Evening Reflections

I took Grace to dance this evening. Usually I need to hurry home or go straight into work, so I don't get the chance to watch her, but Jean had Em and Sarah and I had the night off so I stayed.  I was only going to stay a few minutes, but I just loved watching her so much I sat for over an hour.  It's not like they were doing anything special--bar work, turns, and leaps.  Grace is in a class full of dancers that are around the same level as she is.  They have varying strengths and weaknesses.  I love to watch her teacher correct her and complement her.  It's not really anything terribly exciting, but for some reason there is little on this earth that settles my spirit like watching Grace dance.  There's something about it that just feeds my soul.  It's not exactly motherly pride or anything like that.  It just brings me peace, as if I know that something is right in the world, that this is as it should be.
Grace's dance is close to Matt's office, so on the way home I called him to see if he had to work late.  We decided to go have drinks at the Symposium.  His boss (our friend) joined us after a bit and we enjoyed each other's company for a while before I excused myself to go relieve Jean. I had the car to myself for reflectiong on the ride home. 

What really surfaced in my heart was a deep gratitude toward God for the present.  There are times in my journey when I am tempted to think that God isn't working or doing anything about my future.  He's shown me some pretty interesting possibilities about the directions my career may take.  But then I wait and wait...and I could get impatient.  Or I could begin to doubt. 

Except that what God is doing in the present keeps my doubts at bay.  I look at Grace and all that is in the works there, how I couldn't have possibly orchestrated a better environment for her and how I see her growing and progressing far beyond my expectations and I know that God is bringing about what He said.

Then I look at Matt and all that has transpired over the past 14 months and I am sobered by God's blessing.  I have loved every minute of walking this growth process with him in his career.  Really!  Even the moments between 2 and 4 AM.  He is shedding all of those things that have crippled him in the past.  He is rising to the task at hand and he's doing it beautifully.  The harder things have gotten the more he's had to step up.  He's faced every possible difficulty--political, ethical, relational, technical, spiritual...and he's fought through it.  He's faced his own demons, and those of others too.  His promotion was a blessing we had prayed for, but when he got it it was to me only an acknowledgement of what he had already proven.

I have loved the opportunites I've had to fight for things regarding his job through prayer and fasting and just listening and encouraging him.  It has been so meaningful to me to  know that when I sense his anxiety rising and the enemy begin to attack him in his sleep that I can lay my hands on him and go to battle until his breathing returns to normal and peace takes over.  I have been blessed by seeing God's words to me regarding Matt proved true--and I can't wait to see how much more they will become true.  My respect for Matt has continued to grow as I've seen him time and again do the right thing instead of the easy thing and return kindness when dealt with unfairly. He's stayed true to who he is and insisted on treating people with respect even when pressured to deal with things differently so that people would be more afraid of him.  I am so proud of him.  But even more than that I am incredibly grateful to God.  If Matt lost his job tomorrow--none of these past 14 months would seem like a loss to me because the changes that have taken place that matter are in Matt.  Not in a job.  That is the work of God and the cooperation of Matt with Him.

And when I look at these things I realize more and more how important (oh captain, my captain) it is to suck the marrow out of life.  Out of the present.  I would not trade any of the present for the future I'm hoping for.  Because if I did--it wouldn't be the future I'm hoping for.  Every moment of the present is preparation and a becoming for later.  What I am learning, and the person I am becoming as enter into each relationship and circumstance the Lord leads me through is an important part of preparing me for the future.  The present is the pathway to the future.

I'm so grateful for those times that God allows me to see His hand working and doing what He has said.  It gives me faith to believe that He is working far beyond my scope of sight. 

Tonight, I decided, the more God shows me what is to come, the more I'll seek to fully enter the present--with it's blessings and trials and battles and rests.  More than that--In the present, I'll seek to enter into a deeper intimacy with the One who has great plans for me--to prosper and not to harm me, to bring me a hope and a future.