Composing

Vulnerable, unedited by Bgrace

You ask me to walk in dark places

You call me to be your light

Lord, will not the darkness taint me?

Shall I not be consumed?

For my heart is corruptible

My body destructible

My spirit so vulnerable, so easily wounded.

How can I stand?

And then I heard her sing:

I will not be moved. And I'll say of the Lord,

You are my Shield

My Strength

My Portion

Deliverer

My Shelter

Strong Tower

My very present help in time of need.*

*Lyrics in italics are from

Hillsong United, You Are My Shield

Yesterday, I was standing in church having a hard time worshipping. It wasn't exactly the state of my heart. It's just that I've become hyper sensitive to worship leaders drawing us so much into their experience of worship that it's hard to have your own. There is something about it that feels manipulative. I truly don't believe that is their intention. And I'm sure I've been guilty of the same thing in the past. But it doesn't change the fact that there are moments when I don't feel like I can honestly participate. (One of the things I really appreciate about Matt, the Worship Pastor, is that he has a gift for not intruding on people's spiritual space to worship--he wasn't there yesterday.) But I digress.

So instead of singing, my thoughts turned to the conversation I was having with Matt (my husband) on the way to church. I was sharing with him about some things that have been going on at work. I really do believe the Lord has led me there, and I love my job, but sometimes the darkness I encounter when I'm there overwhelms me. Honestly, it's really hard not to get drawn into it all.

My frustration with the situation turned itself into a prayer, and the lines sort of found a rythm I wanted to remember, so I sat down, fished some paper and a pen out of my purse and became oblivious to everything else around me. I finished writing the last question and the chorus of the song being sung broke into my thoughts. I realized it was the perfect answer to the question I had just written.

My heart opened itself tenderly, realizing that the Lord had answered me and met me in a very personal way. I was able to respond in a spontaneous and deeply meaningful worship.

It reminded me of Ken's hand dance of reciprocity. He put his hands up and first moved his right hand--it was more agile, more flexibe in it's dance compared to the left hand. But the left hand was often stronger, steadier--helpful in supporting so the right hand could be free. He moved his hands beautifully and created a meaningful picture of how one hand moves and encourages a response in the other which in turn moves the other hand to respond to it. It can be a picture of people in relationship, or a picture of us in relationship with God.

I moved toward God and He responded, then He moved in response to me and created a response in me.

That's what it's like to dance with someone.

That's what it feels like when I write.