Expectant

Lovely Lauren, Expectant

Photo by Bgrace

I grabbed my laptop this morning because I felt like I should write something. Anything. A piece about where I'm at and what I'm learning and experiencing and what this leg of the journey looks like for me.

"Why do I want to share?" I ask myself...I guess I've always felt like there must be some good in writing about what I'm going through. It forces me to acknowledge my journey and I hope it can be of some value to others. And most simply, it has been an act of submission, I've always desired to honor God in being willing to be open.

But when I've tried to put this leg into words, it has always eluded me. There have often been times that I haven't understood what I'm going through in this process--until after I'm through it, and even then only in part. But I often find that there's much to be learned from our perspective in the midst of things, even if it takes on a different meaning once we have a greater understanding in hindsight.

Don't misunderstand. There is so much joy and blessing in my life. I love my job...I have really interesting interactions with people every day. I am having so much fun with Matt-- we've been travelling together, and we're excited about working together in the garden and enjoying guests over the spring and summer. (OH, and I'm taking him to see Bruce Springsteen, which he won't find out until he reads this.) The girls bring me so much joy...Sarah is turning 3 on Sunday and I am so looking forward to our celebration. (I'll have to post pics.) Grace and Em's dance recital is at the Hershey Theater this month and we are all excited. I've been reading fiction again. I KNOW. SO BIZARRE. It's a terrible thing though. I clearly remember why I finally gave it up...because once I start a book I HAVE to finish it. So I've been getting little sleep. I'm working on the Inheritance series (Eragon). I got through the first two books in three days and I'm not letting myself get my hands on the third one until after the weekend or Sarah wouldn't have a cake! The Lord is slowly refilling my life with relationships again, after a long period of solitude, with friends new and old. And my greatest joy in that is the friendship that is growing between Daren and I. Daren, whom you may not have heard of, is my younger brother. He's 8 years younger than me, and I have not seen him in 9 years. He lives in Brazil, and I really haven't been near him for any extended period of time since 1990. We've both changed a lot since then. But the Lord is giving him back to me. I think He knew I needed a brother, and I think my brother needs me. There is a great tenderness between us now. I'm so excited to see him in a few months.

So life goes on and is full of all that it should be. EXCEPT that the spiritual currents I'm following are so, how do I say it, DEEP. PAINFUL almost. Like being submerged in an ocean in winter. Calm, dark, deep waters that are ice cold. Not bad though. It's not like I'm drowning or in danger. Just feeling like I'm way in over my head, very far from shore, and wishing the water would begin to warm up. The presence of God in me feels very...well, I don't know how to say it another way...sacred. Like Old Testament holy. Almost beyond words. I don't even want to pray with words right now. They seem inadequate. So mostly when I acknowledge His presence it is in silence. It's not really a comfortable silence either. I feel like lighting candles and offering incense is most appropriate right now...in a holy, terrible quiet. Like God is about to say something or do something or begin something that will change everything. I gotta find me a Catholic church close by...one with lots of stained glass. They seriously are the best places to pray. No one thinks you're crazy for kneeling in church and praying for an extended period of time or that you are strange because the only person you came to see at church was God. (I could REALLY get on a soapbox here, but I'll refrain.)

I sense this is a beginning. A drawing of some sort. A call to consecration. A birthing.

But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm afraid. Afraid of the pain. Afraid of what it will require. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of change. Afraid of failure.

How do I become free of all that would keep me from entering into it? How do I become free of self? Free of other's expectations? Does the dying never end?

I'm guessing it's kind of like giving birth. You can only prolong the outcome so long. And at some point, it takes care of itself. Not that we couldn't abort--a horrible desecration--for life is way too precious, more precious than our pain.

"In Him was life and that life was the light of men."