JEM

It's all summed up in this one idea.
I don't think anybody but me has ever had a friend like you. 
Not even David. 
Your friendship is one of the eternal treasures that for some reason, I got to experience on this earth.
Thank you.
Happy Birthday. 

Reflection

Photo by Bgrace

I love this photo.  I love this flight of stairs.  I love the man sitting on them.

I love the full length window that bathes the wood in warmth and light. You can't see them from a distance, but there are fleur de lis  in the iron railings.  I like the black door.  It has an authority to it.  Like you might need permission to enter into the comings and goings of the inner staircase.

Feels a lot like me.  

A Look Back

Photo by Jean

I remembered some things today as I looked back at my Atlantic City pictures, and I am moved to write about them, though they may not make much sense or feel like good news.  It may provide a framework for understanding some things, or it may cause more dissonance.  We see through cloudy glass. 

I was looking at the photos of me watching the sea with all the seagulls around me.  I remember feeling that they were significant at the time but I wasn't sure why, though seagulls have reminded me of angels for some time. Maybe angels are a means of connection.  I'm not sure...but I believe they are with me often.

I'm working on a book.  Well, sometimes I am--I try to write at least something every day.  Sometimes I don't know if it will ever be a book or not.  But those are days of low faith.  I half-seriously joke that I will call it "The Reluctant Prophetess."  Of course that might limit its readership.  But it is how I would describe how I often feel about myself, perhaps even more acutely during that time.

When I was walking along the beach that March, I found a huge, beautiful conch shell.  I sat down on the nearby rocks.  I knew the Lord was going to speak and I was sort of waiting in the way that you wait to hear something that will be hard to listen to.

So basically I said, "OK, Lord, what do you want to tell me."

The first thing He said clearly and simply was this, "You will always be connected." 

It came with all the weight of finality.

Before my questions and objections could arise, He quieted my spirit with a sense that I shouldn't ask more than He wanted to reveal.  And with that came a sense of peace.   

After a while He drew my attention to the shell in my hand.  I held it up to my ear.  I could hear the sea in it.  And He said, "But you will be able to put the shell down or pick it up and listen."

And then He said, "I am going to bless you."  And it was like it echoed over and over again in my ear..."Bless you, bless you, bless you, bless you."

And then He said, "Seven years."

The Lord then gave me understanding--there were decisions made even after clarity was given.  He gave me a reason why.  That explanation was more painful than anything else ever could have been.  I knew then that my wound had been chosen. But at least I knew that God had not planned this, though I believe that He did know I would walk it.  That has been hard to understand...but the Lord has granted me acceptance. 

The Lord gave me many other words over those two days, some of which I have seen come to pass since then.  I still don't think I've fully wrapped my mind around all of it. 

What I have been wrestling with over the past few months is my choice to pick up the shell or put it down. Putting down the shell feels safer.  But it doesn't feel like who I am.  It's not who I want to be.  It doesn't feel like love. Even though picking it up can get so messy. The other day, I picked it up (I keep it over at Jean's) and sand fell out of it into my ear and all over the place.  (Sorry, Jean.)  And having sand in your ear is hard to get used to.

I want to listen, to know and be known, and I want to be under the covering of the wings of the Holy Father and protected from any impurity and anything outside of the will of God.  And I think it is important to enjoy all the blessings God bestows upon us in this life, and cherish our loved ones.  But sometimes I don't know how all of those things can come together in unity.  I'd like to try to walk it.  I'd like to wait and listen and open myself to the nearness.

Today, when I remembered that He told me about always being connected, I was reminded that it was not my doing.  That has greatly settled my spirit from a false sense of responsibility.

My greatest fear is living outside the will of God while believing that I am in it.  My next greatest fear is not fully entering into all that God may offer me in this life because somehow I missed it or was afraid of it or because I made a wrong choice.  And the tension between those fears can only be settled by a God who promises to be my Shepherd.

Hold on 'Til Dawn

Photo by Bgrace

Last night I went through a battle with oppression.  It is certainly not the first time, and probably not the last.  The intensity with which it came was pretty strong,  but I didn't completely lose my bearings.  I felt like I knew how to fight. 
Sometimes when people talk about how Satan oppresses, they use a lot of generalities and categories. The thing is that when you are being oppressed Satan doesn't exactly carry a neon sign that says, "I am oppressing you, take notice." In fact, he's really good at making it feel like it's coming from YOU.
I know oppression doesn't always look the same.  The battles and tactics are different because our enemy is smart enough to point his weapons at our weaknesses.  But there are some key elements the enemy employs that I think usually help us to recognize oppression, and there are a few weapons we have that help us survive the onslaught. 
One of the things that Satan loves to do is move at me when God is taking me through a period of refinement or purification.  It's usually a point at which God is showing me areas in my life that are not what they should be.  My heart is at a vulnerable place before God, and I am very open to God showing me the impurities in my heart, and asking Him to direct me.  It's a very important time, and one Satan doesn't want me to see clearly in. 
So he loves to create confusion.  He'll kick up a dust storm around us or cause the bats to swarm.  There are a few things that this accomplishes for him.  First, we lose a sense of direction.  If the source of light is the way we find North, than if he can cut off our visibility, we don't know how to find our bearings.  If we truly can't figure out which way truth is, it's more likely we will follow the direction he wants us to take. Usually that direction is not left or right, it is lost.  Satan makes us feel like everything we've ever believed about our decisions and God's direction is a lie.  He undermines us by pouring doubt into our minds.
The second thing this does is it makes us feel isolated and separated.  If we can't find our way through the dust or the bats, we come to the place where we can't feel God's presence and we can begin to think that we are so far gone no one can help us.  Because we feel isolated and we don't have our bearings, we feel a loss of control and it makes us feel afraid.  Fear can lead to panic.  It is very scary to be under a high level of oppression.   It's a place you want to get out of as quickly as you can.  We ask questions like, what did I do to get to this place?  How have I sinned? 
And you would think that those would be the right questions to ask during that time. But we need to be careful to identify who is answering our questions. 
When we are asking is precisely when we are most vulnerable for the accuser to move in.  What he bombards us with may sound like conviction or feel like clarity because it is another way of looking at things, but it is always a lie, a twist, a perversion of the truth.  And his tactics are doubt, guilt/shame, and fear.  He weakens us with those until he knows he can bring in the big guns of hopelessness and failure.
I used to think that that the best way to deal with those attacks was to fight back with truth about myself. So I would have these battles where I would deal with the attacks by rationalizing (giving reasons), or explaining (why I did or did not), or justifying (why it was right or wrong), or defending myself--my heart, my motives, my actions.  But if Satan can get us caught in that web he'll wrap us up before we know it.  Because the truth is the accuser is well aware of our imperfections.  And he's very good at pointing them out.  So in trying to save ourselves we play right into his hands (or web) and eventually he eats us for lunch. 
Instead, I've learned that I need to tell myself the truth about God.  Especially the truths Satan is trying to undermine in that moment: 
First, NOTHING can separate me from the love of God.  (Say it as many times as you need to until your spirit knows it is true.)
Second, a few years ago I read in The Book of the Poor in Spirit this truth that has helped me countless times.  The only place that we are truly safe from Satan is the ground floor of humility.  Satan always comes at us through our pride.  So when we recognize that we are truly nothing but for grace, we are standing on nothing but grace, our accuser has no ground left to attack us on. 
Third, when the attacks come in full force, sometimes there is nothing we can do but run for shelter.  We need sanctuary.  Satan is really good at making us feel like if we don't figure it all out immediately we are going to lose it.  Instead, I've learned to say, "I am under attack right now and I can't trust that I am seeing clearly.  Lord I know that your love is long suffering, that You are patient with me.  I don't have to figure this all out tonight.  Protect me until the onslaught passes."  And usually the worst of the battle seems to come for me at the end of the day, when I'm tired.  I've learned that if I can hold on 'til dawn, I can see more clearly. 
So what does that look like?
This is what it looked like for me yesterday:  I had been seeking the Lord for clarity and affirmation, and so I asked Jean to help me with Sarah for the afternoon.  I spent three hours before the Lord bearing my soul to Him.  I knew that I had been heard, but I didn't have a response.  In the quiet, fear began to creep in.  Condemnation.  Then doubt.  I began to look at all the decisions I had made in the past few weeks and every possible direction I could have taken felt just as wrong as any other.  Every path a wrong turn.  Confusion. It must all be because of the impurity of my heart. Guilt.  I need to confess.  But I'm not sure what to confess.  I'm trying to find the threads of truth so I can reorient my world in the right direction but I don't know what is true.  I can't hear God. Voices coming at me telling me I should have done this and that.  But none of it fits.  It feels like it must be all up to me to get back to God's presence.  But I don't know where to go. Separation.  Oh, I'm really lost now.  And look at all the people I'm taking with me to hell.  It's all my fault.  Failure.  And because I can't possibly figure out which way is truth, and which way is God, it's hopeless.
Do you see the progression? 
The thing is that I've been through this attack enough times to know that even though it seems to be coming from me, I know that it is coming upon me. I can choose to receive the lies or not.  But how do I know the difference between conviction (from God) and oppression (from Satan)?
Conviction doesn't make us feel lost.  Conviction, though often painful, leads us toward truth and light--toward feeling found.  It brings life and hope in the midst of painful recognition.  It's a subtle difference, but an important one. 
Give yourself time and space to sort through the difference.  But Satan isn't always polite as far as timing is concerned.  He interrupts us in our busyness.  So in the midst of getting the girls dinner and dressed for bed and teeth brushed etc. I couldn't ignore the battle.
Though I am aware of all the lies swarming my spirit, I speak truth--to myself and to the spirits of darkness. I said to myself repeatedly, "Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ"--reminding myself of the truth of this scripture.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:35-39 (NIV)
After the girls went to sleep, I walked myself through a few things that I do even if they don't seem to help at first.
I went to my place of prayer. 
I lit a candle.  (I do this as a visual representation of the Spirit of God.  This way I remind myself that He is present even if I can't sense Him.) 
Then I had communion.  Apple Cider and a cracker.  It's the closest thing I had.  I remind myself and Satan that I am saved by the sacrifice of Christ.  I whispered over and over out loud, "Jesus is my Savior, Jesus is my Savior." (I needed to be rescued.)

Sometimes this will break the oppression.  But it didn't.  So I listen for what is next.  Many times the Lord will direct us if we listen. If the idea that comes to us brings life and is in line with Scripture I go with it.  My sense was that this battle was bigger than just me. With the realization I needed help I prayed for the angels to come. Warrior angels to fight, so I prayed for Michael's angels. I needed clarity from God, direction, God's truth to speak louder than the lies so I prayed for Gabriel's angels. Messenger angels. I also sensed the Lord asking me to call my friends to prayer.  I named the people He brought to my mind and asked Him to guide them into prayer for me.  I didn't know if He would or if they would answer the call, but I knew it was a good prayer to pray.  

I was praying in front of The Butterfly Lady, and earlier I had read about cities of refuge, places God commanded the people to build for situations where people needed protection, like when they murdered someone by accident.  There they could find sanctuary from their accusers.  I recalled Psalm 27 and felt like I needed sanctuary.  There are times when I feel like I am supposed to fight the battle head on.  There are other times when I realize it is too big for me and I must seek protection and wait until help comes.  I asked for sanctuary.  It's the place where our spirit connects with God's Spirit directly and nothing else can touch it--Spirit unto spirit communion.

I began to feel drowsy and knew that sleep was coming.  But I know it is possible for Satan to oppress through dreams and so I wasn't sure if I should try to stay awake or not.  I sensed I should go upstairs to bed.  Matt had fallen asleep putting Sarah to bed, so I woke him enough to get him to our room.  I laid down next to him and waited.  I sort of felt like it was open season on my head.  I was astonished with all that was coming at my mind, and glad that I was distanced enough  from it not to receive it all, but I remember feeling like I had no skull over the top of my mind and was completely open to attack.  I laughingly thought, "I need a helmet!"  

And then it hit me, OH...I need a covering.  So with that thought came a million others which I will not take time to share, but I really had to listen then for what was next.  I asked if I should wake Matt and ask him to put his hands on my head and pray over me.  I was hesitant because I knew he was exhausted and had to leave for Pittsburgh at 4:30AM.  But I wasn't unwilling if the Lord directed.  Then the Lord brought to my mind a word He had spoken to me very clearly the March I went to Atlantic city.  He said, "I will be your covering." (Read soul stopping pause here.)

So I asked the Lord to cover my head and I literally felt like a blanket was put on top of my head and immediately all the voices were quiet.  It was like I had spiritual and mental earplugs.  

Then I closed my eyes and slept.

I woke at 3:00AM and realized the onslaught had passed.  I asked if I was supposed to get up and pray and start working on that clarity from before, but I didn't sense God was in a hurry.  

So I gave myself up back to sleep.  I woke with the sun shining through my window.  I knew I had made it through the night.  The wounds from the battle are still a little sore, but my mind is no longer under a barrage of accusations and I no longer feel the lies pressing in.  And I'm OK.

...It's time to play with Sarah.