14 Years

Established Nov. 5 1994

Good Company...

I'm fond of books. Unusually fond I think. When I moved to Brazil at the age of 9 I was a very unhappy and angry little girl. And so I escaped to books. In fourth grade I discovered Ann of Green Gables and Gordon MacDonald. Through my elementary and highschool years I would read incessantly. I would take books in class and hide them beneath my desk so my teachers wouldn't see that I wasn't paying attention. I would close my bedroom door and stuff a towel at the bottom so my parents wouldn't see the light was still on way past midnight on a school night. Often I would finish a book at 2 AM and start another one until 4. I never got carsick reading and would read for 12 hours straight in the car.
I always read (past tense) fiction. My junior high years were all about romance novels (clean ones back then...you know the kind where they finally kiss at the end.) In highschool I got snotty and decided I wanted to read important fiction so I started reading the classics. Loved Jane Austin. Loved Charles Dickens. And sometimes I would just read to read, and I wouldn't even know what I was reading but I loved the feeling of escape from the world that it gave me. Which is probably why I rarely ever read fiction any more. (Unless Ted tells me to. I'll read anything he tells me to read.) The rare fiction exceptions in the last few years that I would recomend would be The Poisonwood Bible and My Name is Asher Lev. These were quite profound and spoke to me and my experiences. I'm sure there's more good fiction out there, but unless its really well written, when it comes to fiction entertainment, I'd usually rather watch the movie.
At this stage in my journey I read to live, and so most of my reading is non-fiction. I like to read how-to books--mostly the ones I pick up now are on photography, cooking/recipes, and gardening--when I'm reading for fun. But the most powerful books are usually the ones that tell people's stories, or books that reflect what people have learned throughout their journeys. Even the best theology is written in life not just theory.
The picture shows you what I'm reading now. Not for the faint hearted for sure.
I'm just starting "Tortured for Christ" by Richard Wurmbrand. In the first chapter the pastor has an opportunity to speak to a communist congress and is supposed to say that they are "god ordained." All the other Christian leaders are caving to the pressure. And his wife says, "Richard, stand up and wash away this shame from the face of Christ! They are spitting in his face." He says to his wife, "If I do so, you lose your husband." She said, "I don't wish to have a coward as a husband." Not exactly the kind of stuff you get in the "Tender Moments for Couples" devotional, eh? But its really good stuff. I wish more marriages that I know of reflected a love for Christ that far exceeds their love for each other. Or perhaps it is better said that a couple's love for one another so stems from a love of Christ and a desire to be obedient to Christ that it compels them to encourage one another to sacrifice all for Christ even if it means the loss of one another.
Makes me think. What does it mean to love our spouses like that? What does it mean to love our children like that? (Now that's way over the top.) But in reading this book...I'm looking at a man who lived those questions. I wonder if we ever will? It reminds me of something I wrote on the book of Lamentations...I'll have to dig it up...look for it next week cause I've got wine, waterfalls, and windows (stained glass) on my mind this weekend.
I'll make sure I take lots of pictures.
Oh, and take this post as my encouragement to curl up by a soft light, under a snuggly blanket, with a warm mug of something and READ. It's why God gives us cold weather. (Yes, He told me so...ok, no He didn't, but He could have.)

Wrapped up in the moment...

With all the excitement and emotion, the laughter and the chaos of yesterday, my favorite moment of Emily's Birthday is all wrapped up in this picture.
It was taken about 4PM...after all her 20+ friends had gone and it was just family here.

She had been smiling for 10 hours, opened tons of presents and had been the center of attention at every turn. She was about to go out on the town with Aunt Jean and be royally spoiled.

But in this little half hour down in the basement with us, we got to celebrate in the quiet our love for Emily. Sarah got her spots on her (note the robe). Grace was so great about letting her little sister be in the limelight all day. And this present she's opening? It's a seven dollar Petshop playdough toy. The kind where you squeeze the playdough out their heads and it comes out like stringy hair. I LOVED that when I was a kid, so I thought it would be fun to share it with her. And the size of her smile made me glad I did. I was so pleased with her because she was so sweet and kind to everyone, and most of all--she was grateful--for the big things and the little things that happened throughout the day.

She called me twice while she was out with Aunt Jean to keep me posted on all the exciting things they were doing...like going to Friendly's and Build A Bear and Claire's and how she was going to get to drink in the bath with bubbles and candles (hope that was juice Jean, and yes, Emily was talking in run on sentences very fast.) But even in the midst of all that she paused and said, "Mom, thank you for everything you did to make my day special."

And especially in that moment, I was grateful that I did.

You're welcome Em&m.

Very welcome.

Happy 7th Birthday.

Unless

Floorline

photo by bgrace

What would it take to shake your faith?

Have you ever thought about it?

Where that invisible line lies on the floor of your soul that, once crossed, will leave you grasping for solid ground, rethinking everything you once believed, wondering who God is since He's not who you thought He was?

I can still believe unless...

I can't have faith in God anymore unless...

You do realize that you have that line, don't you?

Wonder where that line is? You probably don't know. In fact, I don't think any of us really know...but God does.

What if He chooses to increase our faith in Him by crossing it?

(Pun intended.)

I've seen it happen...

to my friend, when the church cast her out when she was honest about a lifelong struggle with homosexuality. Her Mom repeatedly called her on the phone to tell her to repent or she would go to hell. She wasn't allowed around her nieces in case they could be harmed by her, though she is one of the most gentle, loving people I know. Even though she prayed and prayed for God to take these feelings away and He didn't but allowed her to suffer at the hands of those who call themselves "His," those who would never have any idea what she has experienced. She reached her unless.

...to friends whose child died of cancer after suffering severely even though they prayed every day since he was born for good health. They reached their unless.

And I saw it happen when God clearly spoke to a friend and made her a promise and asked her to follow Him in something so hard that it almost cost her her sanity. And then He didn't come through...at least not in the way she thought. So she picked up the pieces and then He asked her a second time to be obedient and trust and it seemed He wouldn't come through again. And she reached her unless.

Sometimes God takes us past the line of our unless to humble us and to show us that we have that line.

Sometimes He takes us past that line to raise up the things we think about God against the truth of God and sift and expand our understanding of God. (Yes, God is faithful, but in what way? How? When? How does my understanding of God need to be expanded or rethought?)

Sometimes He stretches us out until we almost snap because He is strengthening us to stand through even greater duress.

And then there are the times when He takes us to the point where it seems everything and everyone has failed us, including God Himself, to show us that even in those times and through those times He is faithful and has been faithful all along...faithful enough to shake us hard enough to strengthen and purify our faith in Him.

When you have truly sold yourself (my all for Yours) to Christ in and through the deepest part of your soul, there is NOTHING more precious to you than your faith in Him. (Except Himself, but that can be of small comfort when you feel you can't trust Him.)

My friend is a great example of this...because when God came through at her threadbare state of faith and sent her a check for 45,000 dollars, she was so absolutely overjoyed that He was after all faithful, that writing that check over to the one she had pledged it to in faith was simply a glorious benefit that came along with the painful experience of her faith being stretched. Maybe to some the giving up of that kind of money would have been a great sacrifice. To her it was nothing, NOTHING compared with the fulfilling of God's promise to provide if she would be obedient. 45,000 was given to the kingdom, but a more steadfast faith was the far greater treasure given to my friend.

Are we willing to be taken past our unless?

How far?

Here is an excerpt I read today from A.W. Tozer that is very challenging regarding our faith. It is a bit lengthy, but well worth the time.

Faith is a Perturbing Thing

The faith of Paul and Luther was a revolutionizing thing. It upset the whole life of the individual and made him into another person altogether. It laid hold on the life and brought it under obedience to Christ. It took up its cross and followed along after Jesus with no intention of going back. It said goodbye to its old friends as surely as Elijah when he stepped into the fiery chariot and went away in the whirlwind. It had a finality about it. It snapped shut on a man's heart like a trap; it captured the man and made him from that moment forward a happy loveservant of his Lord. It turned earth into a desert and drew heaven within sight of the believing soul. It realigned all life's actions and brought them into accord with the will of God. It set its possessor on a pinnacle of truth from which spiritual vantage point he viewed everything that came into his field of experience. It made him little and God big and Christ unspeakable dear. All this and more happened to a man when he received the faith that justifies.

Came the revolution, quietly, certainly, and put another construction upon the word "faith." Little by little the whole meaning of the word shifted from what it had been to what it is not. And so insidious was the change that hardly a voice has been raised to warn against it. But the tragic consequences are all around us.

Faith now means no more than passive moral acquiescence in the Word of God and the cross of Jesus. To exercise it we have only to rest our one knee and nod our heads in agreement with the instructions of a personal worker intent upon saving our soul. The general effect is much the same as that which men feel after a visit to a good and wise doctor. They come back from such a visit feeling extra good withal smiling just a little sheepishly to think how many fears they had entertained about their health when actually there was nothing wrong with them. The just needed a rest.

Such a faith as this does not perturb people. It comforts them. It does not put their hip out of joint so that they halt upon their thigh; rather it teaches them deep breathing exercises and improves their posture. The face of their ego is washed and their self-confidence is rescued from discouragement. All this they gain, but they do not get a new name as Jacob did, nor do they limp into the eternal sunlight. "As he passed over Penuel the sun rose upon him." That was Jacob--rather, that was Israel, for the sun did not shine much upon Jacob. It was ashamed to. But it loved to rest upon the head of the man whom God had transformed...The faith of Christ will command or it will have nothing to do with a man. It will not yield to experimentation. Its power cannot reach any man who is secretly keeping an escape route open in case things get too tough for him. The only man who can be sure he has true Bible faith is the one who has put himself in a position where he cannot go back. His faith has resulted in an everlasting and irrevocable committal, and however strongly he may be tempted he always replies, "Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life."

(From The Root of the Righteous, by A.W. Tozer)

I'm so grateful for the lives of my friends who have wrestled through the times God has taken them through their unless. I am challenged by their perseverance and their tenacity. It renews my strength to endure and persevere when I see them grasp on to God in the midst of great temptation to let go their hold. And it renews my faith when I see him show up in big ways--or even small ways--simply because I see that He keeps His word.

I've reached my unless so many times over the past few years I have lost count. But each time the Lord has renewed and strengthened my faith in HIM. With each renewal I have had to go through a violent refining. My faith cannot rest, even for a breath, in myself, or my own understanding or abilities. I have understood too little and weakened too often. It can only rest on Him. For this I am grateful...and expectant.

"The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it."

I Thess. 5:24

By violence intending

My Tree

Photo by bgrace

"You must have often wondered why the enemy (God) does not make more use of his power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree he chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the irresistible and the indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of his scheme forbids him to use. Merely to over-ride a human will (as his felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For his ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve...Sooner or later he withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs--to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish...He cannot "tempt" to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away his hand...Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

Uncle Screwtape

C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

(As found in the preface to The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard)

"To the soul, God is the kingdom of heaven; hence, when she withdraws from all things and adheres only to God, she attains God by violence. For God cannot withhold Himself; He must give Himself to her, since it is His nature to communicate Himself to the soul that is ready to receive Him. Now all things are equal to a free soul—pain or pleasure, slander or praise, poverty or wealth, weal or woe, friend or foe. A free soul never permits herself to be drawn away by anything that might keep her apart from God or mediate between herself and God, as St. Paul says: “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?” All things then tend to aid her towards God; she presses on through all obstacles towards her origin."

The Book of the Poor in Spirit, by A Friend of God

I'm writing again.

Whenever I write about the fact that I'm writing, its a good sign that so many things are coming together in my mind that I'm overwhelmed by all my experiences, my thoughts and the thoughts of others that I'm reading. I'm trying to understand God, myself, and others in light of it all. And its coming together in a way that I can feel it before I clearly see it. I can't quite capture it all or put it into words but here are some of the pieces:

I'm writing about what it means to be poor in spirit.

I'm writing about the violence our souls must go through in order to become so attached to God that we become detached from everything else.

I'm writing about what it looks like to stop loving others for all reasons that have to do with ourselves, and to allow Him to birth in us a love of others for the sake of God.

I'm writing about what it looks like to stop loving God for all reasons that have to do with ourselves, and to allow Him to birth in us a love of God for the sake of God.

I'm writing about a yieldedness that is the path to freedom.

I'm writing about the beauty of the heavenly kingdom and the blessedness of those who live in it.

And I'm writing about the hope that one day, it will be fully mine.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Matthew 11:12

Lightened

"Lightened"
Photo by Matt

"I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed." Psalm 34:4,5