Pentecost

Ruah Yellow by Bgrace

50 days after the Resurrection

10 days after the Ascension

Otherwise known as the birthday of the Church

It is connected to Christianity's central image of God as Trinity. Over many centuries Christians have come to understand God in three ways. First, as God the Creator in nature; second, as the Son, in the story of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus; and finally, as Spirit. The Spirit represents God as living and active in the world today. It signifies the fact that the Christian faith is not just about events that happened in the past, rather it concerns the present and the future. The Spirit is God's animating presence in the church, and indeed, in life itself. Hence, without its Spirit, the church is dead, and without the Spirit, all that is creative and wonderful in life itself ceases to exist. (from Godweb)

Luke 4:17-19
The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written: "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

John 14:12-21

"I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it. If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever—the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

Luke 24:49
"I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high."

Amanhecer (become morning)

March 7, 2009

Atlantic City, NJ

Notes from my journal.

Our room is on the 25th floor and overlooks the Marina. Slept fitfully. Decided I wanted to get up and see the sunrise. I went out on the balcony, but realized the sun is rising on the other side. So I put on a sweater and got my camera. An older man who works here was in the elevator and I asked him if there was a place outside I could watch it. 7th floor.

I could tell where the sun would rise long before I could see it's rays. You can tell by the blue of the sky where the sun will appear. Less midnight more royal. The sky lightens slowly. The royal tones fade into a periwinkle glaze. It's not very spectacular this morning. The ripples in the water are more distinct as the sky gets lighter. Gray and pink with light blue above softly muting together. Ever gradually it gets lighter. The street lights turn off. The seagulls play over my head. I think they're flirting with me. Waiting, waiting. My hands are cold. Pink turns to peach as the sun changes hue. And then I see it. Bright orange. Just the tip. It's very modest today. Simple, round...but still the star of the morning show.

Luvaby

I've been spending a lot of time pondering some of life's deep mysteries lately. (I know, what's new?) I feel like I should write my thoughts, but tonight I'm too tired. Instead I'll remind myself of the things that made me smile the past couple days by telling you.

This mother bird decided to build a nest on the top frame of our front door. Seriously! Every time we opened the door the past couple of weeks she would swoop off. The girls and I had so much fun watching her feed her babies. I had to get this picture from pretty far off because the mother was afraid to go to the nest if I was anywhere near.

Grace and Em love to play the "animal" guessing game in the car, their rules are that the person thinking of the animal has to say the first letter of the name of the animal they are thinking of and then we all have to guess. Well, Emily picked an animal that we couldn't guess that started with a d, so after a while, Matt, totally straight faced, started guessing every animal he could think of and putting a d in front of it...like doodpecker, dorse, dark,dongoose. Emily couldn't decide for a while if he was kidding or not. We were laughing so hard we were all crying.

Sarah finally got to try out her new pool, which is set up conveniently on the deck so that I can be in the kitchen working while she's playing. She mostly uses it as a big pouring basin. She pours stuff into pitchers and cups and bowls and usually takes them over and serves them to Sam. (Though sometimes she decides he's hot and needs to wear them.)

I still giggle when I remember the look on the 60+ year old man's face when I asked him for ID before I would serve him champagne (after I'd served all the 40 year olds at the table).

It was so fun to see the girls' dance on stage at the Hershey Theatre...ok, I was actually weeping, but it was a smiling kind of crying. This picture was taken before the show, after they were tired of standing next to each other smiling for my camera. I think they enjoyed this dramatic interpretation a bit too much.

I picked a bowl full of strawberries from my own garden. (Oh, and made mojitos from my mint patch!)

Sam ran away after a doggie friend in the neighborhood and they chased each other into the creek nearby--but they couldn't find their way back up to the embankment. They were having so much fun swimming around I almost didn't mind. (Though he was so wet and muddy my house smelled like wet dog the rest of the night, even after he was banished to the basement for running away.)

Today, I asked Sarah to sing for me and she sang me a "luvaby." (It's perfect, isn't it?)

Left To Tell

Immaculee Ilibagiza

This past Thursday evening I went to see Immaculee speak. I happened upon the event in the Saturday evening paper--which I have never ever read, but for whatever reason decided to page through last week. She had been invited to F&M as part of a Defense of the Faith series. I decided to attend the mass that was held beforehand as well.

It was an interesting evening. Her story is quite moving. She wrote a book called Left to Tell, which became a NY Times Best Seller, about how she survived the Rwandan genocide by hiding for 3 months in the 3 by 4 ft. bathroom of a Protestant Hutu Pastor with 7 other women. She came out,weighing 65 pounds, to find that almost every member of her immediate family had been murdered, and a million people in her tiny country were killed in a matter of days by people who had hours before been their neighbors and friends--just because they were Tutsi's.

What she went through--the violence, the pain, the outrage, the sense of desperation, confusion, and fear--what the Rwandan people went through I cannot even imagine how horrible it was. And yet as she talked about how the Lord brought her to the point of forgiveness I found her journey very accessible. She described how she would pray the Lord's prayer, but for a while wanted to skip over the phrase, "as we forgive them who have trespassed against us." The Lord eventually impressed upon her that it was important that she not leave that out. She described the battle she went through between forgiveness and revenge. When finally she made the choice to forgive she shared the enormous freedom and release she experienced. Some time later, she was able to meet the man who killed her parents, and she offered him forgiveness. The weight of what she was choosing to forgive is momentous compared to what we might encounter in our own personal experiences, but it is the same process we all must go through. When Immaculee says, "If I can forgive, you can forgive too," it is an impressive challenge.

Immaculee talked much about her spiritual journey. There is no question in my mind that God has made himself known to her and done many miracles in her life. Not only keeping her hidden, and keeping her alive, but also through the process of giving her a place to live, a place to work (at the UN), bringing her to the US, publishing her book, and giving her a platform to speak about the power and beauty of forgiveness.

Immaculee credits much of her journey to prayer. She spoke about her many hours of prayer, and I found that some of her experiences rang true to my own journey. She described finding a wonderful safe place in prayer from all the darkness and evil and oppression that attacked her. It sounded very much to me like what I have experienced in terms of discovering the Sanctuary. And she also described being directed by God to do certain things and go certain places...for example, how she met the author who helped her to publish her story. That type of leading seemed familiar to me as well. She talked with such love about Jesus and the importance and power of prayer and fasting. It resonated very deeply with my own similar experiences.

But Immaculee has many spiritual experiences that I don't share. She is deeply committed to Mary and praying to her. She has experienced Mary speaking to Rwandans through a visionary (I think that would be our understanding of a prophet.) The Catholic Church has given it's approval that this appearance is genuine. (You can read more about it through the link above.) Immaculee is very dedicated to praying the Rosary and believes much in its power. She is very committed to the Catholic church.

So that raises some questions for me. If I believe her experiences are genuine, how do I reconcile the differences in our theology? What is the truth about it all?

I think back to last November when I was at Pendle Hill. I had a conversation with Ken about the Quakers and how many of them were searching for God and truth and love and yet not receiving the Gospel message. He quoted someone, I can't remember who right now, who said, "There are many roads to God, but on every one there is an encounter with the Living Christ." That same weekend I was introduced to a woman sitting across the table from me who was a teacher in residence at Pendle Hill. She happened to be writing a book about Joan of Arc. We talked for some time, and she made a comment in passing that I thought was very interesting. She said that Joan's understanding of God's voice speaking to her was manifested through what Joan perceived to be St. Catherine. Does God speak or appear to people in ways that are more helpful for them to receive Him because of their life experiences? Like a burning bush, an angel, a donkey, a man? What about when people thought John and Jesus were Elijah? I find it interesting, after reading more about Joan's life and faith, that though she heard heavenly voices of the Saints, she still seemed to be closely connected in prayer to Christ, especially towards the end of her life. It was to Jesus she cried out to when she was on the stake.

And quite frankly, though this rubs against much of the theology I was brought up with, I think that what Immaculee and Joan experienced really was a manifestation of God. But I don't claim to understand that. I don't know if it was Mary or St. Catherine that spoke to them or appeared to them. It is possible. But maybe that was just the form that God presented Himself to in their understanding.

I KNOW....that's so over the top for some of you. I'm not saying it is so, just that I believe it is possible. Or maybe there is just so much more that we don't understand yet. I'm tired of throwing out overwhelming evidences of God's work and movement in and through people just because it doesn't fit with my understanding of Him.

And though I believe very strongly that the Lord has taught me very intentionally through Joan, and led me to hear Immaculee's experiences, and though I have gained a sense that God is very present in the Catholic Church...I don't have any desire or sense that I am to become a Catholic. But I am learning from them. Much in the same way that I understand why I am at the church I am at right now. I have always known that I don't belong there, that I am passing through. I know that I am there to learn and receive certain things, and perhaps to be a blessing in return...but it is not my home.

And while I'm in passing, I want to learn from Immaculee and Joan, from "the Charismatics," from Quaker Ken, even from Rodger and Jean, my Mormon friends. I am not unaware of the dangers, and I understand that we must worship in spirit AND in truth. But as I become aware of those things my religious tradition shares with other traditions, I realize that one thing we share is a blindness to the darkness in our midst, and an unawareness of the light outside of us. Do we really believe God doesn't show up at other churches? Or only certain ones? And do we really think that He comes to us because we have the right answers? We all have a mixture of truth and untruth and of sight and blindness. By His grace and in his ways He appears to us all. How and where and why I'm convinced more and more is up to Him, but I believe He comes through every opening to be found. And I'm experiencing the joy,the challenge, and the growth that the openness of learning from others, with Jesus by my side as Teacher, and the Holy Spirit as Counselor, can bring.

Lit From Within

Stained Glass, by Bgrace

Then after this he said to the disciples, "Let us go to Judea again." The disciples said to him, "Rabbi, the Jews were just now seeking to stone you, and are you going there again?" Jesus answered, "Are there not twelve hours in the day? If anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him." After saying these things, he said to them, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I go to awaken him." The disciples said to him, "Lord, if he has fallen asleep, he will recover." Now Jesus had spoken of his death, but they thought that he meant taking rest in sleep. Then Jesus told them plainly, "Lazarus has died, and for your sake I am glad that I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him." So Thomas, called the Twin, said to his fellow disciples, "Let us also go, that we may die with him."

John 11:7-16 (English Standard Version)

I've been slowly working my way through John the last few weeks, and I've found myself lingering a while in John 11. These 10 verses have especially been working on me the last few days. It's interesting that the author placed enough importance on this conversation to even include it, and it might be easy to pass it by, but when we sit with it for a while it raises some very interesting questions.

Jesus had recently been in Judea, where he was in danger of being arrested or even stoned, so his disciples were none too anxious to return there. When they questioned Jesus, He gave them one of those responses that seemed to be answering a different question than the one they were asking.

"Are there not twelve hours in the day? If anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him."

It seems He is describing them. He's telling the disciples why they cannot understand His reasons for going. It's because they see by the light of the day--like most people--they are dependent upon the sun. That is why when there is less light--like at night-- they stumble around.

Jesus is saying that their ability to see in the day and night is similar to their ability to understand what is going on clearly.

But Jesus doesn't rely on the light of day, nor does His understanding depend on what circumstances might seem to dictate. This is why He knows He is to go to to Judea, to Bethany. Jesus' understanding comes from His connection with the Father. Jesus is lit from within.

It's fairly obvious that the disciples aren't really listening to Jesus.

They aren't hearing him say, "Your stumbling around in the darkness because you aren't lit from within."

They aren't hearing him say, "I'm going to awaken Lazarus."

They aren't hearing him say, "For your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe."

They only hear him say, "But let us go to him."

And the response from Thomas is this: "Let us also go, that we may die with him."

This is what strikes me: They believe in HIM. Enough to follow him. Enough to die for him.

But they still don't believe His words.

They don't believe what He is saying to them. They don't believe what he is saying about Lazarus. They don't hear him because they aren't listening. And they aren't listening because they don't understand. They don't understand, listen, or hear because they are stumbling around in the darkness. They are not lit from within.

This is the next thing that strikes me: Jesus doesn't try to make them hear, or listen, or understand. He waits for what will take place to take it's effect. He waits for His words to come to pass so that they will believe what they couldn't hear, what they should have listened to, and what they didn't understand--because then it will come with belief, not only in Him, but in His words.

It's odd, is it not, to think that they would follow, even to the death, a man who's words they didn't believe?

And yet it isn't so uncommon, is it? How often is our experience the same? How often do we follow Jesus with resignation instead of trusting that even if our understanding of His words is not complete, that not only is He worthy but His words are also worthy of our trust, our faith, our belief?

The problem is this...we are trying to trust His words by evaluating our circumstances with our understanding of what we are going through. We are stumbling around in the dark. No wonder our faith in His words wavers. We can't possibly trust them without the same connection with the Father.

We must be lit from within.

Only then do we have what we need to follow in belief of what He says, regardless of whether or not we are capable of understanding what it means.

abide in me

Iris by bgrace

I've been listening a little differently over the last few days. Many times when I'm listening to the Lord I'm listening specifically for His words...like when I'm reading Scripture, or praying and waiting for Him to answer. But not this time. I've been reading a book by Andrew Murray recently about abiding. It's profound in its address of the subject of abiding in Christ and I am learning a lot. Though often I find myself putting it down and feeling like I want to actually practice it more than read about it. (I'm sure Murray would approve.)

The thing is this--abiding is about a lot more than having a conversation with God. Abiding is about doing life together with God. About being IN God and God being IN me and being aware of the fact, choosing to open myself up to that living connection with Him and live out of that jointness at all times.

What I realize is, the more that is going on in your life, the harder that awareness is to maintain if God is not forcing it upon you. (Which, in my experience, sometimes He does.) So I've decided, as much as possible, to practice listening for His presence. Not for the purpose of speaking with Him or receiving guidance from Him. I want to simple be with Him and be aware of that. In the midst of the quiet as well as the chaos.

And I've been asking myself these questions,

"What does it mean to be in You?"

"What does it mean for You to be in me?"

"Why do I feel such intense restlessness at times and such peace at others?"
"Do You show us Your presence through the physical world in intimate ways--Do you warm my face with the sunlight in a way that feels like it's a personal gesture, and when I sense Your movement in my spirit do you blow the winds around me to show me Your presence surrounds?"

"What does your throne room look like? More like the center of an iris than a room in a castle?"

"Why is it that when I become more aware of You I become more aware of the beauty around me--in creation, in those I love, and even in those who are hard to love?"

"If abiding is so wonderful, why don't I want to more often?"

"What is it that gets in the way?"

Eye of the Needle

Photo from www.catholica.com

I spent some time with a woman named Mary last week. The first time I met Rev.Mary was last year, through a mutual friend. She was leading a very special memorial service. I was there to be an encouragement to a friend. I was told Mary had the gift of prophecy, and I was curious, and also a bit wary. Not that I don’t believe in the gift of prophecy. I believe that today the gift of prophecy does exist in order to bring encouragement, comfort, and strength to others, and often for the purposes of giving confirmation to individuals or communities of what the Lord has already been telling them. Prophets are first and foremost listeners. They listen and hear from God, and then speak when He leads them to. But I was wary because I have learned a few things over the past couple years. First, not everyone who prophecies does so by the Spirit of God—and thus, at best their prophecies can be confused; at worst they can be false. Second, even those who prophecy by the Spirit of God are often not doing so with a pure heart. So what they speak may be coming from their own soul. Third, those who may have this gift are absolutely bound to use it in love. For if it is not used in love it is completely inadequate to give any help. It is, as Paul says in I Cor. 13, “a sounding gong.” Whenever we represent God with our words, we must speak with the voice of our Shepherd. If we don’t, there is evidence of impurity in our own hearts that contaminates our ability to hear what God is saying and thus what we are sharing.
There are a number of things that I evaluate when I determine whether or not to receive a word of prophecy or a prophetic prayer. Again, in John 10, we read that the sheep know the Shepherd’s voice. I, as a sheep, am responsible to my Heavenly Shepherd. So I always ask myself, does what this person say resonate with the Spirit of God in me? If there is a conflict, then I must seek and wait before the Lord until He gives me clarity as to whether the unrest comes from an inability on my part to receive what the Lord is saying, or if the unrest is because the “word” is not from God. It is only when there is a receptiveness in my spirit as it submits to His Spirit that I receive that word.
The second lesson comes from James 3 and 4. It is very simple and yet so often ignored in the church—perhaps because we trust our leaders so much, or perhaps because we are so easily swayed by a good argument instead of evaluating things by God’s methods.
James 3:13-18 says this, “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, thee you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peaceloving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial, and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.”
There is so much help as to discerning whether wisdom comes from heaven or not packed in these verses. Here are the things that I think most speak to the topic at hand. First, true wisdom shows itself through humility. Not pride, not arrogance, or condescension, and certainly not contempt. Second, true wisdom comes from the pure in heart—those who are emptied of themselves and their own desires so that they have made room in their souls for God’s desires to come forth in purity. No selfish ambition, pride, partiality, or insincerity taints their words. Their words sow peace because there is nothing contrary to God’s Word or will in their message. And thus what they speak brings forth a harvest. It brings LIFE.
So as I observed Mary interact with those in the memorial service, I watched for those things. I was very moved by the fruit of the Spirit I saw in her. After the memorial service, Mary approached me. She did not know me other than my first name. She didn’t even know the person I came with. But she told me that she had a word for me from the Lord if I would like to receive it. I sensed that the Lord had been preparing me for this and that He wanted me to hear her. Mary recorded the prayer she prayed over me so that I could take it with me. She felt a little sheepish doing so, but I was so glad that she did. Her prayer was over five minutes long, and if you have ever had this type of experience, you understand that the prayer itself is so powerful that your ability to recall the words of it are minimal at best. The Spirit’s work through her prayer was very powerful, almost overwhelming. And if a prayer is truly is a word of prophecy about your life the words are priceless treasures. So I am very glad to have a record of her words so that I can go back to them.
At that time, Mary’s prayer was used by God to do an enormous work of healing in my spirit, and God spoke of some special things through her about my life. It was a very precious time. But though I had many questions I sensed that the Lord did not want me to initiate any more contact with her. I saw her once more a few months later with a group of people, and sensed that at some point we would speak again, but there was a stay on my spirit…until two weeks ago.
It was interesting when I called her. She had been waiting for me. I tried to warn her that my journey was a bit unusual, but she reassured me that when the Holy Spirit introduces you to someone it is different. She shared with me some of the things that the Lord had revealed to her about my calling and asked me if I sensed the same things from the Lord and I told her yes. So we met.
It was a very interesting time. We spoke for a number of hours, and then Mary prayed over me for over an hour. I’ve never had an experience quite like it. During Mary’s prayer she started explaining a picture the Lord was giving her about my journey. It was of a period of being brought very low to the ground, a great humbling. Like a camel stooping down to get though an opening. “Petra,” she said. Then it came together for her. “The camel going through the eye of the needle,” she said. It’s an actual place called Petra. She said, “The last four years have been a time of terrible suffering for you. A great humbling period. It’s been like Auschwitz for you. Many people died there, but some survived. You will survive this time. You kept getting beaten down time after time, blown apart like with landmines, and when you would receive the wounds the Lord would heal you up, and then you would be wounded again, and the Lord would keep healing you. It is almost impossible for the camel to go through the eye of the needle, but nothing is impossible with God." The sobs racked my body as the truth of her words touched my spirit. And I felt more affirmed in my journey with that one metaphor than in all of the words that I have heard over the last four years…simply because she nailed it. No…the Spirit of God did, and He wanted me to know that He knows. And that in itself was what I needed. No one could possibly understand the past four years of my life but Him. Then Mary said something that blew me away. She spoke very matter of factly, “The Lord says in five days it will be over.” That was a bit much for me and I broke her prayer off momentarily to clarify… “You mean five literal days?” “Yep,” she said without any hesitation. I couldn’t even compute. Seriously. I mean, when you go through a spiritual concentration camp for four years, and suddenly you get your walking papers and in five days you get to turn your back on the gates of such intense torture…it doesn’t really seem real. Or believable. Would something major happen to end that period, or would it simply fade into the past? “Who will I be without it?” I thought to myself. "What will my life be like?"
That was 6 days ago.
Today, I took out my Bible, and found Matthew 19.
Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?" Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. Peter answered him, "We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?" Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life .But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." (Matt. 19:21-30)
Some time, many years ago, I had highlighted verses 21 and 26 and written a note beside it. “Only God can enable us to love Him more than what we treasure here.”
As I think about God’s call on my life, and how necessary that will be, I understand a little as to why I have had to go through the eye of the needle. And I am grateful, honored even. I understand that our suffering, when born in submission to Christ, is our glory. Even when we don’t suffer perfectly. It is through suffering that we are perfected. I don’t know how things will go from here, or what more suffering and humbling will be necessary. But I do know this, God has done the impossible in my life, and whether His work comes through pain or joy, He is enabling me to love Him more than any earthly treasures, and He who began a good work in me, will be faithful to complete it.
Maybe I’ll say some more soon about Matthew 19. About how humility and power must go hand in hand. About purity of heart—how desiring what God desires above all that we desire is a necessary element to living the life of the Kingdom. About why God asks us to leave all else before we can truly follow. But I need some more time to pull those threads together in my thinking.
In closing, my thoughts turn to many people who have walked a mile or so with me in my journey…and tonight none more so than my brother, my Peter, who has shared my sufferings more than most, and much more than that his own--mostly in silence. Your suffering—your unanswered questions and your loyalty to Christ in the midst of all the storms—it too is your glory, my friend. Though no one else knows, HE does.

B Girls

Today my girls woke me with cheers and giggles and breakfast in bed and lots of wonderful pictures and gifts they made for me. And they gave me a card that read,

"It was from you that I learned to be me."

Tonight, as I was looking over the pictures from this past weekend, I saw there was truth in those words...and I felt very proud. My girls truly are my crown, and I wear it with a deep sense of blessing. I love you girls, and I love being loved by you.

Sarah smelling lilacs.

Sarah, leaning.

E-dance photo day

Nutcracker Sweet

City Island

Giggles

Follow the leader

Titanic Moment

Fresh Bait

Casting

Cuddling

Playing in the wind.

Confusion Crucified

Photo by Bgrace

I heard a sermon recently from John Ortberg. The link to Menlo Park Presbyterian, the church where he pastors, is on my blog list to the right. I highly encourage you to listen to him. He’s one of the most gifted speakers I have ever heard. In this particular sermon he made a very interesting commentary on Peter’s address to the people at the Feast of Pentecost. (Acts 2) The Spirit of God was poured out with great power upon the followers of Jesus. Peter gave the very first sermon preached about Jesus after the crucifixion and resurrection. He was addressing the people of Israel who had gone to great expense and sacrifice to travel from all over to come to Jerusalem to worship God to sacrifice to him. Of all the people they were the moral high ground. Peter starts talking about Jesus, that there had never been a man like Jesus, nobody ever knew God like Jesus, understood life, loved, healed, died, or was resurrected like Jesus. Then he says this, “Therefore let all Israel be aware of this, God has made this Jesus whom you crucified both Lord and Christ (leader and redeemer.)” (Acts 2:36)
“This Jesus, whom you crucified.”
Now understand what Peter is saying to them: Your actions, your choices, your lives are what led to the crucifixion of the greatest man that ever lived.
Ortberg goes on to say that their response is interesting. You might expect the crowd to get angry at Peter, to turn on him. Instead, when they heard this, they were “cut to the heart.” They said, “Brothers, what should we do?” So what is going on? What’s happening is that Jesus said that when the Holy Spirit comes He would convict of sin. The people were being convicted and were repenting.
Ortberg then talks about the glorious gift that conviction is. How important it is for us to be convicted by the Spirit so that we may be able to experience repentance and turn from our wrongdoing in the presence of the grace of God.
After I listened to this sermon, I went to spend some time in prayer before I took communion. And as is my habit, I spent some time in confession. I had a particularly important meeting that night and so I had been preparing myself by fasting. (I believe we can often hear God more clearly when we fast. I think of it as praying with my body.)
Because of the expectancy of this time, and that I sense God’s preciseness right now in my preparation, I took some questions to Him that have been long unanswered.

I prayed something like this, “It is very important right now for me to move forward with a clean slate. I need to have conviction or release—to know that there isn’t any confusion in me regarding your voice and your leading in my life." And then I leaned as hard as I could in my spirit towards conviction.

I waited in silence for a while, and then very clearly, the Lord reminded me of the people at Pentecost, who unknowingly—because they didn’t recognize the Lord—crucified Christ. I realized as the peace, almost against my will, flooded my soul, that I was doing the same thing. I was trying to crucify the Christ in me.
There was no doubt in my spirit that God's Spirit was letting me know that what I was questioning was the presence of Christ and no other. I took Communion even more thoughtfully than usual. I wondered how many times I have tried, like the Israelites, to crucify the Christ in me in the name of trying to “do the right thing” or following where I have been led, or desiring to meet the expectation of others. All the while the One I’ve been trying to crucify is both Lord and Christ, leader and redeemer.
This Jesus, the One I tried to crucify.

I think of all those that have tried to “help” me crucify Him.

I wonder how many times I helped to crucify the Christ in others.

And for all of us I remember the words of Christ, the One we crucified and still often fail to recognize...

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing. Look, your house is left to you desolate. For I tell you, you will not see me again until you say, 'Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord."
Matthew 23:37-39

Cowgirl Sarah

I can't believe she's three! Here's some pictures from the party. Thanks Jean, Grandma, and Grandpa, and everyone who made it special. Sarah (and all of us) love you!

Sarah's first look at her presents.

She's very excited.

On her motorcycle.


Ride 'Em Cowgirl!

With Mom, (who had as much fun pulling this party together as Sarah did).

Friends are here!

Best Friend Gabbie.

Strategy: feed them as much fruit and veggies while their starving...

Then bring out the chicken nuggets and french fries.

Time for more presents!

Sarah's Birthday Book, The Tales of Peter Rabbit (popup version)

apples and cherries

This will come in handy this week.

Water toys!

Time for Cake!

Happy Birthday to you...

This cowgirl's got pipes!

Stawberries and more strawberries...

Who needs water????

Time for the round up!

Expectant

Lovely Lauren, Expectant

Photo by Bgrace

I grabbed my laptop this morning because I felt like I should write something. Anything. A piece about where I'm at and what I'm learning and experiencing and what this leg of the journey looks like for me.

"Why do I want to share?" I ask myself...I guess I've always felt like there must be some good in writing about what I'm going through. It forces me to acknowledge my journey and I hope it can be of some value to others. And most simply, it has been an act of submission, I've always desired to honor God in being willing to be open.

But when I've tried to put this leg into words, it has always eluded me. There have often been times that I haven't understood what I'm going through in this process--until after I'm through it, and even then only in part. But I often find that there's much to be learned from our perspective in the midst of things, even if it takes on a different meaning once we have a greater understanding in hindsight.

Don't misunderstand. There is so much joy and blessing in my life. I love my job...I have really interesting interactions with people every day. I am having so much fun with Matt-- we've been travelling together, and we're excited about working together in the garden and enjoying guests over the spring and summer. (OH, and I'm taking him to see Bruce Springsteen, which he won't find out until he reads this.) The girls bring me so much joy...Sarah is turning 3 on Sunday and I am so looking forward to our celebration. (I'll have to post pics.) Grace and Em's dance recital is at the Hershey Theater this month and we are all excited. I've been reading fiction again. I KNOW. SO BIZARRE. It's a terrible thing though. I clearly remember why I finally gave it up...because once I start a book I HAVE to finish it. So I've been getting little sleep. I'm working on the Inheritance series (Eragon). I got through the first two books in three days and I'm not letting myself get my hands on the third one until after the weekend or Sarah wouldn't have a cake! The Lord is slowly refilling my life with relationships again, after a long period of solitude, with friends new and old. And my greatest joy in that is the friendship that is growing between Daren and I. Daren, whom you may not have heard of, is my younger brother. He's 8 years younger than me, and I have not seen him in 9 years. He lives in Brazil, and I really haven't been near him for any extended period of time since 1990. We've both changed a lot since then. But the Lord is giving him back to me. I think He knew I needed a brother, and I think my brother needs me. There is a great tenderness between us now. I'm so excited to see him in a few months.

So life goes on and is full of all that it should be. EXCEPT that the spiritual currents I'm following are so, how do I say it, DEEP. PAINFUL almost. Like being submerged in an ocean in winter. Calm, dark, deep waters that are ice cold. Not bad though. It's not like I'm drowning or in danger. Just feeling like I'm way in over my head, very far from shore, and wishing the water would begin to warm up. The presence of God in me feels very...well, I don't know how to say it another way...sacred. Like Old Testament holy. Almost beyond words. I don't even want to pray with words right now. They seem inadequate. So mostly when I acknowledge His presence it is in silence. It's not really a comfortable silence either. I feel like lighting candles and offering incense is most appropriate right now...in a holy, terrible quiet. Like God is about to say something or do something or begin something that will change everything. I gotta find me a Catholic church close by...one with lots of stained glass. They seriously are the best places to pray. No one thinks you're crazy for kneeling in church and praying for an extended period of time or that you are strange because the only person you came to see at church was God. (I could REALLY get on a soapbox here, but I'll refrain.)

I sense this is a beginning. A drawing of some sort. A call to consecration. A birthing.

But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm afraid. Afraid of the pain. Afraid of what it will require. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of change. Afraid of failure.

How do I become free of all that would keep me from entering into it? How do I become free of self? Free of other's expectations? Does the dying never end?

I'm guessing it's kind of like giving birth. You can only prolong the outcome so long. And at some point, it takes care of itself. Not that we couldn't abort--a horrible desecration--for life is way too precious, more precious than our pain.

"In Him was life and that life was the light of men."