Photo by Bgrace
What I mean when I say "the Lord is giving it to me" is that He is opening up the blessing in it to me. We can get a lot of things. We can take them, we can buy them, we can make them, we can receive them. But when we've been given something by God, there is just this enormous gift in it simply because it is an outpouring of His love to us. The fact that He is bestowing it as a gift is the gift in itself.
Sometimes that comes in the simplest things. I'm not fasting right now, and it's funny how at times I feel so blessed by my cup of coffee with real sugar and cream--because I feel like He wants me to have it. Yesterday, throughout the entire day, I felt these little blessings in their fullness. Things that so often could have just happened and not even shown up on the radar screen of importance gave me so much joy. I needed to take Grace to dance and wasn't looking forward to the long car ride back alone. So I decided to take Sam with me. I just felt so blessed by his company. Then I almost cried when I saw Grace's dance teacher because she just has this anointing upon her that I can sense--to teach dance--and I don't even know a thing about where she is with God. I felt the fullness of God's gift to Grace in giving her such a perfect teacher. Last night I laid down with Sarah to help her fall asleep and she was all arms and elbows. But I noticed how she loved to make shadow puppets on the wall in the glow of her nightlight. She was so cute! Then she fell asleep with her little arms across my chest and I was in heaven. But only because God was opening up the blessing to me as a gift and my spirit was receptive. I was able to fully enter into it.
Sigh. It's why I can't go to the John Mayer concert this month. I mean--there should be absolutely no reason I couldn't go. I can afford to go if I am responsible with my finances. Matt said he would go with me. Jean said she would take me. It 's close by. The Lord has used him to bless me so much (and yes, I realize the guy's a mess--so don't preach at me). But I KNOW that I am not to go, and even though I would love to, I wouldn't enjoy it, it wouldn't bless me, and I would know that it wasn't a gift from God.
Discerning what is and what is not from God, and what He is giving to us or asking us to give away is such an important learning process. It is often so hard because it touches us in our most vulnerable places. We must be willing to give up and give away--He so wants us to be generous and willing to sacrifice. But God also wants to bless His children and for us not to receive what He is giving is an affront to Him. It is a distortion of our understanding of what it means to be in a loving relationship with a God who owns everything and wants to bless us with Himself and His creation. I'm beginning to understand that God wants to entrust those things which are dear to His heart to those who will care for them and appreciate the blessings wrapped within it. My heart aches over the process--and no, I don't always get it right. If you only knew how strenuous it is for me sometimes to receive because I want to know it is not coming from my flesh.
But then I can turn around and completely blow it on something stupid that I neglect to consult God about and wait for clarity. I'm so grateful that He is patient with me...and still chooses to continue to bless me. Of course the greatest blessing is always to give away. But sometimes there are seasons. And we need to trust Him to lead us both in our giving and receiving...and in our waiting to give and receive. It takes humility to receive. I am learning to trust the desires He places in my heart and ask Him to purify them and to meet them in a way that I know that I know that I know is Him.
And this room! How can I tell you about it so that you will understand? The light is like the most important thing. The morning sun shines in so bright. And the colors. And the floor...
I remember reading a few years back about how to create a sacred space for prayer or as a private sanctuary. One person suggested taking everything out of the room and leaving it empty for a while--then only putting back in what the Lord led you to--one thing at a time. I really loved that idea. I wanted to get everything out and just have the yellow walls and my blue rug in the middle of the floor. The idea of the empty space was so appealing to me. I wanted to know that everything I put back in the room was a blessing from God for that space. That it was what HE wanted.
My husband was not exactly too keen on the idea. (Especially since the Bruckner clan is going to descend upon us this weekend.) I did get all the seating out but the couch--we couldn't fit it through the doors of the basement. (My two chairs aren't painted or reupholstered yet.) And the bookshelves and the rock cabinet stayed, but I felt good about those being in the room. Both the books and the rocks carry a lot of meaning to me, so I knew they belonged. There's something about the black wood of the cabinets that speaks of authority to me--like the robe of a judge. Everything was off the walls and I positioned the couch against the long wall and we put up white blinds we had in the basement on the windows. I kept my black fleur de lis curtain rods but took down the curtains. I found a beautiful fleur de lis fabric and a godly woman who sews for others as her ministry who will make them for me when the Lord (and Matt) tells me I can buy the fabric. The only other thing in the room was the new blue oriental rug on the floor. It has traces of green and red and gold in it. Oh I love sitting in the empty yellow room with the newly painted white ceiling. We kept lamps in the room since there is no overhead lighting, but I prefer to sit in the dark with just the moonlight or a candle lit on the floor. (I ignore the couch.) I think I would be happy to leave the room that way--but I know that slowly the Lord will fill it. And it will be even more wonderful.
Sam has decided this room is his new home. I think he's a little worried that since I took everything out of it he has to protect what's left, make sure it doesn't disappear (especially his couch). I was a little uncertain about him being in the room all the time--wondered if he needed to find a new place to hang out, and as I thought the thought, I heard the Lord say to me, "I like Sam." So that settled that.
And then yesterday, in the midst of all my insecurity about it all--she came. I think the Lord had perfectly planned her to come yesterday. We purchased her on the trip to Bermuda, but I like to think of it more that she chose us. (But that is another story.) I can't look at her without seeing sanctuary and healing. She's so beautiful and I feel so blessed that God has given us this painting. I believe He gave it to us, and I don't think I would want it unless it was from Him. But since it is, I cherish it as a very precious treasure, and as a reminder of what He can offer through us to others.
Last night though, as I sat with her on the floor I realized that I wasn't ready to give out sanctuary and healing like she could. I desperately needed it myself. So I sat with her, feeling the gentle gift of sanctuary and healing only the Lord can offer, and I know that every time I pause in front of her, I will hope that He will teach me how to help others find it in Him, and help to be a conduit of it from Him.
I so want to become who He wants me to. I so want to desire what He desires me to. It's funny--I ache for land. But in my flesh--if you would ask me if I could live anywhere--have any kind of house I wanted, in any place in the world I would without hesitation say, "A house with big windows and a big porch looking out onto a secluded beach, with cliffs and rocks to the sides." No brainer. I wouldn't need another earthly thing. Maybe not even food.
But that's not what I ache for in my spirit. I know that if the Lord gave me money I would buy land here--hills and valleys and quiet and sanctuary and we would grow gardens and build a chapel and invite the women and children who need sanctuary and healing to come and walk with the butterflies. That is what I ache for. I believe that is the desire God has placed in my heart and someday I hope to see Him fulfill it.
He is a God who empties our misplaced desires, then places His desires in our hearts, and meets those desires when and how He chooses--opening up the blessing in it all that truly fulfills. It is only then that the gift is not the gift, but in actuality it is a part of the Giver--that is the only reason it satisfies.
God, please show us your faithfulness in doing this work in the room in all of our hearts.
Amen
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