Heaven's Colors

Matt on Lake (Cayuga)

Photo by bgrace

"Looking back you will see that every step was planned.

Leave all to Me...It is all so wonderful!

But the colors are of Heaven's hues,

so that your eyes could not bear to gaze on the whole,

until you are beyond the veil."
Daily Reading from God Calling for 11-11

A second look. For more info. see comments, response to Lauren.

Old Vine, New Wine

Wisteria and Cedar

At first glance, you might think this is a picture of a single tree overlooking the lake. Its more than that. The back trunk, closest to the water, is a cedar tree. The trunk in front is not actually a trunk. It's a grape vine, specifically a wisteria vine. It's thought to be the oldest vine in the Finger Lakes region. It blooms to 60 feet in height and produces a very sweet grape. An old vine that produces sweet wine. It speaks of our journey over the past few years. For a long time I have been very hesitant to write publicly about Matt's place in my journey. Partially because my relationship with Matt is sacred to me--a place set apart, a sanctuary, something that I didn't want to be tainted by all that swirled around me. Partially because much of what we have gone through was not ripe--it's difficult to write about something you don't understand, you can only write "in part" about the emotions and lessons you experience as you walk through the "not understanding." And in part I chose not to write because much of what we have journeyed has been very personal, very painful, and rightfully private. So I'm writing about this now because it's time to speak. I read an interview with Meg Ryan, and what I found most interesting in what she said is why she held her silence for so long. And she held her arms up crossed in front of her face as if to shield herself and said, "I did this." But she also acknowledged that by not speaking she allowed herself to take a lot of criticism that wasn't fair or wasn't based on the truth. Well, I didn't wait ten years. And I'm not "trying to rewrite my history" as Quaid accused her regarding the interview. But I am ready to say this much. Because I want to remember this season in my relationship with Matt. Because I wouldn't trade where we are at for all that we've been through. Because I've learned some things that were such important lessons. Because I've made some difficult choices along the way that I don't regret. And because we've grown in ways that aren't possible through time alone.

Probably the hardest decision I had to keep making throughout my journey was to believe God, as difficult as that seemed to me--regardless of how much fallout I had to go through along the way--in my personal life, my professional life, and in my relationships with those I loved. Especially Matt. Now, I didn't say understand God. There are many things I still don't understand. But I was and am responsible to follow God to the best of my understanding, always with a humility that would allow Him to change my understanding of things along the way. I cannot tell you how painful that learning process is...mostly because it is about letting go of the one thing we cling to most--control. So much is wrapped up in that: managing the present, security for the future, choosing to follow based on our understanding regardless of what the outcome of our obedience will be. It's excruciating to experience the loss of things directly because we have given up control, especially when we give up all guarantees of the outcome. But the result is an enormous blessing in disguise. It is freedom. A detachment of all that is not God and a freedom from enslavement to all that would come to us for our own sakes. The blessing is that we come to a place in our souls of enjoyment of God Himself, and God's blessing upon us for His sake.

Lest you credit me too much, I'm still in the process of seeing this bloom in my life and in my relationship with Matt. But what is important is that we are on the journey together. God has blessed us with new wine from a 14+year old vine. But that is not all.

"Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved." Matt 9:17

One of the most difficult periods we went through in our journey was at the hands of those who wanted to "help" us. Truly I believe their intentions were for good, but instead great harm was caused. They thought the best thing for us would be to help us into an "understanding" of what was going on, and to force us into having to deal with all the enormity of that confusion together...one which neither of us was ready or capable of understanding at the time. And unfortunately, they were going ahead of the Spirit of God in us as individuals and in our relationship. You see God was doing something so new and different that our old wineskins couldn't hold it. The old needed to go: The love of each other for selfish reasons. The need to control each other and each other's relationship with God. The habits of using each other to try and meet the wants and needs and holes in our hearts. Though we didn't understand it, God was doing deep, deep things that take time. Interestingly, God is never in as much of a hurry to "get us out of harm's way" as everyone else is. God is never afraid to allow the deep lessons that take time to ripen in our lives and our relationships. Through all the pressing down and squeezing, Matt and I held on to God throughout our struggles, and in that one choice alone, were given the ability to hold on to each other over the long haul. The deep sweet work that God was doing in us needed a new place to dwell. New wineskins needed to be formed before we were able to partake with each other of the new wine that God was making within us.

So many things we have learned...but more than anything we never would have gotten to the point we are at without grace. Sometimes God asks us to extend grace to each other for going through what we don't understand. Perhaps it's something we aren't given the capacity to understand for ourselves, much less for another.

A couple of months ago, Matt and I talked in depth about what it was like for him to go through having extreme anxiety issues through most of his formative years. He could barely understand what was going on himself, much less help those around him to understand. He didn't know how to fix it. And much of the time he had to deal with other people's shallow "advice" on how to handle something they had no concept of. It gave us a deep point of connection. Matt could understand much about how I felt, even though he couldn't understand what I was going through. And I was able to feel a deep empathy for his struggle that I never had before.

Sometimes God asks us to extend grace to each other for not understanding what we go through...for not even having the capacity or desire to understand. There was a significant moment in my journey where I realized I this. I was sitting in Ted's living room, and was feeling an enormous pressure to explain to Matt all that I have been through, all of my experiences and thoughts and feelings...like somehow I needed a release of liability before we could move forward. Yet I realized that no matter how much I wanted to explain, and in fact, the more that I might try, the farther he would actually come to an understanding of the truth. And Ted looked at me and said, "Then why would you do that?" I had to admit that I had expectations of Matt I wasn't willing to let go of. That I was caving to my perceptions of everyone else's expectations of Matt and I through the process. That I felt like I needed to explain myself to Matt so that no one else's interpretation could ever threaten us. Even though--get this--Matt had none of those expectations. He didn't feel the need to understand it all. And I realized that because I had walked my journey to the best of my understanding in obedience to God, that we could weather those accusations if and when they should arise.

In the end, Matt and I had to choose to allow each other our own journey, our own experiences and our own choices. The most important choice being to follow God...and love each other. It's a wonderful thing after 14 years to realize that you are together not only because at some point a long time ago you made a promise you can't break, but because you still choose to be...more than that, you still want to be. Matt decided he wanted me--no matter what understanding I have of my experiences. His willingness to allow me the freedom to come to an understanding of my journey in a time and in a way that I believe is most honoring to God and His work in my life was the deepest expression of true love I have ever experienced. Matt didn't need to earn my love and respect...but he did. In every way he stepped up and into the man I desired him to be--and that God was asking him to become. He kept his vows to me and loved me in the most deeply meaningful way I can think of--he lived out his promises to me and gave me a true sanctuary--safety in grace.

We must be willing to give God "permission" (in other words we must yield) to take one another through those things, to allow God to speak to us as individuals, and accept that our role is not necessarily to have understanding, but to have love, and an ability to listen to one another and to God--over time. That ability is something God must grow in us.

We must be willing to be patient with each other. We must gain each other's trust by becoming a safe place for sharing to happen. And there is no shortcut--the path is learning to listen to God as we listen to each other, and trusting Him to speak in His time and in His way. As that safe place is solidified, we earn the trust of the other who can risk sharing more and more. The common thread is a humility which says, "I don't, I can't, and I may never understand what you are going through--but I love you and I am committed to you." A humility which says, "I can't help you understand what I'm going through, but I can imagine how frustrating it is not to understand. It is enough, more than enough that you love me and accept me without understanding. We don't have to agree on everything, but we can stand listening to God together and wait upon Him for enlightenment within the context of His grace toward us and our grace toward each other. In our lack of understanding, in our humility, in our grace, and in our love for one another we are one."

This is a new wineskin that will not burst under pressure. It is a safe sanctuary for the wonderful sweet fruit from the vine. Matt and I have a new way of yielding our lives to God for His purposes; and yielding each other, and our relationship unto the God who must come first--this is our new wineskin. Not that we understand it all at this point, but we are willing not to. We are willing to be patient and obedient in the meantime. Meanwhile, we are enjoying the blessing of each other and our family with a richness and sweetness that only comes after the wine press.

Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord. Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:5-8

Photo: Grace holding grapes...before the winepress.

NY Day 1

Squeeze me a little...

and make me wine!

fall vineyard

Matt Hilfiger


Kiss my pumpkin!


At Miles on the lake

Hey all--I know, I'm not getting the pics up fast.
Here's a few from day 1.
I have some great moments I'd like to share,
(and some I won't :-) but I haven't had time to put it all together!!!

14 Years

Established Nov. 5 1994

Good Company...

I'm fond of books. Unusually fond I think. When I moved to Brazil at the age of 9 I was a very unhappy and angry little girl. And so I escaped to books. In fourth grade I discovered Ann of Green Gables and Gordon MacDonald. Through my elementary and highschool years I would read incessantly. I would take books in class and hide them beneath my desk so my teachers wouldn't see that I wasn't paying attention. I would close my bedroom door and stuff a towel at the bottom so my parents wouldn't see the light was still on way past midnight on a school night. Often I would finish a book at 2 AM and start another one until 4. I never got carsick reading and would read for 12 hours straight in the car.
I always read (past tense) fiction. My junior high years were all about romance novels (clean ones back then...you know the kind where they finally kiss at the end.) In highschool I got snotty and decided I wanted to read important fiction so I started reading the classics. Loved Jane Austin. Loved Charles Dickens. And sometimes I would just read to read, and I wouldn't even know what I was reading but I loved the feeling of escape from the world that it gave me. Which is probably why I rarely ever read fiction any more. (Unless Ted tells me to. I'll read anything he tells me to read.) The rare fiction exceptions in the last few years that I would recomend would be The Poisonwood Bible and My Name is Asher Lev. These were quite profound and spoke to me and my experiences. I'm sure there's more good fiction out there, but unless its really well written, when it comes to fiction entertainment, I'd usually rather watch the movie.
At this stage in my journey I read to live, and so most of my reading is non-fiction. I like to read how-to books--mostly the ones I pick up now are on photography, cooking/recipes, and gardening--when I'm reading for fun. But the most powerful books are usually the ones that tell people's stories, or books that reflect what people have learned throughout their journeys. Even the best theology is written in life not just theory.
The picture shows you what I'm reading now. Not for the faint hearted for sure.
I'm just starting "Tortured for Christ" by Richard Wurmbrand. In the first chapter the pastor has an opportunity to speak to a communist congress and is supposed to say that they are "god ordained." All the other Christian leaders are caving to the pressure. And his wife says, "Richard, stand up and wash away this shame from the face of Christ! They are spitting in his face." He says to his wife, "If I do so, you lose your husband." She said, "I don't wish to have a coward as a husband." Not exactly the kind of stuff you get in the "Tender Moments for Couples" devotional, eh? But its really good stuff. I wish more marriages that I know of reflected a love for Christ that far exceeds their love for each other. Or perhaps it is better said that a couple's love for one another so stems from a love of Christ and a desire to be obedient to Christ that it compels them to encourage one another to sacrifice all for Christ even if it means the loss of one another.
Makes me think. What does it mean to love our spouses like that? What does it mean to love our children like that? (Now that's way over the top.) But in reading this book...I'm looking at a man who lived those questions. I wonder if we ever will? It reminds me of something I wrote on the book of Lamentations...I'll have to dig it up...look for it next week cause I've got wine, waterfalls, and windows (stained glass) on my mind this weekend.
I'll make sure I take lots of pictures.
Oh, and take this post as my encouragement to curl up by a soft light, under a snuggly blanket, with a warm mug of something and READ. It's why God gives us cold weather. (Yes, He told me so...ok, no He didn't, but He could have.)

Wrapped up in the moment...

With all the excitement and emotion, the laughter and the chaos of yesterday, my favorite moment of Emily's Birthday is all wrapped up in this picture.
It was taken about 4PM...after all her 20+ friends had gone and it was just family here.

She had been smiling for 10 hours, opened tons of presents and had been the center of attention at every turn. She was about to go out on the town with Aunt Jean and be royally spoiled.

But in this little half hour down in the basement with us, we got to celebrate in the quiet our love for Emily. Sarah got her spots on her (note the robe). Grace was so great about letting her little sister be in the limelight all day. And this present she's opening? It's a seven dollar Petshop playdough toy. The kind where you squeeze the playdough out their heads and it comes out like stringy hair. I LOVED that when I was a kid, so I thought it would be fun to share it with her. And the size of her smile made me glad I did. I was so pleased with her because she was so sweet and kind to everyone, and most of all--she was grateful--for the big things and the little things that happened throughout the day.

She called me twice while she was out with Aunt Jean to keep me posted on all the exciting things they were doing...like going to Friendly's and Build A Bear and Claire's and how she was going to get to drink in the bath with bubbles and candles (hope that was juice Jean, and yes, Emily was talking in run on sentences very fast.) But even in the midst of all that she paused and said, "Mom, thank you for everything you did to make my day special."

And especially in that moment, I was grateful that I did.

You're welcome Em&m.

Very welcome.

Happy 7th Birthday.

Unless

Floorline

photo by bgrace

What would it take to shake your faith?

Have you ever thought about it?

Where that invisible line lies on the floor of your soul that, once crossed, will leave you grasping for solid ground, rethinking everything you once believed, wondering who God is since He's not who you thought He was?

I can still believe unless...

I can't have faith in God anymore unless...

You do realize that you have that line, don't you?

Wonder where that line is? You probably don't know. In fact, I don't think any of us really know...but God does.

What if He chooses to increase our faith in Him by crossing it?

(Pun intended.)

I've seen it happen...

to my friend, when the church cast her out when she was honest about a lifelong struggle with homosexuality. Her Mom repeatedly called her on the phone to tell her to repent or she would go to hell. She wasn't allowed around her nieces in case they could be harmed by her, though she is one of the most gentle, loving people I know. Even though she prayed and prayed for God to take these feelings away and He didn't but allowed her to suffer at the hands of those who call themselves "His," those who would never have any idea what she has experienced. She reached her unless.

...to friends whose child died of cancer after suffering severely even though they prayed every day since he was born for good health. They reached their unless.

And I saw it happen when God clearly spoke to a friend and made her a promise and asked her to follow Him in something so hard that it almost cost her her sanity. And then He didn't come through...at least not in the way she thought. So she picked up the pieces and then He asked her a second time to be obedient and trust and it seemed He wouldn't come through again. And she reached her unless.

Sometimes God takes us past the line of our unless to humble us and to show us that we have that line.

Sometimes He takes us past that line to raise up the things we think about God against the truth of God and sift and expand our understanding of God. (Yes, God is faithful, but in what way? How? When? How does my understanding of God need to be expanded or rethought?)

Sometimes He stretches us out until we almost snap because He is strengthening us to stand through even greater duress.

And then there are the times when He takes us to the point where it seems everything and everyone has failed us, including God Himself, to show us that even in those times and through those times He is faithful and has been faithful all along...faithful enough to shake us hard enough to strengthen and purify our faith in Him.

When you have truly sold yourself (my all for Yours) to Christ in and through the deepest part of your soul, there is NOTHING more precious to you than your faith in Him. (Except Himself, but that can be of small comfort when you feel you can't trust Him.)

My friend is a great example of this...because when God came through at her threadbare state of faith and sent her a check for 45,000 dollars, she was so absolutely overjoyed that He was after all faithful, that writing that check over to the one she had pledged it to in faith was simply a glorious benefit that came along with the painful experience of her faith being stretched. Maybe to some the giving up of that kind of money would have been a great sacrifice. To her it was nothing, NOTHING compared with the fulfilling of God's promise to provide if she would be obedient. 45,000 was given to the kingdom, but a more steadfast faith was the far greater treasure given to my friend.

Are we willing to be taken past our unless?

How far?

Here is an excerpt I read today from A.W. Tozer that is very challenging regarding our faith. It is a bit lengthy, but well worth the time.

Faith is a Perturbing Thing

The faith of Paul and Luther was a revolutionizing thing. It upset the whole life of the individual and made him into another person altogether. It laid hold on the life and brought it under obedience to Christ. It took up its cross and followed along after Jesus with no intention of going back. It said goodbye to its old friends as surely as Elijah when he stepped into the fiery chariot and went away in the whirlwind. It had a finality about it. It snapped shut on a man's heart like a trap; it captured the man and made him from that moment forward a happy loveservant of his Lord. It turned earth into a desert and drew heaven within sight of the believing soul. It realigned all life's actions and brought them into accord with the will of God. It set its possessor on a pinnacle of truth from which spiritual vantage point he viewed everything that came into his field of experience. It made him little and God big and Christ unspeakable dear. All this and more happened to a man when he received the faith that justifies.

Came the revolution, quietly, certainly, and put another construction upon the word "faith." Little by little the whole meaning of the word shifted from what it had been to what it is not. And so insidious was the change that hardly a voice has been raised to warn against it. But the tragic consequences are all around us.

Faith now means no more than passive moral acquiescence in the Word of God and the cross of Jesus. To exercise it we have only to rest our one knee and nod our heads in agreement with the instructions of a personal worker intent upon saving our soul. The general effect is much the same as that which men feel after a visit to a good and wise doctor. They come back from such a visit feeling extra good withal smiling just a little sheepishly to think how many fears they had entertained about their health when actually there was nothing wrong with them. The just needed a rest.

Such a faith as this does not perturb people. It comforts them. It does not put their hip out of joint so that they halt upon their thigh; rather it teaches them deep breathing exercises and improves their posture. The face of their ego is washed and their self-confidence is rescued from discouragement. All this they gain, but they do not get a new name as Jacob did, nor do they limp into the eternal sunlight. "As he passed over Penuel the sun rose upon him." That was Jacob--rather, that was Israel, for the sun did not shine much upon Jacob. It was ashamed to. But it loved to rest upon the head of the man whom God had transformed...The faith of Christ will command or it will have nothing to do with a man. It will not yield to experimentation. Its power cannot reach any man who is secretly keeping an escape route open in case things get too tough for him. The only man who can be sure he has true Bible faith is the one who has put himself in a position where he cannot go back. His faith has resulted in an everlasting and irrevocable committal, and however strongly he may be tempted he always replies, "Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life."

(From The Root of the Righteous, by A.W. Tozer)

I'm so grateful for the lives of my friends who have wrestled through the times God has taken them through their unless. I am challenged by their perseverance and their tenacity. It renews my strength to endure and persevere when I see them grasp on to God in the midst of great temptation to let go their hold. And it renews my faith when I see him show up in big ways--or even small ways--simply because I see that He keeps His word.

I've reached my unless so many times over the past few years I have lost count. But each time the Lord has renewed and strengthened my faith in HIM. With each renewal I have had to go through a violent refining. My faith cannot rest, even for a breath, in myself, or my own understanding or abilities. I have understood too little and weakened too often. It can only rest on Him. For this I am grateful...and expectant.

"The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it."

I Thess. 5:24