Midnight Lessons

photo by Bgrace

"If you carefully observe all these commands I am giving you to follow--to love the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, and to hold fast to Him--then the Lord will drive out all these nations before you, and you will dispossess nations larger and stronger than you. Every place where you set your foot will be yours. Your territory will extend from the desert to Lebanon, and from the Euphrates River to the Western Sea. No man will be able to stand against you. The Lord your God as He promised you, will put terror and fear of you in the whole land, wherever you go."

I woke up tonight from a sound sleep and all the anger I've been feeling over the last few days just rose right up to the surface of my soul. I didn't know I was angry, it's funny how sometimes things get clearer in the middle of the night.

And here's what I realized. I should fight my battles upward before I fight them outward.

The whole part about the Lord driving out nations larger and stronger than you has to begin with a deep assurance, a deep realization, a deep confidence, a deep rest, and a deep trust that where you set your foot is where He wants you to go.

In my anger, I'd spiraled all the way back to the whole, "Why aren't you defending me God?" pit I often find myself in. And after I'd screamed myself tired (silently of course, so as not to wake anyone) the still small voice came.

"Defending you to whom?"

My soul quieted immediately, like the boat after the quieted storm. I wanted God to defend me to others, but what I needed was for God to reassure me before Him. When that peace which surpasses understanding began to seep into my spiritual pores, I realized I should have never gone into battle without it. In fact, I realized that with that reassurance the battle would have been unnecessary. (Which tells me that I was fighting for myself, not for God.) Because when I am at rest in God's work in my life, my striving ceases, and my need to protect myself dies. If I had been able to bow out of the center of the circle, and allow God his rightful place I would have been strong enough to walk forward simply speaking from the storehouse of the things I have learned so that I might be helpful. Doesn't that rest that He gives have a power in itself? Is it perhaps one of the ways God shows His presence? I didn't heed the "Hold fast to Him." I started to try to hold on to myself. And then I got mad at God for not helping me.

Thank you, God, for wrapping my arms back around You.

The war we wage on the inside is so much weightier than the one we wage on the outside. It can destroy us, or it can give us the power to walk through the bloodiest of battles unharmed. And the difference lies in whether or not we walk not only in truth, but in the assurance that our foot goes where He leads us. I am reminded over and over again how often and how deeply the journey leads us back to where it began.

Back to Faith.

Please strengthen mine, Lord. Please strengthen mine.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."