No More Than Four

"Sarah, come here.  I need to talk to you about something very important," I said.  She trotted over to my bedside where I had been reading and cocked her head to one side and squinted expectantly at me. 
"I can't tell you until you sit on my lap, it's very important."
She obligingly crawled up onto the bed and squatted on my belly and started squishing my cheeks together with her hands.  With as much seriousness as I could muster between squished cheeks I said,
"Sarah, you are not allowed to grow up any more.  Do you see my hand?"  I splayed my fingers in front of her face.  "How many is this?" 
"FIVE!" she shouted a little too loudly for the distance between us. 
"Right!" I said, "You are not allowed to do this."  I pointed to my hand.  "Only this," I said as I put my thumb down and showed her four fingers.  She giggled and then saucily asked, "Why?"
"Because if you turn five I won't have a baby anymore," I sighed in my saddest voice.  She laughed and squished my cheeks again. 
"Mommy, you're just kiddin'," she giggled.
"Well," I said, "Do you promise to be my baby forever even if your not a baby anymore?" 
"I promise!" she said firmly.  Then she added, "Daddy said I can have a playdate with Drew."
Lord help me, I'm not ready for that.  She skipped happily away and I was left to wonder how soon the last of her babyness would vanish. 
Since the beginning of the year I have spent a lot of time focusing on the idea of reverence, the fear of the Lord. 
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Prov. 9:10
I'm learning so much, but I've been reluctant to share my thoughts because the subject seems so beyond the reach of words.  It's become so much a part of my world that it eventually begins to leak into my writings and I'm trying to be willing to share some of my thoughts and experiences.  I've tried to allow the fear of the Lord be the basis of everything.  Not there yet, trust me.  But it has changed the way I look at everything from spending money to eating, to writing, to working...well everything really.  Today, as I was getting ready for Sarah's Birthday party, I began to process why we celebrate.  Why do we honor people's birthdays?  And I felt it was a good and important thing to celebrate Sarah.  Sarah is important to God.  Important to our family.  Important to this world. 
Sarah was a very special baby to me.  She gave me a will to live beyond myself.  She also kept me away from numbing myself with narcotics during a time when I was going through excruciating pain.  I didn't want to take any medication that would harm my baby.  What I went through during that time was so important, and Sarah not only gave me the will to get through it, but to get through it with my eyes wide open.  I can hardly believe it was four years ago.  I remember the night she was born. My room was dark but the curtain was open to the city lights.  Matt was sleeping in the chair next to me.  I think it was about 2:30 AM.  I held Sarah in my arms and the tears streamed down my face.  I knew at that moment that all that I had gone through was worth it if the only thing I ever gained from it was her.  I still feel that way.
As I thought of all the new year might open up for Sarah, I realized that Matt and I are marking a period of closure as well.  About a year after Sarah was born, Matt and I decided we would not have anymore children.  It was a decision I prayed over very carefully.  Matt decided that he would be the one to have surgery and I believed that was the right decision.  But about two years ago I began to sense an opening in my spirit in a different direction.  I thought a lot about adopting a Brazilian boy, and even that when we visited my parents it would be good to look into it.  I was hoping my Brazilian citizenship might make the process less complicated.  But when I brought the idea up to Matt he was really firm that it was not what he wanted.  I knew I needed to respect that.  So Brazil came and went and yet still I felt an opening in my spirit.  I also knew that I could never pressure or guilt Matt into something like this.  If it was God's will than God would put the desire in his heart as well.  This would have to be brought about through Divine workings.
Now, I have to explain some things that are going to seem like they don't have anything to do with the last paragraph, but hold on for a bit because they do.
Whenever I see a cardinal, I think of Matt.  I guess you could say there is a symbolism in it for me.  And a few months ago, for reasons I could not explain, I started to feel very impressed by the color yellow, with red accents.  It is not uncommon for the Lord to speak to me through colors, but this one had me stumped. 
One afternoon I was at Rev. Mary's house and we were talking about birds, and how I often feel like God uses birds to teach me.  (Remind me to repost my story about seagulls.  I know--I keep saying I will do it, but I never do.  I'll figure it out soon.)  Anyways, Rev. Mary heartily agreed and was telling me some examples from her own journey.  ( I am so blessed to have her in my life, she makes me feel so normal.)  Just then I heard a loud tapping sound.  She smiled and said, "There's something you need to see. Go into my bedroom and peek very slowly around the doorway to the window."  I did as she said, all the while hearing the tapping  and as I saw the window I could hardly believe my eyes.  There, on the outside of the window was a beautiful yellow bird with hints of red tapping it's beak on the window like it was knocking and wanting to come in. 
I found myself in one of those moments where all the stuff that's been muddling about in your spirit collides with the physical world and all I could feel was awe.  But I didn't know what it meant.
"What kind of bird is that?"  I asked.
"It's the female cardinal." she said. 
The moment her words touched my ears the Lord shocked me so hard I had to hold myself up against the wall to keep from falling.  She was also aware of it and suggested I might need a moment.  We sat in the living room.  "What do you think the Lord is saying to you Becky?" she said calmly. 
"Well, the red cardinal is Matt," I said to Mary.  "I've known that for a while, but I didn't know the female cardinal was yellow."  I thought for a bit.  "God has been asking me for sometime what I want about something specific--about a birth."  I continued, "I thought He was just trying to help me want what He wants, but  now I'm actually beginning to feel like He's giving me a choice."  We talked through some possibilities of what it all could mean, if it was something in the natural or spiritual--but I still wasn't sure what the Lord was getting at. 
The next few weeks whenever I walked through the gardens I saw a pair of cardinals, one red and one yellow, carrying on like birds do in springtime.  The Lord kept asking me, "What do you want?"  I felt like He would walk me through my options, and then just as I thought I was sure I knew what I wanted He would show me another possibility or another way of looking at it all.  All the while he would place the question in my heart, "What do you want?"  At times I would get frustrated with the process and throw it back at Him, "I don't know what I want!  There's too many variables!  Just tell me what You want!  I want what You want!" 
Again He would help me to know more.  Finally I came to see that He was helping me to see the big picture--through His eyes.  This was why Vermeer's Painting was so significant to me.  I think in the end He knew I would desire what He desired, but He gave me the sweetness of  going through the process of allowing it to come from my deepest convictions, because it was the right decision, and because it became what I truly wanted, and not just because I thought God wanted me to want it.  It wasn't about just knowing, it was about becoming.  I knew my choice, and I knew God was pleased.  I'm not saying God gave me a guarantee.  I'm saying He allowed me to choose a possibility.
I never told Matt I was wrestling through any of this at the time.  Like I said earlier, I knew if his heart was going to change, it would have to be God's doing.  I sensed that something important was going to happen during our cruise to Bermuda, but I didn't know what to expect.  One night, we were headed back to our cabin after dinner and Matt had been flirting with babies all night.  He is a baby magnet and always points them out and coos over them.  I said to him lightheartedly, "I don't understand, you love babies so much but you don't want another one."  He answered quite seriously, "I never said that.  I said I didn't want to adopt.  If you want a baby, I will go get a reversal and we'll have another."  I was stunned.  "Really?" I said.  "You would do that?"  He was very sure, "Yes, I would."
There it was, handed to me on a platter.  No cajoling, no manipulating, no begging.  Like the Lord said, I had a choice.  But in the very words Matt chose was the affirmation that I had already made the right one.  If I wanted one, we would have one.  It wasn't what he wanted, though he would be willing to want it for me...because he loves me.  He was content, satisfied.  In that moment I felt peace that Sarah would be our last baby.  And she will always be our baby. 
It's funny, after I made my decision, the red faded from my yellow.  It was replaced with gray.  Sometimes gray represents a fogginess or confusion, a lack of clarity or even an emotional dullness.  But in the last few months the Lord has specifically been using it to represent wisdom to me--something I certainly want to welcome.  I know we all do.  The yellow speaks of light--which I hope to walk in as the Lord leads. 
Sarah's middle name is Madison.  It means son of Matthew, or in her case, child of Matthew.  Even though she came about through a time of great confusion, I know that she was a child we were chosen to have.  We are so blessed. 
You are so precious, Sarah Bear, SaSah, Babydoll, Princess...and yes, you will ALWAYS be our baby girl.
Tomorrow we'll go to the park and you can ride your new bike as long as you want...after all, it is your Birthday.
And tomorrow I will also post pictures of Sarah's Birthday party on The B Girls Blog (FYI Grandma and Grandpa).  The one at the top is Sarah by her Birthday tree.  (I hear butterflies like them, but that story is for another post.)