Space

It's interesting. I've been feeling a strange pain the last few days. But I haven't been able to put my finger on it. It's not a pervasive one. In fact I don't notice it until all is quiet. Which frankly isn't very often--my few trips alone in the car in silence; right before I go to bed or when I wake up. It's not a pain I could connect to anything in particular. Until tonight.
For the past week I've kept to my eating plan really well. (Except last night--but I had permission and needed fish, so two of my closest girlfriends and I splurged at Devons.) What's been strange is that it hasn't been hard. Not nearly as hard as it was before. Like the Lord has helped me get over the hump or something. Tonight, I didn't really feel full, and thought maybe I should eat something more, but nothing really appealed to me, so I brushed my teeth so I wouldn't graze, knowing that I would be feeling on the empty side.
Matt's been exhausted so I tucked him in early and then went to sit with Sarah until she fell asleep. I was itching for something. Like a good novel, or video, or even mindless TV. I didn't really feel like reading my Bible or studying or even praying, in an "I'm too restless to concentrate" sort of way. Being quiet with the Lord felt almost uncomfortable. Like I wanted something more but I didn't think I'd get it.
Since Sarah was taking her time falling asleep, I decided to pray through it. As I was thinking about my food, and the emptiness I felt, I realized it was the same restlessness I was feeling emotionally. Like none of the options before me were appealing, but I was still wanting something. But nothing felt better than reaching for just anything.
Finally I began to see the source of my pain. It's the emptiness. I'm being stretched in this way beyond what I'm used to. Food is just one of the ways. I've been trying to figure out the feeling of distance I have right now with God. The last few months have been almost like a dream. I can't explain to you the wonderful experiences and gifts that have been poured out on me and my family. Underlying it all is just a great sense of joy and contentment and BLESSING. But recently I've noticed a change in my spirit. Like an uncomfortableness in the midst of it--a sort of distance. Not a distance caused by sin or lack of interest. An emptying. A making of space.
What God is teaching me is the discipline of not filling the space--even with "God stuff."
Not with food, or movies, or even Bible reading.
It's actually painful.
But now that I realize it is a good pain I can lean into it and ask the Holy Spirit to use it to do His work in me.
I'm trying to sit with God in the quiet. Not expecting or waiting for Him to speak. And practicing not even trying to speak to Him just to fill space. Because now I understand what the lesson is. I'm letting all that pulls me lose its power until I am at rest and in peace in the open space. I wrote something about this a long time ago I need to dig up. Later. Now I'm going to go feel the emptiness.
It's a good thing.