Strength

Last night, I was driving Grace home from COBALT and she was talking a mile a minute. I have never seen the child so enthralled. It was her first practice for the Nutcracker. "Mom, this was the best day of my whole life." "I made new friends, my teacher is so fun, and we learned a whole dance that was so cool." She continued, "I thought it was going to be more strict ballet, and I didn't know if I could take 2 more hours of it, but it wasn't anything like that."

I was really happy for her. I explained to her that it was because she was working so hard in her ballet classes that she was able to actually be a part of that performance. There are exceptions of course, but generally the more we are trained in the fundamentals and disciplined, the more we are prepared to move with grace and agility in the dance. When we don't need to concentrate on learning the mechanics we are freer to express our hearts with beauty and depth and lose ourselves in the music...and the music Maker.

Which brings me to the topic of food. My food.

Perhaps this excerpt from The Book of the Poor in Spirit will help explain my journey a bit.

"The first natural work is bodily, such as eating, drinking and sleeping, and all this man should purify so that he may not stray from God. Above all, one should observe measure and moderation...neither too much or too little, on the via media between excess and too little. In this measure the work remains pure and well directed in God, but without this proper balance it is neither pure nor well directed. If a poor spirit directs all his actions according to God, they are pure.

...what a man eats or drinks should be consumed in the Holy Spirit. For the heart of man ought to burn with the love of the Holy Spirit and the strength which man has taken from his meal the Holy Spirit draws to Himself and burns it in the fire of charity, making it completely spiritual. Thus, instead of a bodily force, man becomes a spiritual force which surpasses all bodily powers. Men like this are truly spiritual, and their eating is dearer to God than the fasting of others, and those who so eat actually consume God Himself. And God consumes in them what they eat and drink. To give strength to these men is to give strength to the work of God, in which God is well pleased, and in which He purifies all things in time."

I wrote a note beside this passage which says, "I want to be one to whom when God gives something to me, it is as if He were investing it directly in the work of the kingdom."

When God asked me to go "not even vegan" the only motivating factors for me were obedience and learning discipline, learning to subdue the flesh. It's been said before that if you can be disciplined in this area (eating and drinking) all others will fall into place. I don't know if that is true, but after the last couple of months I sure hope so. I have had really good stretches and then all out defections.

I've had to come to terms with the fact that I will have to grow into this and that I will have to bend at certain points. For instance, if I had all day and all the money in the world to prepare food, I could probably keep to every jot and tittle. But I don't. So if there is a trace amount of purified cane sugar juice in my granola I'm not going to sweat it.

I've also had to deal with the reality that, when you are a woman, there are certain times during your cycle where your body NEEDs that extra amount of protein. I mean, my body was actually ANGRY. It was the weirdest experience. I'm learning to listen to my body and if I need extra protein I seek the Lord about having some eggs or salmon. I've also learned there are certain things I need to keep handy to be successful--hummus (spinach artichoke is my favorite), guacamole, salsa, corn chips, whole wheat tortillas, cashews, potatoes, artichokes, tomatoes, greens, rice, pasta, (I've learned I like spinach linguine and brown rice noodles better than 100% whole wheat), and bananas. Having a big pot of homemade vegetable soup in the fridge is incredibly helpful. I can only go so long without these before I give in to temptation and make Matt take me out for honey mustard wings or drive the girls to Dunkin Donuts.

Eating fruits and vegetables isn't all that bad.It's the length of time that is hard. It's learning to allow it to become the way I eat. Not that I don't make exceptions for celebrations, but then it's hard to reign in the cravings for sugar and meat and bread and FAT afterwards. It's about self-denial. It's about emptying to be filled. And lately what I'm learning is that it's about the grace of God.

I finally got to the point a two weeks ago where I had it out with God. My flesh was SO strongly objecting to all of this and I just wanted what I wanted--to EAT. So I did. And you have no idea how well you can eat until you work for a classically trained french chef who loves to feed you and thinks you're too skinny. I ate anything and everything and as much as I wanted of it.

And you know what? I soon felt awful. "No fair." "You've ruined me to good food." I complained to God. In the midst of my frustration I prayed. I just knew I had to move forward but I didn't have the strength.

"I'm at the end of me." I couldn't do it anymore but I really wanted to--deeply wanted to. So I prayed the prayer so many have prayed at this point. "I need Your grace, Your power to do Your will."

So every day I started to do what I could do and asked the Lord to keep helping me to yield. Slowly I got back on the wagon. This week, even in the midst of all the craziness of our schedules and not having time to shop, I've been able to consult the Lord about what I put in my body and I have been able to submit. (And last night I went to Cosco and stocked up on good goodies.) I know that His grace is at work because I feel very content. My body feels right again and I have felt spiritually empowered. Ready.

Last night when I was outside Grace's dance class the Lord gave me a Divine Appointment. A mother of Grace's classmates and I began to talk and I learned she was a Christian and had a burden for street children. She asked me many questions about my understanding of what I witnessed in Brazil and I began to tell her about my burden for those abused in sex trafficking. As she talked she couldn't stop the tears from falling and she couldn't quite understand why she couldn't stop being so "emotional" about it all. I smiled gently and I said, "I don't think what you are experiencing is just an emotional response. It is touching you so deeply because the Spirit of God is calling you." She nodded in agreement but expressed a lostness about how to proceed. "He calls you and then He'll make you ready. Yield to that work in your life. Get rid of the superlatives, the distractions. Focus on Him and when it's time you will be prepared for the work He wants to do with you." It was an unusual first conversation, but it won't be our last.

Later, as I was driving home, Grace was chattering happily about how a girl named Faith was her partner in the Russian dance. I was processing my earlier conversation with a deal of wonder. I realized that I was feeling something I haven't felt in quite a while. It was strength--an inner strength of a spiritual kind. The kind of strength you feel when you know you are walking in truth and in power and the Holy Spirit is working and moving in the Kingdom through you. It's a wonderful, satisfying, filling feeling.

Maybe it's what happens when I come to the end of myself.

Maybe it's what happens when I yield.

Maybe it's what happens when the Spirit of God in me subdues the lust of the flesh.

Maybe it's what happens when my food really is to do the will of the Father in heaven.

Maybe it's what happens when Grace and Faith dance together.

Photo from festivaldance.org