Wisteria and Cedar At first glance, you might think this is a picture of a single tree overlooking the lake. Its more than that. The back trunk, closest to the water, is a cedar tree. The trunk in front is not actually a trunk. It's a grape vine, specifically a wisteria vine. It's thought to be the oldest vine in the Finger Lakes region. It blooms to 60 feet in height and produces a very sweet grape. An old vine that produces sweet wine. It speaks of our journey over the past few years. For a long time I have been very hesitant to write publicly about Matt's place in my journey. Partially because my relationship with Matt is sacred to me--a place set apart, a sanctuary, something that I didn't want to be tainted by all that swirled around me. Partially because much of what we have gone through was not ripe--it's difficult to write about something you don't understand, you can only write "in part" about the emotions and lessons you experience as you walk through the "not understanding." And in part I chose not to write because much of what we have journeyed has been very personal, very painful, and rightfully private. So I'm writing about this now because it's time to speak. I read an interview with Meg Ryan, and what I found most interesting in what she said is why she held her silence for so long. And she held her arms up crossed in front of her face as if to shield herself and said, "I did this." But she also acknowledged that by not speaking she allowed herself to take a lot of criticism that wasn't fair or wasn't based on the truth. Well, I didn't wait ten years. And I'm not "trying to rewrite my history" as Quaid accused her regarding the interview. But I am ready to say this much. Because I want to remember this season in my relationship with Matt. Because I wouldn't trade where we are at for all that we've been through. Because I've learned some things that were such important lessons. Because I've made some difficult choices along the way that I don't regret. And because we've grown in ways that aren't possible through time alone.
Probably the hardest decision I had to keep making throughout my journey was to believe God, as difficult as that seemed to me--regardless of how much fallout I had to go through along the way--in my personal life, my professional life, and in my relationships with those I loved. Especially Matt. Now, I didn't say
understand God. There are many things I still don't
understand. But I was and am responsible to follow God to the best of my understanding, always with a humility that would allow Him to change my understanding of things along the way. I cannot tell you how painful that learning process is...mostly because it is about letting go of the one thing we cling to most--control. So much is wrapped up in that: managing the present, security for the future, choosing to follow based on our understanding regardless of what the outcome of our obedience will be. It's excruciating to experience the loss of things directly because we have given up control, especially when we give up all guarantees of the outcome. But the result is an enormous blessing in disguise. It is
freedom. A detachment of all that is not God and a freedom from enslavement to all that would come to us for our own sakes. The blessing is that we come to a place in our souls of enjoyment of God Himself, and God's blessing upon us for His sake.
Lest you credit me too much, I'm still in the process of seeing this bloom in my life and in my relationship with Matt. But what is important is that we are on the journey together. God has blessed us with new wine from a 14+year old vine. But that is not all.
"Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved." Matt 9:17
One of the most difficult periods we went through in our journey was at the hands of those who wanted to "help" us. Truly I believe their intentions were for good, but instead great harm was caused. They thought the best thing for us would be to help us into an "understanding" of what was going on, and to force us into having to deal with all the enormity of that confusion together...one which neither of us was ready or capable of understanding at the time. And unfortunately, they were going ahead of the Spirit of God in us as individuals and in our relationship. You see God was doing something so new and different that our old wineskins couldn't hold it. The old needed to go: The love of each other for selfish reasons. The need to control each other and each other's relationship with God. The habits of using each other to try and meet the wants and needs and holes in our hearts. Though we didn't understand it, God was doing deep, deep things that take time. Interestingly, God is never in as much of a hurry to "get us out of harm's way" as everyone else is. God is never afraid to allow the deep lessons that take time to ripen in our lives and our relationships. Through all the pressing down and squeezing, Matt and I held on to God throughout our struggles, and in that one choice alone, were given the ability to hold on to each other over the long haul. The deep sweet work that God was doing in us needed a new place to dwell. New wineskins needed to be formed before we were able to partake with each other of the new wine that God was making within us.
So many things we have learned...but more than anything we never would have gotten to the point we are at without grace. Sometimes God asks us to extend grace to each other for going through what we don't understand. Perhaps it's something we aren't given the capacity to understand for ourselves, much less for another.
A couple of months ago, Matt and I talked in depth about what it was like for him to go through having extreme anxiety issues through most of his formative years. He could barely understand what was going on himself, much less help those around him to understand. He didn't know how to fix it. And much of the time he had to deal with other people's shallow "advice" on how to handle something they had no concept of. It gave us a deep point of connection. Matt could understand much about how I felt, even though he couldn't understand what I was going through. And I was able to feel a deep empathy for his struggle that I never had before.
Sometimes God asks us to extend grace to each other for not understanding what we go through...for not even having the capacity or desire to understand. There was a significant moment in my journey where I realized I this. I was sitting in Ted's living room, and was feeling an enormous pressure to explain to Matt all that I have been through, all of my experiences and thoughts and feelings...like somehow I needed a release of liability before we could move forward. Yet I realized that no matter how much I wanted to explain, and in fact, the more that I might try, the farther he would actually come to an understanding of the truth. And Ted looked at me and said, "Then why would you do that?" I had to admit that I had expectations of Matt I wasn't willing to let go of. That I was caving to my perceptions of everyone else's expectations of Matt and I through the process. That I felt like I needed to explain myself to Matt so that no one else's interpretation could ever threaten us. Even though--get this--Matt had none of those expectations. He didn't feel the need to understand it all. And I realized that because I had walked my journey to the best of my understanding in obedience to God, that we could weather those accusations if and when they should arise.
In the end, Matt and I had to choose to allow each other our own journey, our own experiences and our own choices. The most important choice being to follow God...and love each other. It's a wonderful thing after 14 years to realize that you are together not only because at some point a long time ago you made a promise you can't break, but because you still choose to be...more than that, you still want to be. Matt decided he wanted me--no matter what understanding I have of my experiences. His willingness to allow me the freedom to come to an understanding of my journey in a time and in a way that I believe is most honoring to God and His work in my life was the deepest expression of true love I have ever experienced. Matt didn't need to earn my love and respect...but he did. In every way he stepped up and into the man I desired him to be--and that God was asking him to become. He kept his vows to me and loved me in the most deeply meaningful way I can think of--he lived out his promises to me and gave me a true sanctuary--safety in grace.
We must be willing to give God "permission" (in other words we must yield) to take one another through those things, to allow God to speak to us as individuals, and accept that our role is not necessarily to have understanding, but to have love, and an ability to listen to one another and to God--over time. That ability is something God must grow in us.
We must be willing to be patient with each other. We must gain each other's trust by becoming a safe place for sharing to happen. And there is no shortcut--the path is learning to listen to God as we listen to each other, and trusting Him to speak in His time and in His way. As that safe place is solidified, we earn the trust of the other who can risk sharing more and more. The common thread is a humility which says, "I don't, I can't, and I may never understand what you are going through--but I love you and I am committed to you." A humility which says, "I can't help you understand what I'm going through, but I can imagine how frustrating it is not to understand. It is enough, more than enough that you love me and accept me without understanding. We don't have to agree on everything, but we can stand listening to God together and wait upon Him for enlightenment within the context of His grace toward us and our grace toward each other. In our lack of understanding, in our humility, in our grace, and in our love for one another we are one."
This is a new wineskin that will not burst under pressure. It is a safe sanctuary for the wonderful sweet fruit from the vine. Matt and I have a new way of yielding our lives to God for His purposes; and yielding each other, and our relationship unto the God who must come first--this is our new wineskin. Not that we understand it all at this point, but we are willing not to. We are willing to be patient and obedient in the meantime. Meanwhile, we are enjoying the blessing of each other and our family with a richness and sweetness that only comes after the wine press.
Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord. Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:5-8
Photo: Grace holding grapes...before the winepress.
For my Birthday this year, Jean gave me a wonderful gift. She and I went to a retreat at a Quaker community called Pendle Hill. There is so much I want to say about it. And I hope that soon I will find the words to express some of what we experienced. In the meantime, I wanted to post some pictures I took that are quite significant reminders of how God moved in and through us during our time there.
Spirit (wind, breath)
Reciprocity
Beauty in Rain
Morning Light
Trinity
Still Fall
This is the path, walk ye in it.
Christ.
Squeeze me a little...
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At Miles on the lake 