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| From Bgrace |
"His eyes followed me all around the room."
I know, it sounds like the beginning of a steamy romance, doesn't it?
But seriously, I was just doing my job, serving the head table. What do you do with all that? When despite all your efforts at blending into the decorations he decides you're the most interesting thing at the wedding? He was extremely polite and respectful. By far the most handsome man I've seen there all season and he was very obviously aware of my presence.
"Maybe it's just my imagination," I thought at first. It's not uncommon for the guests to hit on the servers. Most of them are barely sober and often mistake respectful service for mutual interest. But he was not drinking and the mirrors circling the dining area don't lie. If he only knew how much they were giving him away.
So the question is, in Christ, what do I do in this situation?
I know! I should approach the head table (he was a groomsman) and say, "Excuse me sir, but could you stop admiring me because my cheeks are blushing and my husband would be uncomfortable about all this and if you don't stop making me self-conscious I might spill champagne on the bride."
No--all wisdom would tell me to flee. Runaway from all temptation. Except, that wasn't a very good option. J. always assigns me to the head table. Plus, there was no real temptation. His girlfriend was sitting on the other side of the bride. My minivan was sitting in the parking lot.
Oh, wait! I remember now, from junior high. Be mean. Give him a cold, condescending, aloof stare that says, "You are beneath me, you are offensive, and you probably smell. Get thee behind me." There's a whole lotta' Jesus in that.
Here's the thing. Every one of those strategies is an outward solution. He wasn't doing anything wrong. I can't even say if he caught sight of my wedding band. Don't we want to be noticed? Don't we want people to be nice to us? But his continued attention and a certain chemistry in the air led me to believe he was being pulled by what some might call an attraction.
Ahhh, so the real issue is that sometimes we can perceive, with some level of insight, what is going on inside of each other. And sometimes, to our dismay, we can't hide what is going on inside of us.
What do we do with that? How do we stay within the bounds of appropriate behavior when our emotions refuse to cooperate. That is, assuming he has enough depth of character to care about the fact that he has a girlfriend and I'm married and that should have a significant amount of bearing on the way things go in that situation.
Does setting boundaries mean I need to cut him off?
How often do we use someone's admiration as a springboard for rejection? We punish them for their emotions.
I know, it's crazy, but what if truth in love really worked?
I mean, honestly, what I thought would be great, would be if he walked up to me and told me he was interested and I could say, "You know what, you are really attractive, and it's nice to be admired. Thank you for being so kind. But you came here with a girl who's feelings you need to consider and I have a husband I want to be faithful to. So I'm not going to pretend I didn't notice, but there's other things in my life that are more important, and more lasting than you. Have a great rest of the night."
Wouldn't that be perfect?
But the truth is I find myself battling with a desire to want more. To want him to pay more attention to me, to be more infatuated with me, to be more drawn to me.
BUT WHY?
I mean seriously, he's got a girlfriend, and he may very well have seen my ring so he obviously is dealing with some character issues. (Though we'd tell ourselves it's only because we are SO irresistible, so it's not really his fault.)
And then there's the whole reality check--OK, so who am I kidding, I'm not going to throw away my life on this one, so why do I allow myself to be drawn in?
How do I change so that I am the kind of person who loves Him as a child of God enough to ask that God would AND I could participate with Him to bring His kingdom, His will into this situation so that instead of him being drawn to me and me being drawn to him that we are both able to walk away (and that is a key phrase here) blessed by light and truth and God's love?
I know you think I'm crazy but I really think that is possible. God is MORE than conqueror. He doesn't just make the playing field level--He wants to overwhelm the playing field.
But am I willing to allow God to do that kind of a work in me, and what part do I play in that refining process? I don't know the answers. I DO know that I want attraction--which was invented by God--to work for His glory. When it comes toward me and when I feel it in me. And for that to happen I know it needs to be sanctified in me for God's purposes.
I cannot do that, but I can ask for it, and lean into the refining fire as He brings me through it.
Anyways, girls...have at it, because for now it's just us three here in bgrace land.
Love you.
B
