Keep Your Foot

Photo by Bgrace

"Keep your foot (give your mind to what you are doing) when you go...to the house of God. For to draw near to hear and obey is better than to give the sacrifice of fools (carelessly, irreverently) too ignorant to know that they are doing evil." Ecclesiastes 5:1

Lately I've taken to writing scripture on 3x5 cards and keeping them with me. It's one of those practices my Dad used to have that when I was younger I thought was incredibly tacky and lame and now have quite contentedly adopted for myself. Of course, my 3x5 cards are neon yellow, pink, green, and orange, so maybe that's the difference. :-)

ANYWAYS, sometimes I take them to the gym, so that I can work them into my mind and listen to how God is applying them to my heart. This passage from Ecclesiastes just seemed to open up to me. Not that I feel like I've had any earth shattering revelations about it. Rather, it feels like something you know all along but suddenly comes alive in a new way. In a meaningful way, especially in my present circumstances.

The message is simply this--pay attention when you go to commune with God. Draw near to hear and then obey what you hear. This is different than those who are foolish--those who are careless about how they commune with God, who don't focus on the interaction.

They are foolish because they approach the time irreverently and carelessly. In other words, they don't really think they have a whole lot to learn through their time with God. Is it because they don't really expect God to speak? Or because they think they already know what God thinks about something, or that they can come up with the answers without the voice of the Holy Spirit giving enlightenment to His Word?

More than anything, what I see in this passage is a very weighty emphasis on coming into the presence of God, listening to God, waiting for Him to speak, and coming out of that interaction, obeying as we have been led. This was written before Christ gave us the Spirit. How much more now than then? For now the Holy Spirit's house is within us.

What saddens me most is how much this beautiful way of receiving guidance that God opens to His children has been undermined, has been doubted, and has been lost in the teachings of the church. It is of such great importance that we practice this.

We must believe that wisdom comes from listening. We must approach God with faith that He will speak. And we must learn to listen to the sound of His voice. If you don't recognize it yet, don't give up. Give it a week, a month, a year. Seek it as the lost pearl. The greatest treasure. But trust that it is there waiting, eager to be discovered.

IT IS A LIVING WORD. Alive and life giving.

Keep your foot as you go to it.

Belles of the Ball

So last night was the night of the ball. The three of them had a blast, and I had almost just as much fun getting them ready. I'll get the rest of the pictures up sometime, but I thought I'd give you a peek.

Grace at the door

Photo by Bgrace

Matt & Em
Photo by Bgrace

Dancing Lesson
Photo by Bgrace

The Princesses
Photo by Bgrace

Matt & Grace
Photo by Bgrace

Saudades

This is my Grandpa's favorite game.

Maybe if he sees these pictures he'll want to come play with me.

(Mommy said there's more pictures of me if he clicks at the Photoshop Album Link on the upper right side of the page.)

Prayer

photo by Bgrace

Philadelphia Museum of Art

Usher me into Your sanctuary
Cover me with Your blood
Forgive me my sins
Weaknesses and failures
Shortcomings and errors
Rebuke my accusers
Tell them to leave
Turn about-face
Even should they speak the truth
I stand not in perfection
But grace

Boot Camp

Joan the Maid

Photo by Bgrace

But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver, but also [utensils] of wood and earthenware, and some for honorable and noble [use] and some for menial and ignoble [use].
So whoever cleanses himself [from what is ignoble and unclean, who separates himself from contact with contaminating and corrupting influences] will [then himself] be a vessel set apart and useful for honorable and noble purposes, consecrated and profitable to the Master, fit and ready for any good work. (II Timothy 2:20-21)

God's been working on me for a while in a particular way, and these past few weeks He's really been tightening the screws. Sometimes that means He's been saying stuff all along, but I haven't taken it quite as seriously as He might mean it. Or sometimes that means that He's bringing me along at just the right pace--which usually means stretching me just up to the breaking point.

For a while He's been teaching me about what it means to be set apart, consecrated, sanctified. And usually when God works on me, He does it on every level. For example, I've been really working through what it means to subdue the flesh. On a physical level, there are a few specific things the Lord has asked of me. No coffee. Exercise--specifically cardio. And drinking water. People ask me why. Well, some of the reasons for me are obvious. Coffee really affects me because the acid exacerbates my reflux problem. Which wouldn't stop me from drinking it, but God has clearly said no to me for a while. I went to decaf, and then only one cup a day, and God was patient with me, but finally, He just made it clear....no more. And really the only reason I can come up with is simply obedience. You have to understand--I LOVE my coffee. Then came the whole exercise thing. You know, I don't mind exercising...but the only time I can do it without really inconveniencing my family is at 5:50 AM. And I HATE getting up that early. Especially in the cold. But God's really letting me know this is what He wants from me. I know I need to get in shape to climb Mt. Katadin, and I know it helps keep me from having to buy a new wardrobe, but still, I know this is purely about obedience. Now the water thing...I don't like to drink water unless I'm thirsty. Really thirsty. I'll drink tea, juice, wine, whatever...and its so funny because I know this is something God is asking me to make a practice of, and I was really not doing well, so finally I asked Him, "How much water do you want me to drink?" Very clearly and immediately He said, "Six cups." (Well, its better than 8.) Again, I know all these things are good for me. But to be consistent in them requires discipline, and it also requires me to subdue the flesh.

Which is soooooooooo painful.

Now the latest is that God is really impressing on me that I'm not to be putting stuff in my body that isn't helpful. It's not a diet. It's about doing only what is good for my body and not intentionally doing anything harmful. Or even benign. Now, I'm not going overboard legalistic on this, I'm trying to ask God to help me make the everyday choices, but its still hard. It is so easy to rationalize. I'm realizing how weak my flesh is.

And what I've found is this...I do just fine until something hard comes along. Like having a really hard day when Sarah got hurt. It's so funny how quickly I want to comfort myself with all the things that aren't good for me. Immediately I say, well, my day was so hard I deserve a chocolate truffle. Even though I know that will exacerbate my reflux and so technically will make me feel physically worse.

This is just the physical level. God has asked me to cut out the things I bring into my life that cause me to get sidetracked mentally, emotionally, and spiritually also. Like not really even turning the TV on unless there is something specific that He leads me to watch. Don't even get me started on movies...(trust me, there aren't a lot of chick flicks on His list). He's even convicted me about being on the computer unless He's released me to be on it and where at that.

Oh my goodness, I feel like I have become my worst college nightmare! (Although He hasn't told me to not drink wine yet.) Except, though its really hard, because I feel like He's asking me to take so much out of my life and shut down so much that was coming in, it's not a nightmare. Because I understand that He's emptying me. He's emptying me of self. He's asking me to subdue the flesh and nourish my inner and outer being. And I know that because He is doing the work in me, giving me the strength to slowly change.

I recognize the lessons that I am learning and the ways that I am growing spiritually along the same lines. There is much He is asking me to abstain from, to wait on, to let go of, and to entrust. There are many ways He is calling me to change and to grow. And all of this is very painful. But very purifying. It is in emptying that we create a space for Him to fill.

Sometimes it almost feels like to much...its so hard to walk all of this at one time. Last night I was feeling a bit desperate to understand why it was necessary to go through so much refining in so many ways all at once, and I fell asleep asking for night school. Sarah woke up at 2 AM and I got up to take care of her, and as I made my way back to bed, I thought with some disappointment that God hadn't really showed me anything. Then I started to remember what I was dreaming about, and I realized I'd been dreaming about the movie GI Jane. A picture of Demi Moore with a crew cut flashed into my mind. I kind of shook my head and laughed and thought, "What does that have to do with anything?" Then God spoke into my mind and He said, "boot camp." And suddenly it just kind of made sense. This is a time of consecration, of preparation, of necessary training for what's next. (Joshua 3 is an interesting example of this.)

The passage in II Timothy is one I've been reading daily for the past week or so. I know that I still haven't gleaned from it all that the Lord is saying to me. But I know this, if God is going to offer me something noble to do in the Heavenly Kingdom, than I want that more than I want chocolate truffles, chick flicks, to surf the net, or sleep in. And I'm willing to drink water, and strengthen my body and my spirit with the things that He is asking of me because He knows what I need in order to be prepared.

The consistency is the hard part. And I've got a long way to go. That is where He comes in. I know that He is the only one who can make this a lasting change and sustain His work in me.

I trust that He will do it, as I yield myself one piece at a time, and eventually wholly to Him.

B Mine

Dinner

Dancing

Happy

Romancing

All photos by Becky, Matt, or the camera.

You're Everything

(Michael Buble)

You're a falling star,

You're the get away car.

You're the line in the sand when I go too far.

You're the swimming pool, on an August day.

And You're the perfect thing to say.

And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.

Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.

Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.

Cause you can see it when I look at you.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times

It's you, it's you, You make me sing.

You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,

And you light me up, when you ring my bell.

You're a mystery, you're from outer space,

You're every minute of my everyday.

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,

And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.

Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,

And you know that's what our love can do.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

In the Doghouse...

"It's like this, I said, "You messed with my baby. You hurt her. I know you didn't mean it, but it doesn't matter. I'm NOT happy with you. THAT'S my BABY." Sam just looked up at me with big sad brown eyes. I was much unaffected.

I was helping myself to all my favorite coping mechanisms. Well, not all...I saved the glass of wine for now. But hot chocolate, dark chocolate truffles and curling up under a warm blanket was all I had the energy for.

It started out as such a good day. Warm, sunny, and shopping. Matt is taking the girls (Grace and Em) to a ball next Saturday. It's a Daddy/Daughter dance and they get all dressed up and wear corsages and its held in the ballroom over at the Masonic Homes. So Sarah and I were going to look for frilly dresses for the girls. I was so excited, I thought I'd like to find a cobalt one for Grace, and a guilded orange one for Em. I decided to take Sam for a quick little run before putting him in the basement while we were gone. Well, Sam has this awful habit of wanting to play tug of war with the leash (I'm blaming Grandpa for this one). And Sarah followed me out, all happy with her popsicle, and Sam was so happy to be outside he was totally oblivious of her. I was trying to get the leash away from him, and pulled up and over on it. He jumped up really high to try and snatch it from me, and at that precise moment Sarah darted behind me and up under him. He landed right on top of her with all his weight (70 lbs) right on her back and jammed her face right into the pavement.

It was horrible. Sarah started screaming and blood was just gushing from her mouth. I couldn't let go of Sam, because the last thing I needed was to be running around the neighborhood after him when I might need to take Sarah to the ER. But he was so oblivious, he thought it was still time to play. So I'm balancing Sarah on my one arm and finally turned the end of the leash on Sam and whipped him on the nose with and and yelled, "Stop it." Well, he got my point.

He ushered himself down to the basement as soon as we got inside.

Well, I decided the dentist was closer, and they have emergency service there, so I made a quick call and they said they would see us right away. Sarah was crying for her Daddy--who has been in VA this week. I tried to call him 3 times and he didn't answer his phone. So now I'm mad at Sam (who was just being an idiot dog) and Matt wasn't too high up on the list either, (because he's supposed to KNOW that this is an emergency and answer his phone!)

Sarah quieted down when we went into the dentist and they let her sit on my lap in the big chair. Her face was all scraped up, her lip completely swollen, she had cut her tongue and had gravel chunks in her mouth. She was so good though and sat quietly while they examined her. Her front teeth were pushed a bit up and back into her gum and are all swollen and sore. She let them take X-rays, and look inside her mouth and under her lip.

Dr. White (Seriously, isn't that the greatest name for a dentist?) finally came in and asked her what happened and she said, "My Sammy jumped on my back and I got a boo boo." Dr. White looked at me when he was done and said, "It will heal fine, it looks a whole lot worse than it really is." And then he says, "I'm saying that to reassure you." I looked at him and nodded, "Oh, reassurance is good." And I started to get all misty. So then he laid it on nice and thick. I just ate it all up. I think I was more traumatized than Sarah.

So of course when we were done we had to go cope together. I bought her a slushy and Dora Band Aids, and Motrin, and french fries, and I probably would have gotten her a Mini Cooper if she had asked for it. I finally got a hold of Matt, and he felt so terrible for his baby and for not answering his phone I forgave him for not being in PA. Of course, when he came home tonight with a big heart balloon with a cow on it for Sarah (Its says give me a sMOOch) and flowers for me I forgot I was ever upset.

I went to the gym and poured all my stress into 4 miles of Evanescence. Now my tension's gone, and I'm just tired. So we're all recovering and coping, but I'm still mad at Sam.

No he's not still in the basement...at least not literally.

But I have two questions...Does God ever get as upset at people for hurting His babies as I do?

'Cause part of me kind of hopes He does.

And the second question is this.

Am I ever Sam?

'Cause the other part of me hopes He doesn't.

BTW: Matt just asked me if I wanted to know how much Sam weighs so I can put an add in the newspaper. Guess he's not over it either.

Gold by Moonlight

Gold by Moonlight

photo by Bgrace

"In 1637, out of much trouble of mind, the Scottish minister Rutherford wrote to a friend:

It is possible to gather gold, where it may be had, with moonlight.

This book is written to any who are walking in difficult places and who care to gather that gold."

(from the preface of Gold by Moonlight)

So is this picture.

"If we wait till we have clear enough vision to see the expected end before we stay our mind upon Him who is our Strength, we shall miss an opportunity that will never come again: we shall never know the blessing of the unoffended. Now is the time to say, "My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise," even though as we say the words there is no sense of exultation. "It is possible to gather gold, where it may be had, with moonlight," by which I understand something less helpful than daylight would be in the search and the finding of gold. By moonlight, then, let us gather our gold."

(Amy C.)

Sunset on Ice (and a few other photos from today)

sunset on ice

sunset on ice 2

sunset on ice 3

duck bath

tree row

All photos by Bgrace.

I needed a reminder...

You know, sometimes I forget that I have a say--a very important say-- in what is the truth about my own journey. And tonight, Matt and I rediscovered that together. Unfortunately, sometimes that only surfaces under pressure. Thank you Matt, for being with me, beside me, and behind me. And thank you God, for letting me see through the shallowness of what was offered, in comparison with what You have sowed into my life.
We'll keep trusting God to show us truth and to cover us from oppression. And in the meantime, we'll hold on to each other.

Cause for Whatever Reason, Sarah and I Love This Picture

"ICE COLD milk"

photo by Bgrace

Divided Loyalties

Branches

Photo by Bgrace

Allegiance is an interesting concept. It can be confusing at times. Especially when our various allegiances begin to cross lines. I think I get this more than some. I grew up as an American citizen in a foreign country. I also have Brazilian citizenship. Yep. You can be a citizen of more than one country at a time, depending on the laws of the countries in question. Because my mother was born on Brazilian soil, all of her children, and their descendants, have a right to Brazilian citizenship. So...I'm a citizen of two countries.

I remember being a teenager watching the Olympics on TV in Brazil. Whenever the US Basketball teams played, I always wanted the US to win, even if they were playing Brazil. My Dad and I used to watch hours of basketball together: college, professional. I was a huge Jordan fan (who wasn't?) and my loyalties developed naturally. I knew those guys. They were my team. But when the soccer teams were playing, there was no question about wanting Brazil to win. (Of course it might have had something to do with them being the best soccer players in the world.) These guys were also household names for us. My deeper loyalty was to them.

One thing they say about a lot of kids who grow up in a third culture--in other words their family is of a different culture/nationality than the country/culture they live in--is that many of them go through a severe identity crisis. They don't really know who they are or where they belong. They are a mixture or combination of both cultures and have trouble finding their identity in either.

This was certainly true for me. And in my early twenties I truly didn't know who I was. I realized that I had based my identity on a picture that I thought my life should look like, and my life didn't look like that. And I didn't know who I wanted to be. I didn't know where I belonged and no place felt like home. This time, though a great struggle, was such an important discovery process for me. It led me to the realization that the deepest truth about me (who I am) is I am child of God. He created and raised me and prepared for something unique. The only way I would be able to live that out would be in relationship with Him.

I had a dream a few days ago. It's the kind I pay attention to. I listen to. I ask, "What are You saying God?" What came very poignantly to me was this sense of divided loyalty. Being pulled and torn between allegiances that don't seem to cross well. Of course the easy answer would be to choose, right? But what if, for whatever reason, it doesn't seem like an option, or at least not a good one?Like between two friends, or a spouse and a friend, or between churches, or things that you love?

To be honest, sometimes I think we make decisions about these things a bit too quickly. We often choose the path of least resistance just because it is the path of least resistance.

I wonder...how often do we consult God about it? How often do we make choices based on our loyalty to those closest to us rather than out of obedience to God? And how often, if He asks us to, are we willing to stay in the tension? The tension of earthly relationships.

There is a way to remain above the internal tension that often results. Amiel says it most simply, "To will what God wills brings peace."

Our loyalty is only rightly given when it is given first to God. We are to then place our loyalties in submission to Him to what and whom He calls us. And in the way He calls us to be loyal. Which is most often a loyalty that draws others to a loyalty that is also first to Him. It is the only way to be grounded. It is the only way to keep ourselves fully in the flow of His will and not the divided wills of those who cross our path.