Is it time?

How long should I wait?

Is it time to go back?

But then again, it's not really going back.

I've changed.

It's going forward.

It's a new day.

Will my voice sound different?

Will I be afraid? (Protect me Lord, from my enemies.)

You know, Lord. You know.

The Word became flesh and pitched His tent next to me.

I have redemption by my side.

It might be so much better.

Like everything I did before was from the shallow end of the pool.

What will it be like to sing from the deep end of the ocean?

Oh, my soul. Now sing my soul. Oh, to sing my soul.

Lord, let me know.

Let me know, if it is time.

(photo from some microphone vendor site, not taken by me)

Mary Go Round

"One more time!" I'm bid to spin.

"Faster, faster, round again!"

How could I turn away

that grin?

The rusty bars

my fingers clasp.

"Hold on tight!"

Don't lose your grasp.

The weight of my frame

leans into the turn.

My feet pound

the dusty, dry ground

and burn.

I toss myself onto a vacant space,

For a moment enjoy the wind on my face

Until my head swims dizzy. Uneasy.

My stomach turns over

down

right

queasy.

Why do I keep going around?

My feet need solid, steady ground.

On this ride THAT has yet to be found.

Is it time to get off this Mary go round?

"Mary, spin some more!" you say.

No more spinning.

No

way.

Now don't be sad.

Do not dismay.

For later on, this very day

(When) You tire of turning

You want to stop spinning

Your feet are grounded

Your lips again grinning.

I'll be waiting

In the shade of the tree.

There together, at rest

we can B.

Friendship...giving it a Name

Jean's Tree

Christmas is a time of expectancy--a looking forward to what is coming. A time of opening ourselves up to the new gifts that love brings our way. And a time of reflecting upon the great gifts that have already been extended to us.
My thoughts turn to those I love and desire to bless with some small token, with a meaningful gift of some sort. God has richly blessed me with precious relationships: My Beloved Matt, whom I love so much it makes me ache, whose deeply rooted goodness, integrity, and humility always win out. Whose strong arms of faithfulness, loyalty, and unfaltering commitment have held us through the storms.
My three Daughters...my greatest treasures, the stars that light my Mother Crown.
My parents...whose greatness in the kingdom will one day be known ("by their fruit").
My "Elizabeth" with whom I walk in an echoing journey of faith and hope and love, and who proves to me by her witness that I am not alone.
My brothers who will climb Mt. Katadin with me this summer even if I have to carry them down. (I was thinking that maybe, if necessary, they could slide down "The Chimney", Dad.)
My "White Wizard" whose wisdom is so cloaked in humility it's wonder is missed by most who rush by it.
My "Peter" who is far from me in presence but not in fondness.
My dear Carol whose dogwood branches arch over me with love.
My daughters in the faith who now look upon my journey with some confusion, but one day will be reassured.
My Lord, whose arms will one day physically wrap themselves around me.
And there is still room in my life for more treasures to come...
But on this day, in this season of reflection, this post is to honor a very special gift.
A gift that only Heaven can give.
Frodo had his Sam. David had his Jonathan. I have my Jean.
Oh, we do laugh about it. That scene in Lord of the Rings where Frodo realizes that what he carries is too burdensome for everyone else. Frodo takes off alone in the boat and yells to Sam on the shore that he has to go the rest of the journey alone. Sam yells back as he walks into the water, "Sure you are--and I'm going with you!" It's rings so true. We laugh that I finally named one of my children (our dog Sam) after her. I tease her that she's my Jeannie in a bottle. (I need to get you one of those outfits!!) My kids call her Aunt, and unfortunately she's mistaken often for my mother. (I tell her its only because I look so young.) :-)
Jean and I have been friends for 12 years. Our friendship has been stretched and evolved, and been changed and purified over that time. We have both matured as individuals and our relationship has been enriched and reflects that process as well. It is hard work to be as close as we are and have our friendship reflect Godliness. And I'm blessed, so blessed to say that I believe it does.
Some people are uncomfortable with our friendship. Judge it. They blame it for things it isn't responsible for. Some are envious of it. It is only because they don't understand it. Perhaps they can't trust that two women could be so close in a friendship without it being tainted by too much loyalty, or by a a self-centered neediness. Ah, but there is no such thing as too much loyalty. There is only misplaced loyalty. A pure friendship is rooted first in a loyalty to Christ, a commitment to fulfill His purposes in the life of another, a determination to find our needs met in our Saviour so that we can give and bless the life of another and meet the needs of another as a gift from God, a gift so much more fitting than one we can offer in and of ourselves. Yes, the gift of true friendship is a calling. And Jean, I believe, has been called to be my friend.


Her calling has expressed itself in different ways at different times. It is not an exaggeration to say I would not be alive today were it not for her care of me at excruciatingly difficult times in my journey. She has been called to minister to my children when my arms were stretched to wide or were too weak. She has reassured my family of God's work in my life when they were afraid for me. She has given greatly to make space for Matt and I to have time to deepen our relationship. She has been my spiritual guard, protecting me and going before my every battle with prayer. She has often been my companion in difficult tasks. She has so often interceded for me before the throne of God that the blessings and answers that I have received as a result I'm sure that I will not know the extent of until the hereafter.
All of those have been wonderful things, but there is a new expression of our friendship that has blossomed that is the sweetest yet. It is the dance of reciprocity. When we were at the retreat, we were able to spend some time with just the leaders, Ken and Katherine. Now Ken and Katherine are an intriguing couple. She seems quite a bit older than him, and physically frail to some degree. But they are so connected spiritually. It is almost like they share the same spiritual space. As if there is a circle of three--God, Ken, and Katherine, and they commune together, and listen together, and each have their role and place in the dance and from their dance they communicate a beautiful truth that speaks forth into the life of others. They tend so gently and beautifully to each other, respect greatly what God is doing in each one as if it were crucially important to what God is doing together in them and through them. It was a beautiful thing to witness the tenderness shared between them for each other and for God's work in each other.
As we were sitting with Ken and Katherine, they spoke to us about our friendship. We had said very little about it, so what they spoke they spoke because they had eyes to see. Ken said he felt it very important to "name" it. That what was present in our friendship was very special, very important, and very powerful. It was a calling. They talked about how in the Quaker history they almost always were sent in twos: the minister, the one who had the message, and the elder, to help the messenger. He said that in his relationship with Katherine, they took turns in their role as messenger. Every relationship is different And he clearly saw a very special bond between us.
In a later session, they were talking about the dance of spiritual reciprocity. Ken used his hands as an example. "Both are strong," he said. "But their strength is different. The right hand might take the lead, or perform the action, but the left must be just as strong in a different capacity: perhaps to hold fast or to support. Both must care and tend to the work of the other."
When you think of that, and add the element then of the Spirit who moves in and through those hands, you get a beautiful picture of a dance of reciprocity, both with each other and the Spirit of God. Ken and Katherine have that in a marriage relationship. I have the blessing of that in a friendship. And I am very grateful to Ken and Katherine for helping us to see our friendship in a new light.
As I look at how Jean has been a friend to me, especially over the last 4 years, there is no other way to describe it, and so I will name it as an Act of Worship, to her Lord, to her God, to her Adonai.
Our friendship is one means through which we can worship God together. It is becoming a sacred space where we can listen to God together and minister not only to one another but to those around us as well. It is a beautiful dance of reciprocity. And it is a gift from God. One that I cherish, and will work hard to protect it through purity...through not allowing anything to taint it.
Jean and I took a walk one afternoon during the retreat to "listen" to God as we walked, mostly in silence. These reeds were dancing in the wind. The two pictured below seemed almost to be tending to each other as they were blown together, apart, and together again. It was a beautiful representation of my friendship with Jean.



Perhaps that makes you uncomfortable. Ahh, but there is so much that makes us uncomfortable only because we can't imagine that it could be truly pure. But we have the gift of purity through the ever present redemption in Our Lord Jesus Christ.
So this post is to name what has been, is, and will continue to become a true picture of friendship as God intends it to be, a picture of friendship redeemed, in purity as an act of worship to our Lord.


Jean, my friend, I love you dearly.
Merry Christmas
B

Season's Greetings

photo by Bgrace

I can't believe Christmas is only a week away. Time is just flying by. It seems like yesterday we were cleaning up the dishes from Thanksgiving. I love this season. But I've truly learned to love every season. I'm so thankful for all the blessings in my life--the greatest are these: to be content, to see beauty in all its forms and to notice the way it surprises us in the common and uncommon, and to love. To love and be loved. These blessings transcend every season. They are present in all seasons. Sometimes we just need eyes to see them. That is my Christmas prayer for all of us.

I hope to bring all that I am learning about the Beatitudes together in written form, and perhaps that can be my Christmas gift to you, but that is not always on my timetable.

God bless us, every one.

B

Resting

In My Father's Arms

Photo by Bgrace

Transcendent Joy

"transcendent joy"

photo by bgrace

During an afternoon session of the retreat, we divided up into small groups. Christiane, George, Paulette and I stayed in the library sitting room where most of the sessions were held. I liked that room. There was a fireplace in it and over the fireplace was a painting of a plant, but I noticed that its leaves, green and red, reminded me of flames, and it became a kind of symbol to me of the burning bush. I was hopeful that God would show up and speak to us.
The group that I was in was an interesting mix. Christiane was French, and I loved to listen to her no matter what she said. Her accent was fabulous. George was a science teacher in the public school system, very well read, intellectual and yet also a bit touchy feely about stuff. A little eccentric but very likeable. Paulette--now she was very interesting. She had an Obama pin on her jacket and lots of slogan attire. She was a music teacher in a public school. She looked Irish, but was from the Midwest. And she was raised Catholic, though it was not a very good experience, and had become Quaker. She had been spending a lot of time putting Quaker quotes (think George Foxe) to music. She had this gorgeous deep, throaty, singing voice. A very powerful Celtic sounding voice that was surprisingly strong coming out of such a little body. She had been battling Lyme’s disease and depression for a while and seemed very much at the end of her rope. Like coming to the retreat was a desperate last resort for some hope.
Well, we were supposed to discuss some pre-directed questions, but it didn’t quite work out that way. (It wasn’t my fault this time, really.)
George had looked up the word beatitude and starting talking about some of the roots of the word. Happiness was one of the root words. He started talking about what happiness really means. His experience was that though his life was far from perfect he found himself happy. There was this idea of transcendent happiness in his experience. He told the story of his favorite Aunt who was dying. He went to see her on her deathbed and her parting words to him were this, “Whenever you think of me, think of me wishing you joy.”
As he spoke many things in my spirit started to merge together and I began to think of a book that I had just read in the children’s section of Barnes & Nobles called “Ode to Joy”. It was a simple story of a little girl who noticed a homeless man that no one else had time for. She had a special part in a play—just one line—and she invited the man to come to the church to hear it. The play began and it came time for the little girl to say her line, but she looked out into the audience and didn’t see the man. So she waited and waited. Everyone in the whole room waited. It seemed like forever. But she just knew he would come. Finally the door at the back of the sanctuary opened. Gingerly the homeless man walked in, and she knew then she could shout her words with all the gusto a little girl’s spirit could put forth. Her one line rang out, “Behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy!” (At that point I had tears running down my cheeks, which was a bit awkward in a bookstore.)
Many of the Quaker’s at the retreat, though they respect Christ, would be a bit hesitant to call themselves “Christians.” (And certainly very wary of the term evangelical.) Jean and I had realized this on Friday of the retreat and had spent time late that Friday night going over what was happening in our spirits. We shared communion together and prayed. I had this sense that Jesus was going to show up in someway if we would pay attention. So as George finished his story, I knew God was leading me to speak.
And so I shared with them this:
“The picture that speaks so clearly to me of transcendent happiness is the phrase, “I bring you good tidings of great joy.” But what is this news? The birth of Christ, yes. But it was not just the birth. For every player in the story there was both joy and pain. Mary would suffer greatly. “A sword would pierce her own soul.” Many suffered greatly after Herod’s decree that children were to be killed. All of Jesus’ disciples lives were marked with suffering and Jesus himself bore the greatest suffering in carrying the sin of all humanity. There were moments of GREAT PAIN, GREAT BEAUTY, and GREAT DARKNESS, and GREAT JOY. But the path of the cross was necessary, for it was the path to RESSURECTION, and REDEMPTION.”
If we miss the idea of transcendence we have no category to understand pain, disappointment, loss, and darkness in the overall picture of redemption, beauty, and joy. It’s in the arch of transcendence that we see it. It’s all in the beautiful rainbow of God’s promise. Light pierced. Light refracted.
I stopped talking because I realized I had said all that I had to say and the three of them just sat there looking at me like we had all had this really beautiful transcendent moment together. Paulette broke the silence and said in a tone that revealed a bit of disappointment, “I don’t have this Jesus experience that many of you speak about.” “I can’t relate to it or connect to it.” “Is this just a picture that we see throughout all of life or do we have to go through a personal experience of great pain in order to be able to have this joy?” And then she looked at me with her eyes sort of piercing my soul and said, “Are you speaking from your own experience?” It got very quiet in the room. And I said, “Some of us go through Job’s path. And yes, I have had my Job experience. The point where we have lost every human reason to hold on to God and all who would know our experience might say, “Curse God and die.” That is the blessed opportunity to choose to say as Job did, “Yet though He slay me, still I will trust Him.”
I started to say some things to Paulette that at this point I don’t remember. I believe that they were words from God to her because she began crying and nodding and writing them down. They spoke to her in ways I could not have known. My flesh was itching to share the Gospel with her, but I knew the Spirit was telling me to wait. He had not yet cut the path before my feet.
I have no recollection of what happened in the group after that, other than that we hugged each other at the end and I prayed for Paulette's healing from Lyme's Disease. But at lunch that afternoon, Paulette came and sat by me. She started to share some of her story with me. She was very much on the Obama campaign trail and seemed to be a very committed Democrat. (I’m not making any political statements for or against this, only trying to give you a picture of what was important to her.) She was involved in the public schools and very concerned about serving people and doing good things and VERY stressed because she can’t ever seem to do enough. And she brought up about the quotes that she was putting to music, and how she was comfortable with the Quakers, but was really struggling with the Jesus connection—that her experience as a young Catholic hadn’t given her any help. But she felt God was seriously calling her to do something with her music and yet she didn’t think the people around her were able to get it. And as she was talking I felt a strong sense that God was asking me to speak to her and I said, “Paulette, this really strong sense is coming over me. (I saw the acknowledgment in her eyes and so I continued.) "I believe you are feeling it to.” She nodded and started to cry. (And I teared up too at this point.) “I believe that it is the Spirit of God.” She nodded. And I said to her in a very soft and gentle voice, “You are terrified of Jesus…terrified of Jesus.” She nodded emphatically. Her eyes looked at me as if she was at such a loss with how to understand it all. Then I said, “You don’t need to be because He loves you very much.” Simple words, no earth shattering insights, but the arrow went directly to the core of her heart with the power of God.
Jean (who was sitting with us) looked at me, and I knew she had been silently praying throughout the conversation. It was a beautiful, humbling moment. A treasure, as I told Paulette later.
After dinner that evening, Paulette and I had a chance to talk, and she told me that she knew Jesus was trying to reach her. She had a vision a few years before where she was following a bunch of people in an assembly line. They all had stampers on their backs (like the kind you use to stamp “PAID” onto a paper) and she saw one being taken off the back of the person in front of her and it said, “CHRISTIAN.” She realized that she was afraid of ever being labeled a Christian. We spoke a bit about her perceptions of Christians and their reputations and how all of her friends and community she is a part of would never want to be associated with them because of how judgemental they are and closed minded, etc.
I encouraged her to read the Gospels. “Sometimes Jesus’ followers do great damage to representing the true Jesus,” I said. “Perhaps you can rediscover Jesus for yourself. And let HIM teach you.”
I knew that was all that I was to say. That was my part in her journey. The rest was in the hands of the One wooing her.
I knew that throughout the weekend, in the midst of all her confusion about what was truth, and who Jesus was, and what He was doing in her life--in the midst of all that--in a sort of transcendent way she had experienced a bit of true joy. I could see it in her face and in her eyes.
My joy was that I experienced in a very sweet and gentle way the truth of the words, “I am not ashamed of the gospel, for they are the power of God for those who believe.” (Rom. 1:16)
And I experienced the power of what it is like for the Spirit of God to go before us and bear witness so that our message comes not “with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power.” (I Cor. 2:4)
By the way, if you noticed in my post on Advent, there was a photo of a figurine of a pregnant woman kneeling by the Advent wreath. Christiane brought that to our last session together. She said she had been carrying it with her all weekend and wanted to share it with us. I thought it was quite perfect.

Asking the Beatitudes 3 Questions...

“(if only it were this) well marked”
photo by Bgrace

Today my fingers are itching to write. I can hardly contain myself. I went over some notes from the retreat and my thoughts are beginning to come together regarding the big picture. But I won’t get too far ahead because I want you to come along with me in the writing process. Then we’ll see how it will all come together in the end. Please feel free to add your thoughts/insights to the mix. (And no, it’s not too late to post a comment on an earlier post or send me an e-mail about it.) Dad, I’m waiting for an e-mail from you with lots of meat.

Our retreat leaders, Ken and Katherine, asked us to meditate upon 3 questions regarding the Beatitudes:

What are these statements?

Are they separate or are they related in some way?

Do they tell a story? If so, whose story?

So I took my notebook and my Bible and took some time to “listen” to the passage.
Here is what came from that:

"What are these? Observations? Yes, but perhaps it is also an invitation. Would we be willing to become so blessed? To entrust our lives to God’s sovereign hand that He might orchestrate that which would bring us to a place of blessedness? To the place of emptiness and change.
The moment of natural emptiness is the opportunity for spiritual fullness.
We become blessed as we are emptied. Then we are able to receive, able to contain the blessing. We are becoming blessed.
Whose story is this?
I was surprised at the answer that came to me. Perhaps it seems obvious, but I had never thought of the beatitudes as Christ’s story. But clearly they are the path that He walked. In the beatitudes He calls us to His very own pathway. The beatitudes are echoed VERY closely in Philippians 2.
We are invited to become like the prophets before us and to become as Christ Himself who made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. Who humbled himself and became obedient to death.
His blessedness—His greatest reflection of the glory of God—came in His woundedness. Are we willing to enter into this woundedness, this emptiness, experience loss (leave mother/father etc.), this detachment from all that would bind us, humility, a place where we have cause to show mercy to the merciless. To let go of all that would keep us on our own way instead of Christ’s way. Would we become citizen’s of heaven’s kingdom and heaven’s way?
Would we invite the pain of all that must be lost in order to receive in tandem the great joy in heaven’s bestowment of this great grace that changes us as it fills us with the fullness of Christ Himself? The fullness of Love."

Here’s a few things from the rest of the group and from our discussion that I wrote down. (The one’s that spoke most deeply to me are in bold.) There are some real gems in here, so take time to really grasp the depth present in these thoughts:

The Beatitudes were given to the disciples to prepare them to become true followers of Christ.

They sum up the way of living life in the Spirit that reaps the rewards of heaven on earth.

They are precepts and also promises.

They are Jesus’ way of turning the world upside down.

They are a reframing of things. Not seeking for earthly rewards.

Seems to echo the idea of “harder for the rich man to enter into heaven than camel to go through the eye of a needle.”

An archetype of the hero or heroine’s journey. You AWAKE and if you are willing to be present, it takes you into the longing for something better. It INVITES you to something better. It’s like a river you cross with no return. Jesus is saying, here is an invitation to the journey and this (the beatitudes) may be what the path looks like.

Words are sacred vessels. If we take care of them what might they hold?

It is difficult to stay open in the middle of the pain to stay open to receive the blessing.

Excruciating—the words mean cross of joy.

If we are going to be open, we need to be open to all of it.

Are we expecting God to meet us on our own terms, or on His terms?

We have to be expectant, but not have expectations.

Joy and persecution in the work of peace.

Isaiah 54 (another piece of the blessing)

Isaiah 54
The Future Glory of Zion

1 "Sing, O barren woman,

you who never bore a child;

burst into song, shout for joy,

you who were never in labor;

because more are the children of the desolate woman

than of her who has a husband," says the LORD.

2 "Enlarge the place of your tent,

stretch your tent curtains wide,

do not hold back;

lengthen your cords,

strengthen your stakes.

3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left;

your descendants will dispossess nations

and settle in their desolate cities.

4 "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.

Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.

You will forget the shame of your youth

and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

5 For your Maker is your husband—

the LORD Almighty is his name—

the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;

he is called the God of all the earth.

6 The LORD will call you back

as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—

a wife who married young,

only to be rejected," says your God.

7 "For a brief moment I abandoned you,

but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

8 In a surge of anger

I hid my face from you for a moment,

but with everlasting kindness

I will have compassion on you,"

says the LORD your Redeemer.

9 "To me this is like the days of Noah,

when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.

So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,

never to rebuke you again.

10 Though the mountains be shaken

and the hills be removed,

yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken

nor my covenant of peace be removed,"

says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

11 "O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,

I will build you with stones of turquoise,

your foundations with sapphires.

12 I will make your battlements of rubies,

your gates of sparkling jewels,

and all your walls of precious stones.

13 All your sons will be taught by the LORD,

and great will be your children's peace.

14 In righteousness you will be established:

Tyranny will be far from you;

you will have nothing to fear.

Terror will be far removed;

it will not come near you.

15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;

whoever attacks you will surrender to you.

16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith

who fans the coals into flame

and forges a weapon fit for its work.

And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;

17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,

and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.

This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,

and this is their vindication from me,"

declares the LORD.

The Swan (blessing continued)

Christiane, a French woman who was at our retreat, introduced to us the second poem posted below because it seemed to embody the idea of blessing--and all the overtones involved in being open to receiving it when it finally does come. So I came home and when I was looking for it stumbled upon another poem by Mary Oliver also by the same title. (She is quickly becoming a favorite of mine. I'm hoping my husband will get me her book "Winter Hours" for Christmas. Suttle, heh?) The two together seem to say so much about what God is teaching me. And SO beautifully at that. Then, I thought I remembered Rodger having taken some pictures of swans that were extraordinary. So I asked if I could borrow them. I must say I'm quite pleased with the combination, and I hope you are truly blessed by it.

The Swan

by Mary Oliver

Did you too see it, drifting, all night, on the black river?

Did you see it in the morning, rising into the silvery air -

An armful of white blossoms,

A perfect commotion of silk and linen as it leaned

into the bondage of its wings; a snowbank, a bank of lilies,

Biting the air with its black beak?

Did you hear it, fluting and whistling

A shrill dark music - like the rain pelting the trees - like a waterfall

Knifing down the black ledges?

And did you see it, finally, just under the clouds -

A white cross Streaming across the sky, its feet

Like black leaves, its wings Like the stretching light of the river?

And did you feel it, in your heart, how it pertained to everything?

And have you too finally figured out what beauty is for?

And have you changed your life?

The Swan

also by Mary Oliver

Across the wide waters

Something comes floating-a slim

and delicate ship filled with white flowers and it moves

on its miraculous muscles as though time didn’t exist

as though bringing such gifts to the dry shore was a happiness

almost beyond bearing.

And now it turns its dark eyes, it rearranges the clouds of its wings,

it trails an elaborate webbed foot, the color of charcoal.

Soon it will be here.

Oh what shall I do when the poppy-colored beak rests in my hand?

Said Ms. Blake of the Poet:

I miss my husband’s company—he is so often in paradise.

Of course! The path to heaven doesn’t lie down in flat miles.

Its in the imagination with which you perceive this world,

and the gestures with which you honor it.

Oh what will I do, what will I say, when those white wings touch the shore?

Photos by Rodger Pickett

Advent--Expanded Post

Do not be afraid.

Behold I bring you good news of great joy

that will be for all the people.

Luke 2:10

A season of new beginnings.

A season of expectancy.

A season of blessing.

What does it mean to be blessed?

I have been going over my notes from the retreat. I've been wanting to pull my thoughts into a writing of some sort. And I will do that. As I went through some of the group's insight I thought that I would share some of the raw data with you all so that you could kind of go through the process with me. Ken and Katherine were our retreat leaders. Just being under their leadership was in itself an amazing learning experience. They truly represented a beautiful model of spiritual reciprocity. Listening to God together, to each other in the Spirit, and leading the group together in that process. Strength and humilty. Confidence and deference. It was absolutely beautiful to witness. I wish you could have seen Ken's hand dance of reciprocity. Remind me to show you sometime. Anyways, I'm on a rabbit trail again.

Ken and Katherine began by asking the group (which was a fairly well-read group by the way) what they understood as the meaning of the word blessed. And I took notes. Here are my notes as I wrote my understanding and interpretations based on what the group had to offer.

Please feel free to add a comment that might be helpful to me as I write, or you can send me an e-mail. There just seems to be something really special in all of this I want to pull together. Now, if you want to read this in the spirit of the Quakers, after each response, take time to pause, let it sink in, and meditate with the Spirit on what it might mean and what God might be saying to you about it.

B

Blessed—what is the meaning of blessing?
(responses from group)

Not a gift that something has been added. But where something has been taken away, an impediment removed.

When you arrive at a point where something about you has been recognized. A change has taken place, a difference, so what you weren’t before you are now and you are therefore blessed.

A feeling of completeness, wholeness.

Totally open to receiving. Like a sun shining with a cloud in front of it, when the cloud moves we can receive the full blessing.

A gift from God. A deep KNOWING that is available to us.

New wineskin, which is a greater blessing than even the new wine. Or perhaps that the new wineskin which can hold many new blessings IS the greater blessing.

Blesse in French means wounded. Blessing has something to do with our woundedness, and the beauty of our healing in the reality of our woundedness. (I wonder does our ability to receive blessing become greater in our woundedness?)

Grace, healing, and gratefulness blended together.

Being anointed and declared good. That is the gift of grace. We can give and receive that grace as vessels of God’s love in the world.

When God imparts into my soul a deep peace, a great joy that transcends everything else.

A sense of being cherished and known and cherishing and knowing in response.

Emptied. Able to receive. Able to contain. Able to be filled.

Pendle Hill

For my Birthday this year, Jean gave me a wonderful gift. She and I went to a retreat at a Quaker community called Pendle Hill. There is so much I want to say about it. And I hope that soon I will find the words to express some of what we experienced. In the meantime, I wanted to post some pictures I took that are quite significant reminders of how God moved in and through us during our time there.

Spirit (wind, breath)


Reciprocity


Beauty in Rain


Morning Light


Trinity


Still Fall


This is the path, walk ye in it.


Christ.
He's always there, even in the midst of those unaware.

A Musing

Wrinkle in Time

Photo by Bgrace

My friend, I thought of you today

Wish you could know that I'm ok

Sometimes I wonder and begin to fear

You've turned to the skeptics

You've given them ear

Though they may try to rewrite the past

Tainting the light with the shadows they cast

I trust the Spirit of God in you

To show you what's good, what's right, what's true

I'll say just this before I go

I'm still almost the strongest person you know

(Though my scars have born more pain than they'll ever show)

I've seen so much I wish I could share

Depth and beauty

The rich and rare

Though our paths have parted ways

I find myself hoping it's just a phase

Trust this in me

No matter where your feet may go

Nothing could turn you from friend to foe

The Beattitudes

Jemma's Rose

photo by bgrace

1-2 When Jesus saw his ministry drawing huge crowds, he climbed a hillside. Those who were apprenticed to him, the committed, climbed with him. Arriving at a quiet place, he sat down and taught his climbing companions. This is what he said:
3"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
4"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
5"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
6"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.
7"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.
8"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
9"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.
10"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.
11-12"Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.
Salt and Light 13"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.
14-16"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

The Message

More to Come...

snow"fall"

there's beauty in the overlap

snow in fall

fall snow

snow falling

falling snow

there's beauty in the overlap, you know

Gorgeous

Gorgeous

photo by Bgrace

I should say many interesting things about this waterfall we visited at the gorge in Watkins Glen, NY. I should make many spiritual applications, because there are many connections to be drawn. But I have had delightful day, full of friends and laughter and beauty and warmth, and I'm wonderfully tired and can't wait to tuck my children in and crawl underneath the covers. And I have a few prayers that must be prayed for some dear friends. So maybe tomorrow or the next day I'll try to say something important and meaningful. But for tonight, I'll let the waterfall speak for itself.

B

Heaven's Colors

Matt on Lake (Cayuga)

Photo by bgrace

"Looking back you will see that every step was planned.

Leave all to Me...It is all so wonderful!

But the colors are of Heaven's hues,

so that your eyes could not bear to gaze on the whole,

until you are beyond the veil."
Daily Reading from God Calling for 11-11

A second look. For more info. see comments, response to Lauren.

Old Vine, New Wine

Wisteria and Cedar

At first glance, you might think this is a picture of a single tree overlooking the lake. Its more than that. The back trunk, closest to the water, is a cedar tree. The trunk in front is not actually a trunk. It's a grape vine, specifically a wisteria vine. It's thought to be the oldest vine in the Finger Lakes region. It blooms to 60 feet in height and produces a very sweet grape. An old vine that produces sweet wine. It speaks of our journey over the past few years. For a long time I have been very hesitant to write publicly about Matt's place in my journey. Partially because my relationship with Matt is sacred to me--a place set apart, a sanctuary, something that I didn't want to be tainted by all that swirled around me. Partially because much of what we have gone through was not ripe--it's difficult to write about something you don't understand, you can only write "in part" about the emotions and lessons you experience as you walk through the "not understanding." And in part I chose not to write because much of what we have journeyed has been very personal, very painful, and rightfully private. So I'm writing about this now because it's time to speak. I read an interview with Meg Ryan, and what I found most interesting in what she said is why she held her silence for so long. And she held her arms up crossed in front of her face as if to shield herself and said, "I did this." But she also acknowledged that by not speaking she allowed herself to take a lot of criticism that wasn't fair or wasn't based on the truth. Well, I didn't wait ten years. And I'm not "trying to rewrite my history" as Quaid accused her regarding the interview. But I am ready to say this much. Because I want to remember this season in my relationship with Matt. Because I wouldn't trade where we are at for all that we've been through. Because I've learned some things that were such important lessons. Because I've made some difficult choices along the way that I don't regret. And because we've grown in ways that aren't possible through time alone.

Probably the hardest decision I had to keep making throughout my journey was to believe God, as difficult as that seemed to me--regardless of how much fallout I had to go through along the way--in my personal life, my professional life, and in my relationships with those I loved. Especially Matt. Now, I didn't say understand God. There are many things I still don't understand. But I was and am responsible to follow God to the best of my understanding, always with a humility that would allow Him to change my understanding of things along the way. I cannot tell you how painful that learning process is...mostly because it is about letting go of the one thing we cling to most--control. So much is wrapped up in that: managing the present, security for the future, choosing to follow based on our understanding regardless of what the outcome of our obedience will be. It's excruciating to experience the loss of things directly because we have given up control, especially when we give up all guarantees of the outcome. But the result is an enormous blessing in disguise. It is freedom. A detachment of all that is not God and a freedom from enslavement to all that would come to us for our own sakes. The blessing is that we come to a place in our souls of enjoyment of God Himself, and God's blessing upon us for His sake.

Lest you credit me too much, I'm still in the process of seeing this bloom in my life and in my relationship with Matt. But what is important is that we are on the journey together. God has blessed us with new wine from a 14+year old vine. But that is not all.

"Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved." Matt 9:17

One of the most difficult periods we went through in our journey was at the hands of those who wanted to "help" us. Truly I believe their intentions were for good, but instead great harm was caused. They thought the best thing for us would be to help us into an "understanding" of what was going on, and to force us into having to deal with all the enormity of that confusion together...one which neither of us was ready or capable of understanding at the time. And unfortunately, they were going ahead of the Spirit of God in us as individuals and in our relationship. You see God was doing something so new and different that our old wineskins couldn't hold it. The old needed to go: The love of each other for selfish reasons. The need to control each other and each other's relationship with God. The habits of using each other to try and meet the wants and needs and holes in our hearts. Though we didn't understand it, God was doing deep, deep things that take time. Interestingly, God is never in as much of a hurry to "get us out of harm's way" as everyone else is. God is never afraid to allow the deep lessons that take time to ripen in our lives and our relationships. Through all the pressing down and squeezing, Matt and I held on to God throughout our struggles, and in that one choice alone, were given the ability to hold on to each other over the long haul. The deep sweet work that God was doing in us needed a new place to dwell. New wineskins needed to be formed before we were able to partake with each other of the new wine that God was making within us.

So many things we have learned...but more than anything we never would have gotten to the point we are at without grace. Sometimes God asks us to extend grace to each other for going through what we don't understand. Perhaps it's something we aren't given the capacity to understand for ourselves, much less for another.

A couple of months ago, Matt and I talked in depth about what it was like for him to go through having extreme anxiety issues through most of his formative years. He could barely understand what was going on himself, much less help those around him to understand. He didn't know how to fix it. And much of the time he had to deal with other people's shallow "advice" on how to handle something they had no concept of. It gave us a deep point of connection. Matt could understand much about how I felt, even though he couldn't understand what I was going through. And I was able to feel a deep empathy for his struggle that I never had before.

Sometimes God asks us to extend grace to each other for not understanding what we go through...for not even having the capacity or desire to understand. There was a significant moment in my journey where I realized I this. I was sitting in Ted's living room, and was feeling an enormous pressure to explain to Matt all that I have been through, all of my experiences and thoughts and feelings...like somehow I needed a release of liability before we could move forward. Yet I realized that no matter how much I wanted to explain, and in fact, the more that I might try, the farther he would actually come to an understanding of the truth. And Ted looked at me and said, "Then why would you do that?" I had to admit that I had expectations of Matt I wasn't willing to let go of. That I was caving to my perceptions of everyone else's expectations of Matt and I through the process. That I felt like I needed to explain myself to Matt so that no one else's interpretation could ever threaten us. Even though--get this--Matt had none of those expectations. He didn't feel the need to understand it all. And I realized that because I had walked my journey to the best of my understanding in obedience to God, that we could weather those accusations if and when they should arise.

In the end, Matt and I had to choose to allow each other our own journey, our own experiences and our own choices. The most important choice being to follow God...and love each other. It's a wonderful thing after 14 years to realize that you are together not only because at some point a long time ago you made a promise you can't break, but because you still choose to be...more than that, you still want to be. Matt decided he wanted me--no matter what understanding I have of my experiences. His willingness to allow me the freedom to come to an understanding of my journey in a time and in a way that I believe is most honoring to God and His work in my life was the deepest expression of true love I have ever experienced. Matt didn't need to earn my love and respect...but he did. In every way he stepped up and into the man I desired him to be--and that God was asking him to become. He kept his vows to me and loved me in the most deeply meaningful way I can think of--he lived out his promises to me and gave me a true sanctuary--safety in grace.

We must be willing to give God "permission" (in other words we must yield) to take one another through those things, to allow God to speak to us as individuals, and accept that our role is not necessarily to have understanding, but to have love, and an ability to listen to one another and to God--over time. That ability is something God must grow in us.

We must be willing to be patient with each other. We must gain each other's trust by becoming a safe place for sharing to happen. And there is no shortcut--the path is learning to listen to God as we listen to each other, and trusting Him to speak in His time and in His way. As that safe place is solidified, we earn the trust of the other who can risk sharing more and more. The common thread is a humility which says, "I don't, I can't, and I may never understand what you are going through--but I love you and I am committed to you." A humility which says, "I can't help you understand what I'm going through, but I can imagine how frustrating it is not to understand. It is enough, more than enough that you love me and accept me without understanding. We don't have to agree on everything, but we can stand listening to God together and wait upon Him for enlightenment within the context of His grace toward us and our grace toward each other. In our lack of understanding, in our humility, in our grace, and in our love for one another we are one."

This is a new wineskin that will not burst under pressure. It is a safe sanctuary for the wonderful sweet fruit from the vine. Matt and I have a new way of yielding our lives to God for His purposes; and yielding each other, and our relationship unto the God who must come first--this is our new wineskin. Not that we understand it all at this point, but we are willing not to. We are willing to be patient and obedient in the meantime. Meanwhile, we are enjoying the blessing of each other and our family with a richness and sweetness that only comes after the wine press.

Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord. Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:5-8

Photo: Grace holding grapes...before the winepress.

NY Day 1

Squeeze me a little...

and make me wine!

fall vineyard

Matt Hilfiger


Kiss my pumpkin!


At Miles on the lake

Hey all--I know, I'm not getting the pics up fast.
Here's a few from day 1.
I have some great moments I'd like to share,
(and some I won't :-) but I haven't had time to put it all together!!!

14 Years

Established Nov. 5 1994

Good Company...

I'm fond of books. Unusually fond I think. When I moved to Brazil at the age of 9 I was a very unhappy and angry little girl. And so I escaped to books. In fourth grade I discovered Ann of Green Gables and Gordon MacDonald. Through my elementary and highschool years I would read incessantly. I would take books in class and hide them beneath my desk so my teachers wouldn't see that I wasn't paying attention. I would close my bedroom door and stuff a towel at the bottom so my parents wouldn't see the light was still on way past midnight on a school night. Often I would finish a book at 2 AM and start another one until 4. I never got carsick reading and would read for 12 hours straight in the car.
I always read (past tense) fiction. My junior high years were all about romance novels (clean ones back then...you know the kind where they finally kiss at the end.) In highschool I got snotty and decided I wanted to read important fiction so I started reading the classics. Loved Jane Austin. Loved Charles Dickens. And sometimes I would just read to read, and I wouldn't even know what I was reading but I loved the feeling of escape from the world that it gave me. Which is probably why I rarely ever read fiction any more. (Unless Ted tells me to. I'll read anything he tells me to read.) The rare fiction exceptions in the last few years that I would recomend would be The Poisonwood Bible and My Name is Asher Lev. These were quite profound and spoke to me and my experiences. I'm sure there's more good fiction out there, but unless its really well written, when it comes to fiction entertainment, I'd usually rather watch the movie.
At this stage in my journey I read to live, and so most of my reading is non-fiction. I like to read how-to books--mostly the ones I pick up now are on photography, cooking/recipes, and gardening--when I'm reading for fun. But the most powerful books are usually the ones that tell people's stories, or books that reflect what people have learned throughout their journeys. Even the best theology is written in life not just theory.
The picture shows you what I'm reading now. Not for the faint hearted for sure.
I'm just starting "Tortured for Christ" by Richard Wurmbrand. In the first chapter the pastor has an opportunity to speak to a communist congress and is supposed to say that they are "god ordained." All the other Christian leaders are caving to the pressure. And his wife says, "Richard, stand up and wash away this shame from the face of Christ! They are spitting in his face." He says to his wife, "If I do so, you lose your husband." She said, "I don't wish to have a coward as a husband." Not exactly the kind of stuff you get in the "Tender Moments for Couples" devotional, eh? But its really good stuff. I wish more marriages that I know of reflected a love for Christ that far exceeds their love for each other. Or perhaps it is better said that a couple's love for one another so stems from a love of Christ and a desire to be obedient to Christ that it compels them to encourage one another to sacrifice all for Christ even if it means the loss of one another.
Makes me think. What does it mean to love our spouses like that? What does it mean to love our children like that? (Now that's way over the top.) But in reading this book...I'm looking at a man who lived those questions. I wonder if we ever will? It reminds me of something I wrote on the book of Lamentations...I'll have to dig it up...look for it next week cause I've got wine, waterfalls, and windows (stained glass) on my mind this weekend.
I'll make sure I take lots of pictures.
Oh, and take this post as my encouragement to curl up by a soft light, under a snuggly blanket, with a warm mug of something and READ. It's why God gives us cold weather. (Yes, He told me so...ok, no He didn't, but He could have.)

Wrapped up in the moment...

With all the excitement and emotion, the laughter and the chaos of yesterday, my favorite moment of Emily's Birthday is all wrapped up in this picture.
It was taken about 4PM...after all her 20+ friends had gone and it was just family here.

She had been smiling for 10 hours, opened tons of presents and had been the center of attention at every turn. She was about to go out on the town with Aunt Jean and be royally spoiled.

But in this little half hour down in the basement with us, we got to celebrate in the quiet our love for Emily. Sarah got her spots on her (note the robe). Grace was so great about letting her little sister be in the limelight all day. And this present she's opening? It's a seven dollar Petshop playdough toy. The kind where you squeeze the playdough out their heads and it comes out like stringy hair. I LOVED that when I was a kid, so I thought it would be fun to share it with her. And the size of her smile made me glad I did. I was so pleased with her because she was so sweet and kind to everyone, and most of all--she was grateful--for the big things and the little things that happened throughout the day.

She called me twice while she was out with Aunt Jean to keep me posted on all the exciting things they were doing...like going to Friendly's and Build A Bear and Claire's and how she was going to get to drink in the bath with bubbles and candles (hope that was juice Jean, and yes, Emily was talking in run on sentences very fast.) But even in the midst of all that she paused and said, "Mom, thank you for everything you did to make my day special."

And especially in that moment, I was grateful that I did.

You're welcome Em&m.

Very welcome.

Happy 7th Birthday.

Unless

Floorline

photo by bgrace

What would it take to shake your faith?

Have you ever thought about it?

Where that invisible line lies on the floor of your soul that, once crossed, will leave you grasping for solid ground, rethinking everything you once believed, wondering who God is since He's not who you thought He was?

I can still believe unless...

I can't have faith in God anymore unless...

You do realize that you have that line, don't you?

Wonder where that line is? You probably don't know. In fact, I don't think any of us really know...but God does.

What if He chooses to increase our faith in Him by crossing it?

(Pun intended.)

I've seen it happen...

to my friend, when the church cast her out when she was honest about a lifelong struggle with homosexuality. Her Mom repeatedly called her on the phone to tell her to repent or she would go to hell. She wasn't allowed around her nieces in case they could be harmed by her, though she is one of the most gentle, loving people I know. Even though she prayed and prayed for God to take these feelings away and He didn't but allowed her to suffer at the hands of those who call themselves "His," those who would never have any idea what she has experienced. She reached her unless.

...to friends whose child died of cancer after suffering severely even though they prayed every day since he was born for good health. They reached their unless.

And I saw it happen when God clearly spoke to a friend and made her a promise and asked her to follow Him in something so hard that it almost cost her her sanity. And then He didn't come through...at least not in the way she thought. So she picked up the pieces and then He asked her a second time to be obedient and trust and it seemed He wouldn't come through again. And she reached her unless.

Sometimes God takes us past the line of our unless to humble us and to show us that we have that line.

Sometimes He takes us past that line to raise up the things we think about God against the truth of God and sift and expand our understanding of God. (Yes, God is faithful, but in what way? How? When? How does my understanding of God need to be expanded or rethought?)

Sometimes He stretches us out until we almost snap because He is strengthening us to stand through even greater duress.

And then there are the times when He takes us to the point where it seems everything and everyone has failed us, including God Himself, to show us that even in those times and through those times He is faithful and has been faithful all along...faithful enough to shake us hard enough to strengthen and purify our faith in Him.

When you have truly sold yourself (my all for Yours) to Christ in and through the deepest part of your soul, there is NOTHING more precious to you than your faith in Him. (Except Himself, but that can be of small comfort when you feel you can't trust Him.)

My friend is a great example of this...because when God came through at her threadbare state of faith and sent her a check for 45,000 dollars, she was so absolutely overjoyed that He was after all faithful, that writing that check over to the one she had pledged it to in faith was simply a glorious benefit that came along with the painful experience of her faith being stretched. Maybe to some the giving up of that kind of money would have been a great sacrifice. To her it was nothing, NOTHING compared with the fulfilling of God's promise to provide if she would be obedient. 45,000 was given to the kingdom, but a more steadfast faith was the far greater treasure given to my friend.

Are we willing to be taken past our unless?

How far?

Here is an excerpt I read today from A.W. Tozer that is very challenging regarding our faith. It is a bit lengthy, but well worth the time.

Faith is a Perturbing Thing

The faith of Paul and Luther was a revolutionizing thing. It upset the whole life of the individual and made him into another person altogether. It laid hold on the life and brought it under obedience to Christ. It took up its cross and followed along after Jesus with no intention of going back. It said goodbye to its old friends as surely as Elijah when he stepped into the fiery chariot and went away in the whirlwind. It had a finality about it. It snapped shut on a man's heart like a trap; it captured the man and made him from that moment forward a happy loveservant of his Lord. It turned earth into a desert and drew heaven within sight of the believing soul. It realigned all life's actions and brought them into accord with the will of God. It set its possessor on a pinnacle of truth from which spiritual vantage point he viewed everything that came into his field of experience. It made him little and God big and Christ unspeakable dear. All this and more happened to a man when he received the faith that justifies.

Came the revolution, quietly, certainly, and put another construction upon the word "faith." Little by little the whole meaning of the word shifted from what it had been to what it is not. And so insidious was the change that hardly a voice has been raised to warn against it. But the tragic consequences are all around us.

Faith now means no more than passive moral acquiescence in the Word of God and the cross of Jesus. To exercise it we have only to rest our one knee and nod our heads in agreement with the instructions of a personal worker intent upon saving our soul. The general effect is much the same as that which men feel after a visit to a good and wise doctor. They come back from such a visit feeling extra good withal smiling just a little sheepishly to think how many fears they had entertained about their health when actually there was nothing wrong with them. The just needed a rest.

Such a faith as this does not perturb people. It comforts them. It does not put their hip out of joint so that they halt upon their thigh; rather it teaches them deep breathing exercises and improves their posture. The face of their ego is washed and their self-confidence is rescued from discouragement. All this they gain, but they do not get a new name as Jacob did, nor do they limp into the eternal sunlight. "As he passed over Penuel the sun rose upon him." That was Jacob--rather, that was Israel, for the sun did not shine much upon Jacob. It was ashamed to. But it loved to rest upon the head of the man whom God had transformed...The faith of Christ will command or it will have nothing to do with a man. It will not yield to experimentation. Its power cannot reach any man who is secretly keeping an escape route open in case things get too tough for him. The only man who can be sure he has true Bible faith is the one who has put himself in a position where he cannot go back. His faith has resulted in an everlasting and irrevocable committal, and however strongly he may be tempted he always replies, "Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life."

(From The Root of the Righteous, by A.W. Tozer)

I'm so grateful for the lives of my friends who have wrestled through the times God has taken them through their unless. I am challenged by their perseverance and their tenacity. It renews my strength to endure and persevere when I see them grasp on to God in the midst of great temptation to let go their hold. And it renews my faith when I see him show up in big ways--or even small ways--simply because I see that He keeps His word.

I've reached my unless so many times over the past few years I have lost count. But each time the Lord has renewed and strengthened my faith in HIM. With each renewal I have had to go through a violent refining. My faith cannot rest, even for a breath, in myself, or my own understanding or abilities. I have understood too little and weakened too often. It can only rest on Him. For this I am grateful...and expectant.

"The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it."

I Thess. 5:24