My food

Photo by Bgrace

"Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, "Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Christ?" They came out of the town and made their way toward him. Meanwhile his disciples urged him, "Rabbi, eat something." But he said to them, "I have food to eat that you know nothing about." Then his disciples said to each other, "Could someone have brought him food?" "My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. Do you not say, 'Four months more and then the harvest'? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest."
John 4:28-35

The longer I look at this passage, the more I realize that Jesus probably had time to eat some bread if he had wanted to.
The woman at the well , having just had a very moving conversation with Jesus, had gone back to call her townspeople. The disciples watched her leave, astonished that Jesus was talking to a woman, but decided to address the most pressing issue at hand. "Rabbi, eat something."
Jesus was tired out from His journey. So while the disciples went to the city to buy food, He had rested by Jacob's well. They knew He was hungry. The people of the town were making their way to Him. He could have broken a big piece of the loaf off and downed it with some water quickly. You know, so He would have extra energy to minister to the whole bunch who were coming.
But instead, He says, "I have food." "Food you know nothing about."
I must admit, reading this passage helps me to identify with the disciples and their confusion and frustration at Jesus' unexpected responses. They never seem to know if He is speaking literally or symbolically...and really they're just trying to do their job. But as Jesus is known to do, after He has just ministered to a woman, right before He begins to minister to a townful of people, He pauses to teach them about the deeper significance of what is going on. He gives them an eternal perspective in a temporal setting. And He tells them about how to be empowered in it.
Human wisdom would say, "Eat, get strong so you can do the work." Jesus says, "This is a different harvest, leave space in your body for a different kind of food." It's not that He doesn't have time to eat. It's that He is staying empty to make room to be filled to do Spirit work.

In the last few months I've come a long way in my journey with food. Well, it goes back farther than that. Four years ago I had a very interesting "conversation" with the Lord about food. But I didn't understand it. It was about the time the Lord had told me to quit seminary. I went through this really interesting experience where the Lord kept leading me to all my favorite foods over the course of a few days. Then one day, we were having some friends over for a Brazilian churrasco (BBQ) and the Lord told me, "Only vegetables." Now, you have to understand that a Brazilian churrasco is all about the meat. Especially steak. So it was a little awkward to explain to my friends that I was only having vegetables for a steak dinner. You have no idea how much I love to eat Brazilian steak. But I obeyed and ate an assortment of grilled vegetables, and to my surprise, found that they were delicious and I was actually satisfied. Here's the funny thing. The Lord told me I could have wine and chocolate for dessert. I remembered that I had some gourmet dark chocolate that a friend had given me and I relished every bite along with some delicious sweet wine.
After that night I never really had any real clarity about my eating for a long time. I was pregnant and sick all the time. And then I really didn't have to worry much about my eating because internally I was such a mess that food just went right through me. But over the last year things have changed. I experienced a lot of healing and found a lot of blessing and enjoyment in food. I started to enjoy cooking again, and found a lot of pleasure in ministering to others with food as well.
But I also started to learn fasting. Fasting isn't really something you can just know about. To understand it, you have to engage in it. There is a big difference between dieting and fasting. With dieting, you're basically trying to feel as full as you can eating as few calories as possible. With fasting, you are actually welcoming the feeling of emptiness.
My ability to fast has grown. At first I was only able to fast completely from food for 24 hours. Then I was able to increase it to 36 hours. Then I found that I could do a 36 hour fast, eat one meal, and do another 36 hours. Eventually I increased to 48 and then 72 hours. But the month of June I felt was different for me. The Lord has been doing some really amazing things in my life spiritually, and I had an expectation of this and sensed He was leading me to empty myself for a time of receiving. So I decided I would abstain from meat and wine for this month, and then do more as I felt led. The first week I woke up one morning and felt led to do a complete fast (only water). It turned out I had an unexpected and very important time with Mary. I realized the Lord prepared me for that. For the last 10 days I have been on a different kind of fast. I decided to do a 10 day prayer fast with a friend. I have only been drinking water and eating vegetables. (Fortunately melons are technically a vegetable.) But during this time the Lord has been speaking to me and asking something more of me. I had been reading about the Daniel fast--which interprets Daniel's diet to include vegetables, fruit, nuts, unprocessed whole grains (no yeast), and vegetable oils. He brought me back to His words to me from 4 years ago. "Only vegetables." And as the realization dawned on me that He was asking me to make this long term, everything in me recoiled. "No surf or turf, no cheese, no cookies, no bread????? Seriously? For how long?" And there was just quiet. "Hmmmm...You're not telling me how long, are you?" I said to myself, "How will I ever feel full? No matter how much fruit and vegetables I eat I never really feel full." And that's when it all clicked. It's about NOT feeling full. It's about a constant sense of emptiness, a giving up of a physical blessing in order to turn my eyes heavenward to receive spiritual food.
It has taken me a few days. At first I saw it and didn't think I could bend my will to submit. But God is so gracious in helping us to desire what He desires if we open ourselves up to it. And now I'm praying for the grace to actually follow through as long as He asks. (I'm going to plan on at least through September.) I'm not following the Daniel fast exactly, per say. For the most part, my diet will be mainly fruits and vegetables, legumes, nuts and a few grains like oats and brown rice. But I'm allowing myself natural maple syrup (and eventually maybe honey) as a sweetener. And the Lord keeps telling me I can have wine and chocolate. So that's a special gift.
I thought about starting it at the beginning of July. You know, so I could get a few pizzas and cookies in before the end of the month. But when I searched my heart I realized I didn't want to. I wanted the spiritual blessings more. So tonight we'll break our fast with unleavened whole wheat crackers for communion and a fruit, nut, and dark chocolate fondue to celebrate. But I'm going forward in what the Lord is asking of me, not backward. And then in July I'll celebrate with wine!! Though I realize that I can't possibly drink more than one glass of wine at a time without becoming a lush because I'll be fairly empty!
So I guess my point, after all this, is to say that Jesus didn't always abstain from eating. But there were particular times when He abstained because He needed OTHER food. A different kind of food for an important call.
Finally, the Lord woke me up two days ago from a dream. It was interesting: I was at Cedarville and I was on a tour of their Theology School. There were two degrees I could take because I was a woman. One was the "pastor's wife" degree and the other was the "single missionary" degree. Their idea of the perfect Godly woman. And I went to the help desk and asked the man there, "So, just to clarify, you don't allow women in your seminary, do you?" And he shook his head and said, "No." And I went to argue with him about it, and then I had an aha moment in my dream. Why would I argue with him to let me in his seminary? I don't belong there.
I awoke with a start. And I asked the Lord if He was speaking to me. At first I really wondered if the Lord was telling me to go back to Seminary. Which of course I would love, except this is just not good timing. I'm praying about doing cyberschool with the girls next year, and we are going to be doing a lot of traveling, we have other plans for our finances...
I thought and prayed about it, and Daniel came to mind. How when he fasted the Lord gave knowledge, skill, wisdom, and insight into visions and dreams. And I realized that in some way the Lord was making a connection for me. I have understood for a while that the reason the Lord took me out of Seminary is that He had a different kind of school for me. And I understand that this is a special time. He wants to teach me. And He is showing me my part. Right now, my food is of a different kind.
And somehow, I feel strangely...satisfied.