So I've been putting this post off for a while.
For so many reasons.
One being that I can't quite put what I'm feeling about all of this into words. Another reason is that I feel like I'm in the middle of the lesson...and I'm aware that anything I write about this subject now will probably seem unfinished as I live further through the lesson. But mostly its because I'm in that place where I'm not really sure I want the lesson. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say I'm still kind of wrestling with God over whether or not I want the blessing.
But I guess that IS the lesson.
This is all so tied up inside me that I'm not gonna be able to write it well. I'm not apologizing. I'm just letting you know up front. Maybe after the lesson I'll tidy it up a bit. But the point of this post isn't to teach. It is to express. Each type of writing serves it's purpose, so I've heard. Hopefully that applies even to random sentences strung together with emotion.
So here's how I see it:
When Gabriel paid Mary a visit and told her she was blessed...he didn't exactly tell her the whole story. Mary, yielded to God in her heart as she was, responded with, "May it be unto me as you have said." Or something like that. And that was very good. God knew when He picked her how much she was devoted to him. He knew she would say yes.
But there's this part of me that says, "Hmmmmm, I'm not really sure that was very fair." Quite frankly, I wonder how many times along the journey Mary thought the same thing.
What I'm saying is that Mary did not have an accurate understanding of what she was signing up for. And the other thing I'm saying is that God was ACUTELY aware of that. In fact, He did it on purpose. Why? Because as Jack says, "You can't handle the truth."
Ok, so I'm being a bit callous in the way this is coming out. Of course, unlike me, Mary was chosen as the Mother of God, so perhaps she didn't feel any of these things (though I doubt that.) And I don't really mean to be callous. The truth is, in some ways it was a protection.
Yes, God's not telling Mary what was up ahead was a protection for her.
Mary had to grow into her calling. Her role. Her understanding of what it meant to be the Mother of the Messiah, the Mother of the King, the Mother of the Lamb. Can you imagine if Gabriel had filled her in on the crucifixion right then and there? She's still dealing with, "How exactly do I tell Joseph and my parents and how am I going to keep from getting stoned to death?" I'd say not telling her about the whole crucifixion part was a kindness.
Still, there's this part of me that's feeling like God was a bit (dare I say it) unfair to Mary.
Like she signed a contract she wasn't allowed to read.
How many times in her life did she feel that things were going horribly wrong, like what was happening was not exactly "part of the plan?"
When her son was wandering off for days at a time and shrugging her authority? When she thought that Jesus was crazy? When Judas betrayed Jesus? Or was it only at the crucifixion when all of what she went through seemed like a complete sham?
OF COURSE it wasn't. But God didn't exactly explain that what He had said to her all along was true...it just didn't look quite like she pictured it. She was given the blessed son she was promised but it wasn't the blessing she thought it would be.
It was better.
Is that part of the grace? That God asks us to receive something wonderful, but terrible too. Something so great it is beyond our ability to imagine, but that will pierce us so deeply it will forevermore change us. Perhaps it is precisely that wound which enables us to enter into the blessedness. That somehow being blessed is not a moment but rather a birth, a process, a becoming, and an entering into all in one?
And from where I sit right now, when I look at all that has been, and all that is, and (as I am beginning to understand more and more) what will be, I'm kind of feeling like Mary must have felt when it began to dawn on her that Jesus might actually die. Or that the kind of King he would be wasn't the kind she was thinking of.
She must have had to unthread quite a bit.
And when you unthread...it's really painful. To honestly go through that kind of pain, there is a pause that must be lived through. It's living through the question of whether or not I am willing to accept the blessing as it is. The blessing that is actually offered instead of what I thought God was offering. And its painful to continue to move toward the God who has wounded me. I have to relearn trust. And this isn't a little thing because it takes some sorting through. I FEEL like I was duped by God. But I wasn't. I FEEL like God lied to me, but He didn't. I FEEL like I followed in every way I was called to, and I did. I feel like those around me let me down, and often they did. I feel like the violence and betrayals and abandonments I've gone through couldn't have been right, and they weren't. I feel like none of that could have been part of the plan, and yet it WAS. All along it was. All along God knew. And all of those things don't seem to add up to the outcome UNTIL God sheds his light and says, "Now look and see what I have for you, what I have told you of all along, how my promise is true." And you go, "OOOOOOH. Now I get it."
But why didn't You just say so in the first place?
The answer is actually fairly simple:
I needed to go through every excruciating step of this journey to be able to enter into this blessing, in its right time, in its fullness.
But can I forgive God for loving me enough to wound me so deeply? And can I offer myself up for more?
Am I willing now to receive the blessing? To let my heart be warmed from its cold grave and my arms open to receive the promise of the God who loved me so much He chose me for this?
The blessing in its full light is always better than what we thought we saw. JESUS was the Messiah for all people of all times and Mary's own redemption came through his death. Jesus was raised up to rule at the right hand of the Father and His glory made known to all. Why wouldn't we say, "YES!"
But there are those in between moments where our hearts are still bleeding from all the tearing that has taken place and we're just not sure we're up for the next leg of the journey. This is the pause I find myself in.
And God is gracious. He gives us time and grace to heal.
I wonder what it was like for Mary to see the resurrected Jesus. To feel all of that horrible despair and desperation and hopelessness melt away into pure joy.
I wonder what it was like for the realization to dawn on her that He was to rule a heavenly kingdom.
I wonder what it was like for her to realize that all too soon He was leaving again.
I sometimes wonder how her heart withstood so much blessing.
But I'm guessing that now, she's probably glad.
4 comments:
Excellent insights. Yet in your list of things you thought, one idea is remarkably absent: that in your partial understanding and partial misunderstanding you may have done the wrong thing. "I FEEL like I followed in every way I was called to, and I did. I feel like those around me let me down, and often they did." There is little in your list regarding ways that your understanding could have failed you, and led you yourself to make wrong choices. Yet this is the deepest part of this lesson, that our own understanding cannot be leaned upon, that even in our best and most well-intentioned moments we are fallen and blind and make bad choices. "The heart of man is deceitful and desperately wicked; who can know it?" To quote T.S. Eliot at some length, speaking of one's understanding by the end of life, "And last, the rending pain of re-enactment Of all that you have done, and been; the shame Of motives late revealed, and the awareness of things ill done and done to others' harm Which once you took for exercise of virtue." The deepest humility, for those who value understanding and wisdom, is the recognition that our own understanding is and has been wrong, our interpretations have been wrong, our valuations have been wrong, and insofar as we have acted upon them, those actions have been wrong, even if well-intended and the best we could do at the time. "From wrong to wrong the exasperated spirit proceeds, unless restored by that refining fire Where you must move in measure, like a dancer." (Four Quartets) Often the last part of ourselves that we are willing to really acknowledge as fallen and sinful, is our understanding. This, God will lead us to see, often by allowing the leaning upon our own understanding to create havoc and pain in our and other's lives. A lesson best learned young.....
Hi Joe,
I’m glad to know you are a reader of my blog. I don’t know you very well, but I know that many people have found your counsel quite helpful. So I appreciate you taking the time to consider my post and my journey.
From Lauren you know a little bit of my story, so my guess is your emphasis on failed understanding and wrong choices are derived from what your thoughts regarding it.
A dialogue about specifics is something I don’t feel is appropriate in this kind of a setting…though if you would like to talk more in person, feel free to give me a call. I’d be happy to talk over a cup of tea.
My post was meant as an expression regarding what I am processing right now, and was not meant to be a complete recap of my journey. I chose not to discuss certain things (ie. if and where I made wrong choices or had great lapses in understanding) because I don’t sense that it is wise to disclose fully where I am at, and also because, as Ted says, God may not have given me enough information to be able to have clarity in understanding, and those things are still in process. Some of their absence may be attributed more to a lack of clarity than a lack of regard for the possibility of their existence. (Ted says the ability to handle ambiguity is a sign of maturity. Based on that, you might say I’m VERY mature. )
I could be reading you very wrong but I feel like you have put me between a rock and a hard place. It seems you’ve left me with two choices: to be ignorant and proud or to agree with your assessment. Andrew Murray says that humility is not seeing ourselves as any less than or any more than we actually are, but it is seeing ourselves in truth. (And shouldn’t we always rely on the Spirit to guide us into truth...as we seek Him?) Not that your words (and Eliot’s) are not rich in truth, but have they been accurately applied? It is a question that if I am not willing to ask myself (and you as well) than I am guilty of both pride and ignorance.
So let us acknowledge that neither one of us is aware of all that would factor into discerning such a question and it is possible that either and most likely both of us might do well to be reminded of Eliot’s words regarding this very interaction. (I’m pretty sure your thick-skinned enough to handle that graciously.)
I’m trying to respond in a way that sheds light on what I have learned about the path to wisdom and understanding. I know it is not all there is to say on the matter, but it is the lesson I believe God has been teaching me. Perhaps I can do that best by comparing Mary to Zechariah.
As I understand it, what Mary did right was simply this…to believe, to receive, and to follow. And there were certainly painful consequences that followed those 3 choices. I could say a ton more but Henri Nouwen does it much better in an essay he wrote called “Waiting.” Mary (unlike me) didn’t consult the priests or go out asking for everyone’s opinion, or spend hour upon hour in prayer. She simply believed. But here is the thing….Mary wasn’t asked to understand. She was called to participate, but not to understand. Her task was to be yielded, to be open to receive what God was doing in her life.
Zechariah responded differently. He wanted to make sure everything fit together nice and tidy. He wanted an explanation and more information on how something could be possible because it didn’t make sense. He was trying to understand. HE was disciplined. And there has been a lesson in this for me. A huge lesson. Here it is:
When God speaks to you, He wants you to believe Him.
Whether you’re a priest who should know better or a young girl.
Doesn’t that call into question all the times we are heeded to consult with a multitude of counselors? How can we really trust ourselves to know if it is really God?
Isn’t faith a very dangerous proposition? And isn’t it incredibly important that our faith be based on truth. YES! ABSOLUTELY. But not necessarily on our understanding. There are things that God calls us to that far transcend our understanding.
He knows so much more about what’s ahead of us than we do.
So I find that my struggle throughout the past couple of years has been to hear, to listen, and to discern God’s voice, to follow Him, and to stand in what He has said and shown me rather than my understanding of it. Not that I haven’t tried to understand it.
Have I grown in my understanding? So much. Do I see where I misunderstood some things? Yes. Do I believe I made some wrong choices? Yes. But if you and I were to sit down over a cup of tea, we’d probably disagree on which one’s those were.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve learned a lot of lessons, and what you describe is a very important one, but I don’t believe it was the lesson I was in. (Though perhaps it will follow shortly.) What God has been teaching me has had a whole lot more to do with discerning His voice when it doesn’t make sense; trusting Him when human wisdom and human counselors would say to turn away. Believing what He says and following Him to the best of my ability, yet, always allowing for the danger that my own understanding might not be right, or clear. So I must always allow for God to change my understanding of the Words He has spoken and my understanding of His work in my life. And yes, if in the process of all that, I have brought harm to myself or others than I must repent of both my sin and my ignorance before both God and man. It is possible that will unfold more and more. But it is also possible that God will do the opposite work in my life and affirm that I have been righteous and obedient despite all that has railed against my faith.
Interestingly, the most persistent calling that God has made clear to me throughout the last few years is “to stand.” I’ve had 3 different people over the course of the last 4 years, highly regarded within the Body, who had no knowledge of each other, 2 of whom had no knowledge at all of my journey, speak that call—“to stand”--as a prophetic word to me. I have often wondered why God would give people who know nothing about my me a Word for me? Wouldn’t it be better coming from counselors who were familiar with me? Should I trust it? Heuristically speaking, (since I must listen/choose as to whether or not it was from God) I believe that God chose to reaffirm his Words to me in this way because the elements of my journey might actually transcend conventional wisdom.
Look, I’m not saying that I completely understand everything, nor am I saying that I’ve got it all right. I wouldn’t ever want to have to be in the position of standing before a jury to defend myself. So much of what I believe I am the first to admit is highly subjective. And thus it is enormously important to continue as always to seek the face of God on what is true. But there comes a time in ones life where you get tired of wrestling with God. You tire of telling Him how things should be or go and what is appropriate. And you come to the place where you wish you would have had the strength to come to in the very beginning. The place where Mary was when she said, “May it be to me as you have said.”
I believe God has called me to learn faith, and to stand in faith in Him. Not my understanding of Him, but His work in my life. I might never be acquitted by a jury. But I know that when I stand in front of the Lord, with the atonement of Christ covering me, I’ll be standing on my own. I take very seriously that thought. And I know the words I want to hear from him. I’m guessing they are the same ones you do, Joe. So I’m not turning back from the plow, but I hope that neither pride nor ignorance will keep me from walking in truth, and that He will continue to increase my understanding. More than I want understanding though, I desire to hear God’s voice and have the grace to be obedient. No matter what it costs me. And if it costs something of others, than that is something they must take up with God. And if appropriate, I believe God will take it up with me. My job is to be open to listen.
That standing that I will do at the end is a good picture of the standing He is asking of me right now. To stand in grace and truth. And as much as He enables me to, I hope that I will do both. A lesson also best learned when young…
As I have read the dialogue the one thing that comes to my mind is that our understanding does not derive from within ourselves. It is revealed to us through the Holy Spirit who guides us into all truth. The clarity that we seek therefore must be dependent upon the work of the Holy Spirit and the revelation of His Truth into our hearts. Our hearts can be wicked yet our hearts are transformed, renewed, and sanctified through the blood of Christ. We are covered through the sprinkling of His blood and our conscience is made new. As I have journeyed with Becky and have prayed with her there has been a deep desire for truth and wisdom. I believe that truth and wisdom is a work of the Spirit within our hearts. True wisdom and understanding is a gift of God as stated in James "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him, But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering..." and our part is a trust and faith in the one who has called us for His honor and glory. Oswald Chambers states "it is only when we are garrisoned by God with the stupendous sanctity of the Holy Spirit, that spirit, soul and body are preserved in unspotted integrity, undeserving of censure in God's sight, until Jesus comes." I trust in the work of the Holy Spirit to guide us in all truth, wisdom and understanding. Becky has sought with all her heart the prayers offered up to the Most High "Search me O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (ps. 139:23-24) "Examine me, Oh Lord and prove me, test my heart and my mind" (ps. 26:2) and "Create in me a clean heart, O God and renew a right, preserving, and steadfast spirit within me." (ps. 51:10)
It is His creation within us that cleanes and renews our hearts.
Jean
Becky - I am finally getting back on line. I want to take the time to really digest what you have written and the dialog that has been presented here in your comments.
I would love to get together with you and Jean again soon. Let's plan a trip up to Wykoff!
Love to you!
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