Photo by Bgrace
I was sitting on a bench outside on a University campus. A lot of my dreams seem to take place in this setting. I'm not sure if it is because of the emotional difficulties of my college years I still seem to be working through, the fact that I feel like I'm in God's school right now, or the sense that I have that I will go back to school at some point--though for exactly what purpose I don't yet have full clarity.
As my dream came into focus, I was sitting on a bench talking to a guy. He was attractive and I was aware of the fact that he was very interested in me. I remember feeling like I told him I wasn't really up for that kind of a thing, with a sense that though this was a really good guy, he might change his mind if he knew me and more about my journey.
Next I saw myself standing with a group of people on the sidewalk. Though there was a group of us, I only remember one face. It's a face I have never seen before. It belonged to a guy and I couldn't make out his age but he seemed like he was my peer. I vaguely remember a reddish plaid western shirt with pocket snaps. He was tall and had brown hair that softly curled about his face and shoulders. He had a ruggedness about him, and a quiet confidence, like he'd survived a jungle or two. I remember thinking he had a way about him like an MK I used to know from the Amazon. A lone diamond pierced his left ear.
He was so interesting, but most remarkable were his eyes. In a word, they were perceptive. He seemed to know things, like he'd had experiences most people wouldn't understand. He was watching me, and as we stood there he seemed to be amused in a gentle sort of way, not cocky, but like he wanted to share. He was watching me, and never took his eyes off my face. I tried to pretend not to notice.
In my dream I was very confused because all of a sudden I felt completely drawn to him. Every spiritual and emotional and physical cell of my body felt like a magnet to metal. Everything in me wanted to be with this man.
The next thing I knew everyone else was gone. I was sitting in some sort of garden area, as if I had sat down in the middle of the shrubs next to the sidewalk. I noticed that I didn't have any shoes on and my feet had dug a big hole and were covered in dirt. It was loose and dark, like potting soil. I had this sense where all my emotions were pulled into the middle of my dream, I felt so sad--crushed by the weight of it, and my pain pervaded my consciousness.
Then--out of nowhere--he was there at my feet. The man I hadn't met before but felt so drawn to. I had my knees drawn up to my chin so his face, though still at my feet, was right before my eyes as well. I shrank back at first, feeling embarrassed and said,
"You don't want to put your face next to my dirty feet."
"I don't mind," he replied.
Then I noticed the tears on his face. Why was he crying?
Then I realized his tears were for me. He could see me. He knew me. He cared enough to understand me. He felt my pain so deeply he was crying. I had this strong sense that he had come to take care of me and all these thing that were broken and messy and soiled weren't bothering him at all. In fact, I started to see the dirt on my feet as a gift. This was good soil. We could plant something here.
In retrospect, this next part makes me laugh, but at the time I remember feeling very confused because I realized he wanted to be with me and I really wanted to be with him but I couldn't reconcile that. It didn't seem like the right ending to the story. I was pretty sure I was supposed to be with someone else. Even funnier is that I was concerned because I had just told the guy on the bench I wasn't interested in this kind of a thing. What was he going to think?
I sensed that I conveyed all this to him (we didn't actually seem to need to talk to understand each other) and he just kind of smiled in an unaffected way and said, "We'll just take things as they come." As we started on together, a group of soccer players came up to us and Matt was with them. We were all talking together and I realized that Matt didn't feel at all threatened by this man at my side. And I was confused by that. Why isn't Matt feeling territorial?
As soon as I asked the question I began to understand the meaning of my dream. The man in my dream was Jesus. I just didn't recognize him at first. (Probably because he was so hot!) Matt wasn't threatened because somehow Jesus' love, in all it's consuming fire is a love of communion, not separation. In its purity it doesn't divide, it joins. If it does not join, it is because there is an impurity present we are not willing to let go of. Jesus' love is the only love that is always fitting, but the intensity with which it comes at times, and the ways we experience it at times are unexpected. We hesitate, and sometimes even reject his advances.
Jesus' love didn't diminish my love or need for Matt, but there were needs in my soul and pains in my chest that only He could heal. I needed him for that. Furthermore, even beyond our needs--there are beautiful, holy blessings he offers us that we are unsure of how to receive and especially how to receive in purity.
In my dream, I had this sense that Jesus' presence with me would be so real, so desirable, and because of his perception and ability to see and understand me, so fitting, such a perfect companion, that I wouldn't feel the need for the guy on the bench.
Maybe you find this all a bit disturbing and uncomfortable. That Jesus could come to us as a man. Maybe you think I have an overactive imagination (possibility granted) or you might tell me that after all, it was just a dream. I understand. Even in my dream I was having a hard time working it all out. It is complicated. But in Arwen's words, "If it is a dream, it is a good dream."
Hebrews 12:12-13
Note: I wrote this post in its entirety on April 21st, 2010, the morning I awoke from my dream. I was post- fasting then, and haven't been released to share it until now. I figure this will give Dad lots of material to pray about as he reads about Tozer's "sanctified imagination."
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