding gong.” Whenever we represent God with our words, we must speak with the voice of our Shepherd. If we don’t, there is evidence of impurity in our own hearts that contaminates our ability to hear what God is saying and thus what we are sharing.
There are a number of things that I evaluate when I determine whether or not to receive a word of prophecy or a prophetic prayer. Again, in John 10, we read that the sheep know the Shepherd’s voice. I, as a sheep, am responsible to my Heavenly Shepherd. So I always ask myself, does what this person say resonate with the Spirit of God in me? If there is a conflict, then I must seek and wait before the Lord until He gives me clarity as to whether the unrest comes from an inability on my part to receive what the Lord is saying, or if the unrest is because the “word” is not from God. It is only when there is a receptiveness in my spirit as it submits to His Spirit that I receive that word.
The second lesson comes from James 3 and 4. It is very simple and yet so often ignored in the church—perhaps because we trust our leaders so much, or perhaps because we are so easily swayed by a good argument instead of evaluating things by God’s methods.
James 3:13-18 says this, “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, thee you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peaceloving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial, and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.”
There is so much help as to discerning whether wisdom comes from heaven or not packed in these verses. Here are the things that I think most speak to the topic at hand. First, true wisdom shows itself through humility. Not pride, not arrogance, or condescension, and certainly not contempt. Second, true wisdom comes from the pure in heart—those who are emptied of themselves and their own desires so that they have made room in their souls for God’s desires to come forth in purity. No selfish ambition, pride, partiality, or insincerity taints their words. Their words sow peace because there is nothing contrary to God’s Word or will in their message. And thus what they speak brings forth a harvest. It brings LIFE.
So as I observed Mary interact with those in the memorial service, I watched for those things. I was very moved by the fruit of the Spirit I saw in her. After the memorial service, Mary approached me. She did not know me other than my first name. She didn’t even know the person I came with. But she told me that she had a word for me from the Lord if I would like to receive it. I sensed that the Lord had been preparing me for this and that He wanted me to hear her. Mary recorded the prayer she prayed over me so that I could take it with me. She felt a little sheepish doing so, but I was so glad that she did. Her prayer was over five minutes long, and if you have ever had this type of experience, you understand that the prayer itself is so powerful that your ability to recall the words of it are minimal at best. The Spirit’s work through her prayer was very powerful, almost overwhelming. And if a prayer is truly is a word of prophecy about your life the words are priceless treasures. So I am very glad to have a record of her words so that I can go back to them.
At that time, Mary’s prayer was used by God to do an enormous work of healing in my spirit, and God spoke of some special things through her about my life. It was a very precious time. But though I had many questions I sensed that the Lord did not want me to initiate any more contact with her. I saw her once more a few months later with a group of people, and sensed that at some point we would speak again, but there was a stay on my spirit…until two weeks ago.
It was interesting when I called her. She had been waiting for me. I tried to warn her that my journey was a bit unusual, but she reassured me that when the Holy Spirit introduces you to someone it is different. She shared with me some of the things that the Lord had revealed to her about my calling and asked me if I sensed the same things from the Lord and I told her yes. So we met.
It was a very interesting time. We spoke for a number of hours, and then Mary prayed over me for over an hour. I’ve never had an experience quite like it. During Mary’s prayer she started explaining a picture the Lord was giving her about my journey. It was of a period of great humbling. Like a camel stooping down very low, to be able to get though an opening. “Petra,” she said. Then it came together for her. “The camel going through the eye of the needle,” she said. It’s an actual place called Petra. She said, “The last four years have been a time of terrible suffering for you. A great humbling period. It’s been like Auschwitz for you. Many people died there, but you survived. You kept getting beaten down time after time, and when you would receive the wounds the Lord would heal you up, and then you would be wounded again, and the Lord would keep healing you. It is almost impossible for the camel to go through the eye of the needle, but nothing is impossible with God. The Petra is about a period of great humbling.” The sobs racked my body as the truth of her words touched my spirit. And I felt more affirmed in my journey with that one metaphor than in all of the words that I have heard over the last four years…simply because she nailed it. No…the Spirit of God did, and He wanted me to know that He knows. And that in itself was what I needed. No one could possibly understand the past four years of my life but Him. Then Mary said something that blew me away. She spoke very matter of factly, “The Lord says in five days it will be over.” That was a bit much for me and I broke the prayer off momentarily to clarify… “You mean five literal days?” “Yep,” she said without any hesitation. I couldn’t even compute. Seriously. I mean, when you go through a spiritual concentration camp for four years, and suddenly you get your walking papers and in five days you get to turn your back on the gates of such intense torture…it doesn’t really seem real. Or believable. Would something major happen to end that period, or would it simply fade into the past? “Who will I be without it?” I thought to myself.
That was 6 days ago.
Today, I took out my Bible, and found Matthew 19.
Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?" Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. Peter answered him, "We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?" Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life .But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." (Matt. 19:21-30)
Some time, many years ago, I had highlighted verses 21 and 26 and written a note beside it. “Only God can enable us to love Him more than what we treasure here.”
As I think about God’s call on my life, and how necessary that will be, I understand a little as to why I have had to go through the eye of the needle. And I am grateful, honored even. I understand that our suffering, when born in submission to Christ, is our glory. Even when we don’t suffer perfectly. It is through suffering that we are perfected. I don’t know how things will go from here, or what more suffering and humbling will be necessary. But I do know this, God has done the impossible in my life, and whether His work comes through pain or joy, He is enabling me to love Him more than any earthly treasures, and He who began a good work in me, will be faithful to complete it.
There are a number of things that I evaluate when I determine whether or not to receive a word of prophecy or a prophetic prayer. Again, in John 10, we read that the sheep know the Shepherd’s voice. I, as a sheep, am responsible to my Heavenly Shepherd. So I always ask myself, does what this person say resonate with the Spirit of God in me? If there is a conflict, then I must seek and wait before the Lord until He gives me clarity as to whether the unrest comes from an inability on my part to receive what the Lord is saying, or if the unrest is because the “word” is not from God. It is only when there is a receptiveness in my spirit as it submits to His Spirit that I receive that word.
The second lesson comes from James 3 and 4. It is very simple and yet so often ignored in the church—perhaps because we trust our leaders so much, or perhaps because we are so easily swayed by a good argument instead of evaluating things by God’s methods.
James 3:13-18 says this, “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, thee you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peaceloving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial, and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.”
There is so much help as to discerning whether wisdom comes from heaven or not packed in these verses. Here are the things that I think most speak to the topic at hand. First, true wisdom shows itself through humility. Not pride, not arrogance, or condescension, and certainly not contempt. Second, true wisdom comes from the pure in heart—those who are emptied of themselves and their own desires so that they have made room in their souls for God’s desires to come forth in purity. No selfish ambition, pride, partiality, or insincerity taints their words. Their words sow peace because there is nothing contrary to God’s Word or will in their message. And thus what they speak brings forth a harvest. It brings LIFE.
So as I observed Mary interact with those in the memorial service, I watched for those things. I was very moved by the fruit of the Spirit I saw in her. After the memorial service, Mary approached me. She did not know me other than my first name. She didn’t even know the person I came with. But she told me that she had a word for me from the Lord if I would like to receive it. I sensed that the Lord had been preparing me for this and that He wanted me to hear her. Mary recorded the prayer she prayed over me so that I could take it with me. She felt a little sheepish doing so, but I was so glad that she did. Her prayer was over five minutes long, and if you have ever had this type of experience, you understand that the prayer itself is so powerful that your ability to recall the words of it are minimal at best. The Spirit’s work through her prayer was very powerful, almost overwhelming. And if a prayer is truly is a word of prophecy about your life the words are priceless treasures. So I am very glad to have a record of her words so that I can go back to them.
At that time, Mary’s prayer was used by God to do an enormous work of healing in my spirit, and God spoke of some special things through her about my life. It was a very precious time. But though I had many questions I sensed that the Lord did not want me to initiate any more contact with her. I saw her once more a few months later with a group of people, and sensed that at some point we would speak again, but there was a stay on my spirit…until two weeks ago.
It was interesting when I called her. She had been waiting for me. I tried to warn her that my journey was a bit unusual, but she reassured me that when the Holy Spirit introduces you to someone it is different. She shared with me some of the things that the Lord had revealed to her about my calling and asked me if I sensed the same things from the Lord and I told her yes. So we met.
It was a very interesting time. We spoke for a number of hours, and then Mary prayed over me for over an hour. I’ve never had an experience quite like it. During Mary’s prayer she started explaining a picture the Lord was giving her about my journey. It was of a period of great humbling. Like a camel stooping down very low, to be able to get though an opening. “Petra,” she said. Then it came together for her. “The camel going through the eye of the needle,” she said. It’s an actual place called Petra. She said, “The last four years have been a time of terrible suffering for you. A great humbling period. It’s been like Auschwitz for you. Many people died there, but you survived. You kept getting beaten down time after time, and when you would receive the wounds the Lord would heal you up, and then you would be wounded again, and the Lord would keep healing you. It is almost impossible for the camel to go through the eye of the needle, but nothing is impossible with God. The Petra is about a period of great humbling.” The sobs racked my body as the truth of her words touched my spirit. And I felt more affirmed in my journey with that one metaphor than in all of the words that I have heard over the last four years…simply because she nailed it. No…the Spirit of God did, and He wanted me to know that He knows. And that in itself was what I needed. No one could possibly understand the past four years of my life but Him. Then Mary said something that blew me away. She spoke very matter of factly, “The Lord says in five days it will be over.” That was a bit much for me and I broke the prayer off momentarily to clarify… “You mean five literal days?” “Yep,” she said without any hesitation. I couldn’t even compute. Seriously. I mean, when you go through a spiritual concentration camp for four years, and suddenly you get your walking papers and in five days you get to turn your back on the gates of such intense torture…it doesn’t really seem real. Or believable. Would something major happen to end that period, or would it simply fade into the past? “Who will I be without it?” I thought to myself.
That was 6 days ago.
Today, I took out my Bible, and found Matthew 19.
Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?" Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. Peter answered him, "We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?" Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life .But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." (Matt. 19:21-30)
Some time, many years ago, I had highlighted verses 21 and 26 and written a note beside it. “Only God can enable us to love Him more than what we treasure here.”
As I think about God’s call on my life, and how necessary that will be, I understand a little as to why I have had to go through the eye of the needle. And I am grateful, honored even. I understand that our suffering, when born in submission to Christ, is our glory. Even when we don’t suffer perfectly. It is through suffering that we are perfected. I don’t know how things will go from here, or what more suffering and humbling will be necessary. But I do know this, God has done the impossible in my life, and whether His work comes through pain or joy, He is enabling me to love Him more than any earthly treasures, and He who began a good work in me, will be faithful to complete it.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
The Groomsman
 |
| From Bgrace |
"His eyes followed me all around the room."
I know, it sounds like the beginning of a steamy romance, doesn't it?
But seriously, I was just doing my job, serving the head table. What do you do with all that? When despite all your efforts at blending into the decorations he decides you're the most interesting thing at the wedding? He was extremely polite and respectful. By far the most handsome man I've seen there all season and he was very obviously aware of my presence.
"Maybe it's just my imagination," I thought at first. It's not uncommon for the guests to hit on the servers. Most of them are barely sober and often mistake respectful service for mutual interest. But he was not drinking and the mirrors circling the dining area don't lie. If he only knew how much they were giving him away.
So the question is, in Christ, what do I do in this situation?
I know! I should approach the head table (he was a groomsman) and say, "Excuse me sir, but could you stop admiring me because my cheeks are blushing and my husband would be uncomfortable about all this and if you don't stop making me self-conscious I might spill champagne on the bride."
No--all wisdom would tell me to flee. Runaway from all temptation. Except, that wasn't a very good option. J. always assigns me to the head table. Plus, there was no real temptation. His girlfriend was sitting on the other side of the bride. My minivan was sitting in the parking lot.
Oh, wait! I remember now, from junior high. Be mean. Give him a cold, condescending, aloof stare that says, "You are beneath me, you are offensive, and you probably smell. Get thee behind me." There's a whole lotta' Jesus in that.
Here's the thing. Every one of those strategies is an outward solution. He wasn't doing anything wrong. I can't even say if he caught sight of my wedding band. Don't we want to be noticed? Don't we want people to be nice to us? But his continued attention and a certain chemistry in the air led me to believe he was being pulled by what some might call an attraction.
Ahhh, so the real issue is that sometimes we can perceive, with some level of insight, what is going on inside of each other. And sometimes, to our dismay, we can't hide what is going on inside of us.
What do we do with that? How do we stay within the bounds of appropriate behavior when our emotions refuse to cooperate. That is, assuming he has enough depth of character to care about the fact that he has a girlfriend and I'm married and that should have a significant amount of bearing on the way things go in that situation.
Does setting boundaries mean I need to cut him off?
How often do we use someone's admiration as a springboard for rejection? We punish them for their emotions.
I know, it's crazy, but what if truth in love really worked?
I mean, honestly, what I thought would be great, would be if he walked up to me and told me he was interested and I could say, "You know what, you are really attractive, and it's nice to be admired. Thank you for being so kind. But you came here with a girl who's feelings you need to consider and I have a husband I want to be faithful to. So I'm not going to pretend I didn't notice, but there's other things in my life that are more important, and more lasting than you. Have a great rest of the night."
Wouldn't that be perfect?
But the truth is I find myself battling with a desire to want more. To want him to pay more attention to me, to be more infatuated with me, to be more drawn to me.
BUT WHY?
I mean seriously, he's got a girlfriend, and he may very well have seen my ring so he obviously is dealing with some character issues. (Though we'd tell ourselves it's only because we are SO irresistible, so it's not really his fault.)
And then there's the whole reality check--OK, so who am I kidding, I'm not going to throw away my life on this one, so why do I allow myself to be drawn in?
How do I change so that I am the kind of person who loves Him as a child of God enough to ask that God would AND I could participate with Him to bring His kingdom, His will into this situation so that instead of him being drawn to me and me being drawn to him that we are both able to walk away (and that is a key phrase here) blessed by light and truth and God's love?
I know you think I'm crazy but I really think that is possible. God is MORE than conqueror. He doesn't just make the playing field level--He wants to overwhelm the playing field.
But am I willing to allow God to do that kind of a work in me, and what part do I play in that refining process? I don't know the answers. I DO know that I want attraction--which was invented by God--to work for His glory. When it comes toward me and when I feel it in me. And for that to happen I know it needs to be sanctified in me for God's purposes.
I cannot do that, but I can ask for it, and lean into the refining fire as He brings me through it.
Anyways, girls...have at it, because for now it's just us three here in bgrace land.
Love you.
B
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Words
I have an experiment going on--I'm trying to write a paragraph every day. No pics, just words. Thought you might want a peek.
http://bgracewords.blogspot.com/
http://bgracewords.blogspot.com/
Thursday, September 9, 2010
JEM
It's all summed up in this one idea.
I don't think anybody but me has ever had a friend like you.
Not even David.
Your friendship is one of the eternal treasures that for some reason, I got to experience on this earth.
Thank you.
Happy Birthday.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Reflection
Photo by Bgrace
I love this photo. I love this flight of stairs. I love the man sitting on them.
I love the full length window that bathes the wood in warmth and light. You can't see them from a distance, but there are fleur de lis in the iron railings. I like the black door. It has an authority to it. Like you might need permission to enter into the comings and goings of the inner staircase.
Feels a lot like me.
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